Clingy 2.3 year old, reassurance needed!

[scubadiva]

Hi, my DD is 2 and a quarter and is absolutely lovely and happy at home (besides the odd tantrum) but when we're out at toddler groups, soft play, other childrens houses (less of an issue) she wants me by her side all the time. If I do go with her to play she cries, if she loses sight of me for a second, she cries. Weirdly, she's more independant if we're out shopping or something. It's when other children are around that she clings. If a child goes to play with something she was playing with, she gets upset.

I've tired explaining to her that I can see her and that I'm not going anywhere, she's a big girl etc etc but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

I'm 6 months pregnant with number 2 and a bit worried about how she'll cope when she has to start nursery at the age of 3. She is currently looked after by her nan (we pay her) 2 days a week when I'm at work but we will have to send her to nursery once we have 2 of them as I have to go back to work when number 2 is 9months old (in August) and we can't afford to pay childcare for both children. We need to take up the free nursery place. I also think she will enjoy the activities, she loves arts and crafts and at home will sit and do colouring or play doh for an hour without needing much attention.

Can anyone tell me if they have had a similar experience with their child and found a way to help their child grow in confidence and independance? Or is it something she will just grow out of? Any advice would be lovely, thanks.

I have a DD like that and she is STILL extra cuddly and loving and needs hugs and reassurance - far more than DD2. But, also like yours, DD1 has always been more independent, feisty, strong minded, opinionated. She's very self aware and analytical. I think that perhaps her emerging sense of herself as separate to me came as more of a shock when she was little, than to most children.
She found preschool tough at around 3 though was fine at first. And the first six weeks of school were really tough. But once she realised there was no choice but to go she got on with it and was fine.
Looking back I wish if anything that I'd been more patient, understanding, reassuring as sometimes I'd try to tell her 'you're a big girl now' and she really wasn't. Now 8 she still likes me to wrap her up in a towel and sing nursery rhymes at bathtime for example. I bet some people will think that's madness and not helping her but it makes her so happy and she's perfectly well adjusted and seems grown up for her years to other people.
Don't worry, enjoy your DD, they are all different and I know some parents whose DCs are less cuddly than they'd like. We are lucky :)
Good luck with DC2 as well.

I wouldn't worry too much Scuba, she may just grow out of it. If it helps my DD was exactly the same as yours at age 2, in the end I gave up going to playgroups because she just clung to me and would be the only child that wouldn't play. Now at age 4 you wouldn't think it was the same child - not at all clingy and runs straight into nursery without looking back. Strangely enough like cureall's DD she is also very self aware and analytical, but has a confidence that I never could have imagined looking back a year.

Hope it all works out for you with the new baby.

Thanks cureall and WocketInMyPocket, fingers crossed she will grow out of it or somehow we'll get through the pain of the nursery experience. Ironically, she isn't a cuddly child at all. She never wants a cuddle or a kiss and actually actively avoids getting them! She dos seem to be a real thinker though, her level of concentration on things she's interested in is quite for her age I think. Perhaps she is of the analytical bent ( I know I am!) and maybe needs to know I'm there while she weighs it all up.

I will try and continue to be patient with her, I find it difficult when I'm with other mums whose children go off happily as I always feel they might be thinking she's overly needy or manipulative and that is somehow my fault. I shouldn't give a toss what they think though ey?! She is who she is and you're right I should just enjoy it.

You both sound like lovely mums, thanks for responding. And as for nursery rhymes whilst wrapped in a towel....sounds like heaven to me :-)

Thanks xxxxxx

My DS (2.4) is exactly the same at playgroups etc.

He is starting to get a l-i-t-t-l-e bit braver (he let another little boy join in our game in the park last week, which is huge progress for him) but I am still worried about him starting nursery at 3.

The only time I really stress about it is when I compare him to all his (hugely independent) friends, who run into playgroup without a backward glance at their mums...who can then sit and drink tea and chat while I am crouched in the wendy house pretending to eat cakes! sigh

We had DS assessed by a child psych (long story!) and she said the best thing we could do is to be patient, don't force it and constatnly model the desired behaviour. So I will always invite other children to join in our games, go and join in with others etc etc...and it does seem to be sinking in a bit now.

I am also expecting no2 (due in December) and am not anticipating having an easy ride of it!

