desperate for advice from anyone who has persuaded a biting toddler to stop

[MamaChocoholic]

ds2 is 21 months and has been biting for about 3 months. we send him in a corner for 20 seconds or so, then he says sorry and hugs the bitee. but it's getting worse. he bites dd (his twin) hard enough to leave marks for 3 days. he bit each of us today at least twice and has started hitting too. now dd is understandably starting to bite him.

can anyone offer advice? getting desperate.

I have no advice, only sympathy. DS was a biter around 15-18 months, but too young really to understand the consequences of any punishment. He did grow out of it though, in bout 3 months. The only time he ever bit a child we didn't know, the mum was so understanding and told me her DS had been the same.

really sorry, but they do just grow out of it. In the mean time avoidance and damage limitation I'm afraid. When DS bit me I would plonk him on the floor and walk away. If I saw the "i'm going to get you" face, I would say "I know you are about to bite me , I don't like it" and walk away. Very hard though with twins.

When he bites, shout No Biting!! and then COMPLETELY IGNORE HIM. Don't look at him, don't speak to him, quite deliberately turn your back on him whilst making a MASSIVE fuss of the other child for about a minute or so. He will get a shock from you shouting, and will probably scream and wail when you ignore him, but you are teaching that biting gets no attention at all. It just becomes a bit of a game, but this approach worked for us with our 20 month old. I wouldn't bother with the saying sorry/hugging bit tbh though because I don't think a 21 month old can really understand what they are saying.

I agree with Bike! DD1 was a biter and it went on for a while. But too young really to do much about it. She used to do it a nursery and in the end, they shadowed her to try and stop her before she did it. I sympathise. I used to arrive to pick her up and they would say, I am afraid there has been an incident, and I would think to myself PLEASE let her be the bitee not the biter! He will grow out of it.

Another mother of a 16month old biter. We've been putting her on the floor and saying No firmly and walking away. Some improvement seen but still some biting too. Seems to be worse as she's teething at the moment.

we may try the shouting, good idea, will talk it through with dp. the saying sorry is more for the bitee- both dd and ds2 (4 years) seem reassured by this, and it seems to make peace. thankfully no biting at nursery yet.

I know he should grow out of it, but feel I have to do more to stop it. it's just not fair on dd to get bitten probably 10+ times today alone.

DS bit for ages (a year probably!) never at childcare though and 90% of the time me. It seems to have stopped in the last month though (now 23 months).

What worked in the end was firmly and quickly putting him outside the room. If he tried to come back in immediately I would say "back out, I'm still cross/you hurt me" etc.

Actually saying no biting, shouting, being visibly angry just seemed to add to the drama of it for DS and he found it hilarious No reaction (or as little reaction as possible) and putting him outside and ignoring him seemed to work.

Of course it could just be that he grew out of it...

a year?

we had a couple of better days when I was very vigilant, and tried a combination of (1) intercepting as he was going to bite, and suggesting he kiss instead, (2) doing one of his favourite activities with dd while he stood in the corner after biting (rather than just comforting her) - this seemed to actually upset him, which banishing him to the corner doesn't do.

but it's all gone tits up again today. can't send him out of the room as there's no stairgate so it's not safe, but tried taking me and dd out of the room instead. left for 3 full minutes today, came back, and he was happily playing. not sure what else to try!

I used to redirect - I dug out one of his old teething rings and put it in an easy access place and told him "If you feel cross you can bite on this, but you must not bite people." Then tried to intervene every time he showed signs of being about to bite.

There's a book you could read with him called Teeth are not for biting. Try Amazon. We had another in the same series, Hands are not for hitting IIRC.

I have twins, one of whom is a biter. The thing with biting is it gets immediate results. My biting boy isn't quite as bad but still goes for his brother, and occasionally me sometimes. He knows now that he shouldn't bite, but he still can't help himself sometimes.
I can mostly spot when it's going to happen and intervene. It's mostly frustration through wanting something he can't have.

I had a biter. He did it nursery and he used to bite me all the time. He was still doing it when he was 4 or so. I tried all sorts, all the above, all except biting him back which I couldn't do.

He would sink his teeth into my shoulder if I carried him and hung on, it really hurt!

What worked for me, and I'm not saying its the most pc of methods, I would flick his ear. Not hard but hard enough to stop him.
I did it everytime. He couldn't do it back either

It sounds awful typing it out, I tried holding his nose to make him let go, but I'm afraid the ear flicking was the thing that sorted it out.

DS used to bite objects (people less often, and only me). We redirected as well.

We'd say "Biting hurts. You can bite this spoon instead," and offer him a plastic spoon to bite instead. (I'd carry one everywhere with me for this purpose.)

With hitting, we'd say, "Hitting hurts. You can hit this sofa instead [or insert hitt-able object of choice]."

After a while, he'd start pausing and looking at me just before he started to bite, as he'd remember that he was supposed to bite something different. Then he progressed to asking for or getting the spoon when he wanted to bite an object or person.

Toddlers don't really have the self-control to stop themselves biting/hitting when they want to do it, so redirection is usually more effective.

