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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

do you think that shouting at kids damages them?

74 replies

notaniceperson · 01/03/2006 10:09

OBVIOUSLY excessive or abusive shouting does yes, but what about in general?
You know when you are just so frustrated with them in every day settings.
Seem to be doing allot lately and it always alarms me the thought that i may be causing long term or even short term psychological or emotional damage.
ps i dont swear, dont belittle or anything like that, i raise my voice repeating my instructions to him for the 100000th time.....

OP posts:

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poppadum · 01/03/2006 18:56

Some kids. I didn't.

Original poster

notaniceperson · 01/03/2006 20:25

It apears that the concensus is that we all do it, and we all feel awful about it.
We all agree that it is a show of poor parenting or a loss of control and that there are more effective ways in which to gain cooperation from our kids.
In the main, people think that if not done excessively, shouting is not detrimental to our childrens mental health.
It should go without saying that it is something that should NOT be used on babies.
I for one feel a bit more reassured by what you all have to say on the subject as your comments mirror my own thoughts.
Thanks for a great discussion every one.

OP posts:

lua · 01/03/2006 20:46

Right. So it is a bda thing. Horrible with babies, apparently.
Tell me then, what should I be doing instead???

For example:
DS is 9months. He bites. He bites hard.
I've been telling him no firmly.
I've been giving him something else to bite.

I have tried distracting him.
I have tried not letting my fingers anywhere close to him.
Still..at least once a day I end up, with teeth marks in my finger. I mean deep marks! He is the sweetest boy and he have me wrapped around his fingers, but... I can't help but be really angry and shout at him! Actually not that I cannot help, I don't know do you teach a baby something is definetely wrong otherwise....

I'm not arguing this is spomething I do happily. I would really love to know how get the message that is wrong if I don't get visibly angry with him?!?!?!

Original poster

notaniceperson · 01/03/2006 20:53

Oh lua its a nightmare isnt it. Its so so difficult, they drive you to distraction and when you have tried everything the last thing you have up your sleave is to shout and like you said, you dont do this happily.
Like everything with little ones it is a phase and he is picking up on your reaction. If you shout then this is a great game, look at the response i get when i do this!!! joy of joys!!!
For this personally i would just silently (inwardly scream your tits off love...inwardly)
remove finger from betwix little white teath and walk away from child to another part of the room. Say nothing but make a point of ignoring.
Absolutely the best of luck with this, if its any consolation this will be a short lived phase and one that will fade when your baby is onto the next thing that drives you mad, and there are numerous ones of these!

OP posts:

PeachyClair · 01/03/2006 21:20

I don't think it's good to yell ata baby, but for older kids I really don't think it's an issue, I certainly don't feel bad about it (though am not a huge shouter by nature, can do it and do it well on occasion).

More than anything I would not feel bad about it: disciplining your kids for genuine reason and then apologising- !! Saying 'Mummy is sorry she lost her temper' is one thing but you see so many Mum's go all soft and atsrt on the sweets appeasement stuff, so not the way to go imo.

Tortington · 01/03/2006 21:40

no i dont think its wrong to express to your children that you are greatly pissed off witht heir actions and do it by losing your temper. we are not emotionless beings. and i reckon that as long as its all in proportion that if your kids never get shouted at they will have a rude awakening come later in life.

absolutely not. what utter tosh - shouting and being exasperated is part of bbeing a parent. no ones perfect and we are not robots. of course as humans we strive to deal with situations as best as we can but we cant do this allt he time.

i certainly will not beat myself up for shouting every single say.

MrsWood · 01/03/2006 21:56

God, I shouted at my dd yesterday for the first time ever (she's 2.6) as I really just believe in lots of praise and simply asking / nicely telling to do things.
I just lost it. She was doing some sticking and as she wiped her eyes with gluey hands, I asked her to come to me so I can wipe her hands and make sure no glue entered her eyes. She just started running away, crying to "leave her alone" (LOL - teenager alert!). I wiped her face after I cought up with her and she just went into her first tantrum. I have never seen her so out of control. I gave her a proper telling off for being so naughty for no reason at all. She screamed for good 7-8 mins and I couldn't take it anymore so put her on a "naughty step" and left her there for 2-3 mins. When I came to see her she was so angry at me, she refused to be near me and ran upstairs saying she didn't want my cuddles (and crying for daddy). My dh went to get her and she calmed down but refused to speak to me all evening telling me I was naughty. I felt so bad and could barely sleep all night. I couldn't believe I could upset her so much. it was a horrible feeling and I doubt I will lose it again like that. She was terrified of me. Probably as she's never seen me shout at her before. We are very gentle and loving towards her (my parents were quite abusive towards me so i vowed never to show aggression towards my kids), and she responds by being a very good girl but yesterday... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tortington · 02/03/2006 00:08

i think its not 'normal' for a kid to be so upset after being shouted at.

what happens when they go to school? they will need a personal phychiatrist to deal with the fact that the teacher shouted at the class for not hanging their coats up quickly enough.

bobbybobbobbingalong · 02/03/2006 00:49

I don't shout because it damages me - my heart races, I get a headache afterwards, and it takes ages to calm down.

I don't want ds to feel like that either - and shouting causes others to shout, so if he shouted back he'd feel the same.