Aaah, IWillOnlyEatBeans, it's nice to have a fellow pregnant with number 2, and trying to bolster number 1 mum out there. I know exactly what you mean about the other mums eating cake and crouching in the wendy house! I will try encouraging other children to join us and see if that helps, thanks for that suggestion.

Is your DS with you all the time or do you go out to work at all? How's your pregnancy going with number 2? I felt exhausted for the first 18 weeks but seem to be (fingers crossed) a bit more energetic now, although all the niggles I ahd first time have started 10 weeks earlier!

It is nice to find someone in the same boat!

DS is with me all the time. I attempted to go back to work when he was 9mo, leaving him in a nanny share (with another little girl) and it was a disaster. He stopped eating and drinking for two months, was constantly pale and sweating and shaking :( The nanny said she thought there was something wrong (autism, basically) which is why we had him assessed by the psychologist and seen by a paediatrician - early diagnosis was that he was NT but incredibly sensitive! They have no concerns now, over a year later, and stand by their original thoughts.

So during all of this I took vol redundancy from work and have been at home full time since!

Are you at home FT too?

Pregnancy has gone really smoothly so far! No sickness, just really, really tired. I am 16 weeks now so waiting hopefully for the second trimester 'rush of energy' to kick in!

I have had so many well-meaning people telling me to get tough with him, leave him in nursery to get used to it etc, and it is difficult to stick to my guns of being patient and gentle. I have to keep reminding myself that the PROFESSIONALS recommended that approach, and just keep smiling and nodding... :)

It is difficult though and I do spend a lot of time worrying about him!

My DD3 is very clingy - she is three now and has gained more confidence with extended family and nursery but still does not like me to be out of view.

I tried to reassure as much as possible but was firm about nursery ( had to go to work)

Just be calm and responsive

Hi Beans

Sorry for the dealy in replying to your message, had a busy weekend. Sounds like you've had a rough time since having your DS. I wonder if it was just the nanny who he didn't take to? We had an aborted attempt at nursery when my DD was about 1omonths. I took her for loads of settling in visits and she was doing ok (not sure I was!) but when it came to leaving her there all day I really noticed how little actual attentive care they give. On her 3rd day there she was a bit off colour and I said to them to ring me if she wasn't happy. When I went to fetch her at the end of my (rather short!) work day she was sitting on the floor all alone with her dummy in (usually reserved only for sleep, and they knew this) and her cuddly bunny next to her, looking thoroughly miserable. I vowed then that she would not be going back. I was never happy with it as a childcare option in the first place but hubby thought it might be safer than a childminder who works alone all day and might get stressed etc.

Forutnately for us, my MIL agreed to have her and she now goes to her 2 days a week and then my husband works sun-thurs so that he can have her on Friday while I work a 3rd day. It means we only have 1 day together as a family but it works out really well otherwise and MIL is generally very good at doing things our way. Most importnantly, I know she is with her nan who loves her to pieces.

We're not sure if MIL is willing to have Number 2 though as I think she's been a bit worn out looking after DD. We might have to find a childminder instead. I'd prefer that to nursery though, definately not right for babies IMO. I read alot about research that had been done into it after we pulled our daughter out of nursery and it's alls very negative.

it's hard not to worry about the clinging isn't it? And it must be har dif oyu have well meaning people giving you advice. I don't have that, although I suspect otehr mums think I should get tough or secretly gloat because there kids went to nursery from an early age and they think that's the reason they don't have this problem. I have to keep quiet about all that I've read on that subject and it's damaging effects later in life!

Hope the energy rush kicks in soon for you and that DS finds a new confidence. I will let oyu know if the same happens for us. Lovely to chat, thanks x

Thanks for your response Aboutlastnight, glad to hear your little one is growing in confidence and doing ok. When did she start nursery?

She didn't start til she was 2.5 -probably a bad time but she has gradually settled.

I have a lot of confidence in the nursery which helps, but completely understand that people have dilemmas about it.

Hiya - just to add my experience now that we're a bit further along. DS1 is now 5.5 - he was that clingy child at 2.

And, to be honest, he still has that likes his Mum / sensitive / anxious side to his character.

He was in nursery part-time from 6 months - actually he settled in very quickly, but I think it's easier sometimes when they are so young. He did go through several patches of difficult separation at nursery, but generally was very happy there - I think because there was a lot of staff consistency (some of the same staff who had DS1 at 6 months are still looking after DS2 who's there now at 3.5 yrs) and he knew the staff so well / they knew him well - so it was actually (for him) like being looked after by aunties or something.