It's important to tell toddlers what you do want them to do rather than what you don't want them to do. At that age, their info processing is pretty slow, so if you say 'no biting', they'll remember the 'biting' bit, but not the 'no'.

You can also model it with, "Biting hurts. Touch gently please," and show him how to pat/stroke gently instead (but that might not work on its own if he doesn't have an alternative object to bite).

Some good suggestions, thanks. Have ordered the book.

The plastic spoon type redirection sounds worth a try. Asking him to kiss instead of bite works for a moment, but he then returns to wanting to bite, so perhaps creating an outlet for that would work better. He has also started pinching ds1 in the car, where ds1 can't get away. I am looking for some kind of separator to go between the seats, or, alternatively, need to find ds1 some armour to protect himself!

Those of you whose toddler has outgrown the biting/hiting phase - are they now kind children? In the back of my mind, I am worried ds2 will grow into a violent child/teen/man. Hopefully, that is a complete over-reaction?

Try attaching as little drama as possible to it. Say 'we dont bite people, bite xxx' and give him something to bite on. I think shouting, corners, make up sessions make the whole thing far too interesting.

DS is sweet and kind now, aged 2.4. Cuddles and kisses for people, dolls and animals. And yes, the occasional bite or kick, but so rare it's barely worth mentioning.

Unfortunately most kids that young don't have the most developed sense of reason yet, so many reasonable suggestions above may not work (yet!)
My DD tried to bite once - she got a massive telling off and a smack on the bum - surprised her so much, she never did it again, like any other 'naughty' thing she tried when she was a toddler.
No drama, just a firm telling off, is sometimes what they understand best - worked and carries on working for us.

My LO is 11 months and biting everything - novelty of having teeth, I suppose. I find that blowing gently in his face when he does it puts him off enough for me to escape and distract him. No idea if this will work when he's bigger though. :C)

Now am not saying that this is the right thing to do but when my twin sisters were toddlers (over twenty years ago) one of them enjoyed biting the other and nothing seemed to stop her. One day she bit her twin so hard right through her nappy and left a big purple swollen area with tooth marks on her behind, my mum had enough and decided to bite her back to show it was sore so bit her on the arm (not enough to hurt too bad) but made her cry just the same. Just moments after this had happened there was a chap at the door and shock horror it was the heath visitor on her weekly visit who of course asked what little one was so upset about and was informed by my other sister who is a year older than the twins that mum had just bit her lol luckly the health visitor was good friends with the family and knew of the biting situation but think it would be frowned apon now but I have to say there was no more biting after that.

DS2 used to bite really hard. I had bruises on my arms and shoulders. It was mainly me, but also sometimes DS1 would get one, when I was trying to stop bf. I was a bit scared to hold him, he did it so regularly. I would put him down, make a really cross face and tell him off crossly. He grew out of it quite quickly.

This is normal. It passes. no need to be desperate... he is hardly Jaws.

Another non pc solution here, I tried everything the HV suggested when my 3 year old was biting. She bit her sisters, cousin, me, nursery friends and I was at my wits end. Ignoring failed, focusing on the victim failed, time out failed, removing toys failed.

She was biting several times a day every day and even resorted to biting herself when she couldn't get to anyone else. After she left a deep purple bite mark on the baby's arm, I gave up the prescribed solutions as they obviously weren't getting me anywhere.

In the end, my mother suggested putting something nasty tasting, like the nail biting stuff, on my arm so I tasted awful when she bit me, this wasn't practical as she bit anyone who annoyed her. So, instead, the next time she bit someone I dabbed a tiny amount of washing up liquid on her tongue. She stopped biting immediately and has only ever done it a handful of times since. HV was a little but it worked for us!

Mama DS used to bite, and he goes (or, went? - he's not in one now) through phases of hitting/hurting me when excited or upset - to others, he is the sweetest child. He won't hit back even if he's cornered or being attacked himself. Actually, I wish he'd at least speak up for himself, but still.

I found that offering an alternative thing to bite, and validating (saying) his feelings back to him seemed to help the most. He is still a baby, really, and he's just trying to make sense of the world in his own way.

My childminder (yeah, I know ) bit her daughter back and it didn't work. Where do you go from there??

I have a biter - shouting doesn't work, he just laughs at me.

Actually, it seems to coincide with teething, now that he has all his teeth (he is 19 months) it seems to have trailed off (I hope!) but it started nearly a year ago at around 8 months. Mostly it has been me that has been bitten, fortunately.

Now, if he bites, he gets set down, and told firmly, no biting, and has to hug to say sorry. My feeling is that when he does it now, it is because he is tired or frustrated or can't express himself (he seems to be slow with talking, so we are working on that).

At nursery, they keep a close eye on him - so far he has been bitten twice by others, so I am a) glad that he is not the one who has bitten and b) reassured that it is not just him.

I have also used re-direction, giving him something I am happy for him to bite, like a plastic spoon, but as I think he bites when tired, I think listening to the message behind the biting is equally important. I have also asked the nursery to keep track of what precipitates the behaviour to see if there is a pattern.

Don't believe in biting back. They can't help it.

Ds2 was a biter. I roared "NO!" really loudly and harshly in his face, and that was the very last time he bit me.