do you think that shouting at kids damages them?

[notaniceperson]

OBVIOUSLY excessive or abusive shouting does yes, but what about in general?
You know when you are just so frustrated with them in every day settings.
Seem to be doing allot lately and it always alarms me the thought that i may be causing long term or even short term psychological or emotional damage.
ps i dont swear, dont belittle or anything like that, i raise my voice repeating my instructions to him for the 100000th time.....

Well if it does damage them my boy has had it. I come from a shouty family and I shout more than I'd like (I roar, in fact, sometimes) but I really don't think it's the end of the world. I haven't read the thread though, just the first post.

I wouldn't dream of shouting at a baby btw.

This is going to deteriorate into an anti-Gina Ford-Penelope Leach thread again, isn't it? We will have to agree to disagree, spidermama.

I like being paranoid. It saves me from feeling guilty. Heaven knows I have enough to worry about in this world without worrying about psychological damage. Sometimes I think we need to return to a simpler time.

i never said parenting gurus deliberately make you feel guilty or that it was a conspiracy.
with what poppadom said 'it's all part of the great conspiracy to make mums feel guilty' i took that on hypothetically.
I had a great midwive and she was great helping to me try to breastfeed, but when i couldn't i didn't feel guilty at all, etc
I based on it on lots of friends who have asked me for advice and confided in me how 'bad' their midwive, hv or whatever told them they were for various reasons and how guilty it made them feel

midwife!

I don't think parenting 'gurus' write books to make us feel guilty. Cookery books, for example, give us recipes so that we can see how someone else makes something, but I have never heard anyone saying "I'm a complete failure as a cook because I make yorkshire puddings differently to Delia". As long as you like your yorkshire puddings, who cares? But if they are as flat as pancakes, you might consult a couple of cookery books to see how other people make them and give their methods a try. Same with parenting.

Regardless of whether the conspiracy is deliberate or not, it seems that nearly every poster on MN is talking about how she feels like a crap mum. Not to say that we shouldn't all seek advice and reassurance; it just gives me pause for thought. Parenting is so hard these days-what with the rising cost of living, no exended family, rising divorce rate- I just think we should try to make it easier for ourselves. and if that means throwing out your parenting books, if they only make you worry all the more, then we should.

I don't think there is as much guilt over cooking yorkshire puddings as there is over rearing children, though, is there?

I am a failure as a cook, but a great mum

I think the people who could really benefit from parenting books will not read them anyway. Personally I read quite a few. I don't have a guru, but mix and match a bit of their advice. Sometimes I disagree quite a lot. I suppose I am my own guru really

I was shouted at, a lot, and my friends used to comment on what a shouty house I lived in...
but to be honest I have no bad memories of being shouted at!

I do shout, and I yawp in public ("Don't you ever run away from me again, it is dangerous and a car might squash you!")

I am that awful woman, who nice mummy's hurry past and shake their heads at

I try not to shout, don't always succeed but I try not to. I find it is tiring and ineffectual, unless used for emergencies - child running towards traffic etc.
My children know that I turn into the evil, witch woman if I have to repeat myself - so they are relatively good about doing stuff without being asked xxx times. I do always make sure that they have heard me, so if giving specific instructions I make sure I'm in the same room and making eye contact - makes a huge difference!
I would imagine repeated shouting is damaging simply because it suggests that communication is not working as it should. Can't see that it would be anything irreversible though.

You're right, Poppadom. We do all make ourselves feel guilty, so praps we should chuck out all the books and just do our best. I def work on a 'good enough' basis!!
(And my yorkshires are pretty hit and miss, to be honest!)

We have shouty neighbours over the fence at the garden. It's quiet all winter but as soon as it's warm enough for the kids to play outside then the shouting will start. (not start IYKWIM, I presume it goes on indoors too)

What makes me sad is that the kids just all shout too, but if they don't come in for their tea when they are shouted at, they then have to come in for their f*&%ing tea.

Hope they move soon.

It's better than strangulation.................

I have shouted at ds a number of times in the last few months.

I have shouted " stop whinning, you are driving me INSANE"

Then I leave and he follows.
So, I leave & he follows again.
And then , like Spidermama says , I realise it is probably not really him, that makes me shout .
And I say I'm sorry.
Is this good parenting ?
NO.
Am I ashamed ?
Yes.
I'm working on it.

i shout. i apologise. i feel bad. shouting is a really crap parenting tool.... i am trying v hard to mend my ways. have been known to shout "will you stop shouting" at top of my vioce... madness.

know what you mean controlfreaky. I always end up apologising as ds looks so terrified.

yes, shouting is not good. I was shouted at a lot as a child. I try not to, but still shout far more than I would like.

PMSL controlfreaky. I also shout 'STOP SHOUTING!' because how else are they going to hear me when they're shouting.

Probably taches them nobody, even Mum , is perfect which is a pretty good lesson in human relationships.

That's within sensible, non-abusive bounds obv. Yelling 'you little shit you ruined my life' when you can't gat a babysitter is not within those bounds. Yelling for some peace when they're whinging and they played up all night probably is.

That's true Peachyclair. Now, when ds loses his temper he always apologises afterwards, without being told to and when I apologise after shouting he always says "it's ok mamma I forgive you, will you never do it again". It seems he has accepted that losing temper is part of life and not that big a deal.

every day when i wake up i say to myself im not going to shout at dd and usually within an hour ive shouted at her probably coz she tormenting the cat for the zillionth time or some other bit of naughtiness or just to stop whinging for 5 mins!! doesnt make any difference but i sometimes feel better, and if we pop to the shops i always end up shouting at her! she really does turn into the devil child as soon as we walk through the doors of tescos! im the evil mum dragging her child along!! dont think it does her any harm could be doing a lot worse to her!

The problem is kids tend to think that their mums and dads are always right and parents are the centre of their universe so when mum shouts at them - rather than making negative judgements about mum - they believe they deserve to be shouted at. I know I did.

I thought you said your family didn't shout spidermama?

I said hardly ever jane313.
That doesn't mean I've never been shouted at. Friends, teachers etc. Surely we all know what it feels like to be shouted at.