DS2 arrived when he was 22 months. TBH, I think that didn't make much difference either way to his clinginess.

DS1 has always disliked big groups or new situations involving people he's not 100% familiar with or situations where he doesn't know 100% what to expect. He's improved with maturity and is now quite self aware of this side of his character. We've also got used to helping him with this kind of thing - eg rehearsing situations, giving him warning that we're going somewhere new and we don't know what it will be like etc. Some things he has to do and cope with, some things we give him a choice - eg he'll often choose to turn down party invites as he often really doesn't enjoy them.

Most reassuring advice (and in retrospect very sensible advice) was from his nursery teacher and senior key worker when we discussed deferring school entry for him (we didn't defer - he went as youngest in his school year). They said that yes - he is by nature quiet and 'sensitive' - but that this is part of his character rather than a problem and it will change with maturity but it will not ever be 'cured'. I've found that actually a very constructive way to think about it.

I initially had my DS signed up to a nursery too! I went to 4 settling in visits with him and withdrew his place as I was so un-impressed by the care they were offering. I also thought it would be safer and more reliable than a childminder/nanny but in the end I couldn't face leaving him there. I was very confident with the nanny though and was very disapponted when it didn't work out.

DS has never been keen on people he doesn't know well (and it takes him a LONG time to 'accept' new people) so I think it would have been the same whoever he had been left with. Although while I was waiting to take redundancy, my parents and ILs took turns coming to live with us for a week at a time to look after him and he was fine - so I know he would have been ok if they had been looking after him longer term (not feasible as they lived 150 and 300 miles away).

Good luck looking for a childminder, if you decide to go down that route. Your DD might settle more easily if she is being left with her sibling? I was a fairly anxious child (I wonder where DS gets it from, haha!) but was always happy as larry as long as I was with my two sisters.

One thing we have started with DS is to repeatedly use the phrase 'mummies always come back'. So I use it when we are doing imaginary play, when I am telling him stories (Owl Babies is a good one for this!), when I am going to the loo etc. I'm not sure whether it will help in the long run, but he has started to take it in and incorporate it into his play (he'll act out a scene with his bunnies where the mummy goes off somewhere and he'll reassure the baby bunny that mummies always come back, it's very cute!

Hey everyone, sorry for my slow replies, busy time at work.

Aboutlastnight, it would seem from the reserach I read that 2.5-3 is thought to be the age at which nursery is more appropriate/acceptable (?) for children to cope with. Glad to hear that it is working out for you all anyway.

Brawhen thanks for your contribution and glad to hear that nursery has worked out well for you too. I guess they do vary greatly and it sounds like you ahve found a good one for you. The approach you take in rehearsing situations and giving warnings is a good suggestion, I like that. I have started telling her more about where we are going and how it's ok to go and play without mummy and that I will always be there watching. Perhaps it will sink in eventually.

And Beans..sorry to hear you don't have family nearby, that's tough. I only have the in laws but they're lovely really. They're not the sort to offer help or ask how you are coping but if ever we ask if they can give us a hand they do so I'm grateful for that.

As for my DD settling with sibling, I guess that would mean sending both her and the baby to a childminder which isn't something we could really afford. The reason for sending her to nursery is to take up the free place and I wouldn't want to/couldn't afford to send baby to nursery too. Besides, they wouldn't be in the same room anyway...if that was what you were suggesting?

I will get the owl babies book, my DD loves books so it's a great way to help her I think. I was planning on getting some new baby story books and some books about starting nursery so I'll add owl babies to the list. Your DS sounds so cute. My DD has a favourite bunny, perhaps I'll try using that as a way of explaining too....i.e sometimes she drops him and goes off to play but she always comes back to him etc. Worth a try I guess. She was so clingy at toddlers this morning that I almost left and came home again. I thought she migth be ill she was so clingy. After about an hour a friend of hers turned up but it wasn't until the arts and crafts started that she really started to perk up. It's the arts and crafts each week that really draw her in. A room full of kids and random toys seems to overwhelm and frighten her almost. She seems to feel more secure with the structure and focus of table based activties like painting and play doh. Ah, it's all such a guessing game ey?!

Thanks for all your comments lovely mums x