I sing instructions and the creative process of finding a way to sing it that sounds like it "sitting on the floor" going down 5 notes for instance is very calming. It also means ds only has to be half listening to me to know what he is supposed to do. The music sort of cuts through his concentration.

soapbox · 02/03/2006 00:58

Oh No!!! First time in a long time that I am going to disagree with Custardo!

I don't like shouting at children. Think it is unnecessary and quite bullying really.

I think we adults have enormous power over our children, even if we might nor realise it at times! I think we have to use that power very carefully!

I don't like shouting at all, from anyone, anytime. I am pretty laid back, thankfully which means that I manage to stay civil to my children most of the time!

As to whether it damages them - I have no idea. I pretty sure that it does them no good though, and on that basis it is probably not worth taking the risk that we might be damaging them:)

saadia · 02/03/2006 07:33

I think it's not really about the shouting but about the tone and vocabulary of the shouting. Yelling "Come on hurry up get ready" will probably not cause damage, but shouting really angrily (can's think of examples) will.

koolkat · 02/03/2006 07:58

I generally have quite aloud and boisterous voice, so even when I am not shouting people think I am !

I do have a bit of a temper, but have done wonders in deliberatley controlling it with DS ever since he was born.

Although my parents did not shout or hit us, I remember many of my relatives did, so I remember lots of shouting and throwing insults about at large family gatherings, which always scared me as a child and I would run for cover.

I have shouted at my toddler a few times (usually on days that I am really sick or really, really tired) and hated myself for it because he is so small and looks so startled when I do it.

I think the problem comes in when you do what my sister has been known to do, shout, then a small smack, then child cries, then she picks up and cuddles and kisses ! What a way to confuse a child !!

I don't agree with shouting as a form of discipline, but all I would say from what I have seen is if you are not consistent, then it's totally counterproductive.

colditz · 02/03/2006 09:32

I agree with Custardo. Any kid who is shaking just because someone has raised their voice, without "tone", may struggle in a school environment.

Most shouting is more what you would call 'calling' anyway - calling from the other end of the room as opposed to finding child, calming them enough to stop and listen to you, calmly issuing insuctions and then making sure it is carried out. Teachers don't have time for this.

Angeliz · 02/03/2006 09:38

As someone said further down, it's what you shout that i feel could damage a child.
I shout, not all the time but probably more than i'd like if i'm honest but if i feel i've been ott i will also apologise afterwards for shouting.
Funnily enough though, dd seems to know when i REALLY mean it, doesn't take much louder voics when i'm really on the edge, think she just knows.

I do think that if you're shouting and 'calling' the kids and saying you can't stand them-get out of my sight you horrible little s**t typ thing, then that is very wrong.

Angeliz · 02/03/2006 09:39

Yes i agree with Custardo on that too. Same with parents arguing, we very rarely do but at least once i can remeber and dd was there, she saw us argue-saw us both angry- then saw we were fine an hour later. Good lesson i think, arguing is not the end of the world.

sandyballs · 02/03/2006 10:02

Ahh, this is a timely thread . I try very hard not to shout at my DDs but, like others have said on here, we are all human and our kids need to know that sometimes they push us too far. Like this morning, at 8.25am (we need to leave the house at 8.30am) and DD is beside herself with grief because her pants do not match her vest and her tights have a "knobbly" bit in the toe which isn't comfy and her "bestest, ever, favourite" school pinafore dress is in the wash and she doesn't want to wear her other one. We'd need the patience of a saint to remain calm all the time. I shouted (a lot), she shouted back, but she also got dressed and we left the house .

Enid · 02/03/2006 10:04

I physically can't shout

my voice cracks

dh says its why he married me

Piffle · 02/03/2006 10:04

I thought the thread title said
Do you think SHOOTING at kids will damage them...
I came on all guns (!!!) blazing.....
Shouting umm depends how much, what you shout and whether it gets you what you want.
It works fine in our house with ds who is 12 but its more a stern raised voice, spoken very slowly...

saadia · 02/03/2006 10:08

lol Piffle, yes shooting might damage them, just a bit .

Enid · 02/03/2006 10:11

I can shriek though

and did the other day at poor dd1

we had a cuddle a bit later though and I said I was sorry

emkana · 02/03/2006 10:22

Dd1 moved me to tears the other day - we were reading a book in which it said about a Mum who shouts at her children - I said to dd "I shout sometimes, don't I?"
and dd hugged me and said "Yes, but you're still a lovely Mummy"
I took the opportunity to tell her that I shouldn't shout really but sometimes I make mistakes etc. and she was so lovely and said "It's okay Mummy"
but also for shouting!

nulnulcat · 02/03/2006 12:50

just really shouted well screamed to be precise at dd but she did have her hands tightly wrapped round a big chunk of my hair at the time and succeeded in pulling a fair chunk of it out! it really hurt and i think i was justified to shout at her my mum had a crueler suggestion and that was to pull her hair!!!!!!!!!!!!

bobbybobbobbingalong · 03/03/2006 03:33

My parents got a little heated in the car and ds pipes up "please just use nice words". He has also told my dad that he was a "bad man" when he shouted at him.

He stays quite calm and is not in the least bit cheeky, just very earnest. It works every time.

suzywong · 03/03/2006 03:40

mine too emkana

ds1 says in the most gentle voice "It's all right mama, I don't worry about it"

will be telling that to the rozzers when they pick him up for pulling the wings of ducklings in a few years' time.

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