DS prefers DH and I am very hurt

[Catzenobia]

Apologies in advance for the long message, but I have been struggling with this for a while and don't know what to do and not sure what background would be helpful. I have DD (4) and DS (18 mths). DD and I are very close and she is also very close to DH but usually comes to me if she's tired, upset or ill. I feel that DS always picks DH over me and I am very hurt and depressed. DH and I both work 4 days a week and I do nursery pickup on those days and play with children and do bath story and bed etc. DH gets back after they are in bed. We then "share" the other day so we can keep on top of house stuff etc. so more or less we have the same level of involvement although DH is probably more exciting to play with than I am. Most stuff with children seems to be a phase but this has been happening for over 6 months now so I feel that there is something wrong with my relationship with DS and I feel totally inadequate as a mother. It is also difficult for DH as he is sad for me, DD has also noticed (and is very protective of me) and every time DH leaves the room DS runs after him crying. I don't think my parenting has been any different with DS so don't know what to do and I would really appreciate some help and advice. Thank you.

You don't say what else your DS does to make you feel he prefers your DH. I would say that running out of the room after his dad crying indicates that he may have a less secure relationship with him than he does with you. He perhaps doesn't do that to you because he feels secure in the knowledge that you are committed to him and will come back.

Just a thought.

Absolutely agree with Timandra - at such a young age, don't forget they've only recently realised they're separate from Mummy. I could say exactly the same about DD who's 16 months and has only just said Mummy for the first time (after Daddy about six months ago, and naming her grandparents before I got a look in) but I absolutely know that this is because I'm always there and she totally takes me for granted, which in a way is actually really sweet. Turn it on its head and think of it differently and don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure that's what it is. x

we went through this and it is very upsetting. At around 18mths I could go whole weekends without touching him as he was so resistant to have anything to do with me. DS is 4 now and treats us both equally thank goodness. I do think it was something about him taking me for granted and almost not realising I was a separate being. He would become furious if I didn't bend to his will all the time. He also said Daddy miles before he said Mummy. It did pass. Recently he said to DH 'I love you' and then I said 'what about me?' and he said 'I love you, I love you BOTH'

It is upsetting and hurtful but it really is only likely to be a stage. And it is pretty sweet (and not unnatural) that your DS is identifying so strongly with his male role model!

My ds1 was exactly the same- on a particularly traumatic flight to New York he went crazy because I dared to sit next to him and kept howling at me to go away! It was mortifying and very hurtful, this wasn't helped by the fact that we are a same sex partnership and he only ever wanted Mummy( his non biological parent). On more than one occasion a well meaning observer would suggest I give him back to his Mummy. I wanted to scream that I was his biological mother and couldn't understand why he didn't want me. It was a phase, I didn't believe it at the time and it went on for ages, nearly a year, and only improved when my partner to a more active role in disciplining him and explaining to him that he was hurting my feelings. I was advised to not let him see how hurt I was, eventually this paid off and he now tells me frequently how much he loves me and that he used to just want mummy but still loves me...keep telling him how much you love him and try to spend as much one on one time with him as you can. It will pass and fingers crossed he'll get over it very soon. I do feel for you though and completely understand how you feel!