When will the hitting phase end?

[Maria101]

My DD has just turned 2 and has been hitting other toddlers for about 8 months now. It started when she was just over 1 and she would hit me in the face during nappy changes etc. I told her firmly no and she gradually stopped. Then she started swiping other children her age. I take her away from the situation/tell her firmly no/I'm consistent/I don't shout/I've tried time out/I never let her get over-tired or hungry etc. Basically I've tried everything you're told to do in this situation. But she still does it and it's really getting me down.

Today for example, I took her to soft play and within two minutes of arriving she walked up to a similar-aged boy and hit him full in the face for no reason. Then she hit his brother. Then she hit a younger girl for holding onto a chair she had sat on a few moments before. I ended up leaving because I was so upset and embarrassed. I told her off on the way out and said I was very disappointed in her and she went very quiet. When we got home she was extra nice and kept smiling at me, and I kept firmly saying how upset I was with her. She said sorry a few times and looked sad. But I know if I take her back tomorrow the same thing will happen because it always does.

It's so frustrating being told that it's just a phase because surely it should have ended by now? Also, she's not 'just being a toddler' because her NCT friends who she has known since birth don't behave like her, and other toddlers at music group/playgroups don't act like this either. They may do it occasionally, but it's so consistent with her. Over the last six months she's become so much more whiney too. I've noticed she gets upset/angry/frustrated way more than other toddlers. During play dates or groups, she cries over the slightest thing and will often pretend to fall over to get attention and cry more. But she's not lacking in attention. I work part-time and we read books, paint, go to the park etc every day. Yet she seems so angry and frustrated the whole time and it's getting so hard to deal with.

I'm so p*ssed off with the whole thing and don't know what I'm doing wrong. Please help.

It's natural to feel frustrated Maria101 - it's very stressful for you. If she hits another child, I would recommend making a huge fuss of the other child ('oh dear, are you ok? poor little girl' etcetc) and ignoring your DD. Lashing out can become a terrific way of getting attention and causing a fuss - it's very dramatic and as adults we get upset and shocked by it so she's almost guaranteed to cause a stir! If she sees the other child getting all the attention, it may make her less likely to lash out.

She's too young to understand that you're upset about something she did 2/5/10/20 minutes ago so punishing her won't work. Try to notice when she's behaving positively - playing, looking at a book, smiling at you, any kind of behaviour you want to encourage - and give her loads of attention then. She needs positive ways to get your attention. And if she's a bit clingy, try to let her cling rather than encourage her to separate from you - she may be going through a phase where she really needs to be around you. It happens - part of regular development!

I forgot to add, I also do the 'pay the other child attention' thing too. She's not clingy either, I didn't say she was. She's just angry and frustrated all the time, and hits over kids. I'd take clingy over that any day.

'During play dates or groups, she cries over the slightest thing and will often pretend to fall over to get attention and cry more'

I interpreted this as clingy, sorry. Do you access your local Children's Centre? They will probably have a Family Support Worker or similar who will have loads of experience supporting parents to manage children's behaviour. In my experience, this is something that almost every parent struggles with at some point.

I do feel for you my DS was a nightmare at hair pulling he used to pull any childs hair for no reason we became hermits because I was embarassed to take him anywhere. He was worse at about 2 and calmed down alot when he started pre school. However he is a very well behaved boy when I am not about so I knew he was doing it for attention and the more attention I gave him the more he did it. So I just ignored him and after he realised he wasn't going to get any type of attention for doing it he stopped. However today at a soft play centre he pulled a childs hair first time in over a yr and I went mad at him shouted at him as it was my automatic reaction, however after this he got another 6 or 7 children just like the old days as he realised he had got my attention, wish I hadn't reacted now and am hoping I haven't made the situation worse!!! In all other aspects of my sons behaviour he is so well behaved and also pre school have never had an issue with him so I know it is something he just purely did or does for my attention!!

I have a hitter too,its horrible and it hurts too,she is very strong. I have found withdrawing completely has stopped her hitting us but how i tackle it when out is yet to be seen.