20m REFUSES to spoon-feed himself. How do I tackle?

[CravingSunshine]

Mine seems to be the opposite of the other thread that's on here recently. DS is an excellent eater. He's fine with finger food and also loves to be spoon fed. But I want him to start spoon-feeding himself so I can wean his baby sister. He is completely resistant and refuses to eat. What he doesn't do is hold the bowl edge in one hand and scoop with the spoon in the other. He will pick up a loaded spoon however. He is no better with a fork.
I don't always want to- nor can- offer finger food because I often cook bolognese or chicken tarragon or fish with a sauce so he needs to get the hang of cutlery. And his breakfast porridge of course.
How can I get him off the dependency on me without creating too much of an issue?

What does he do if you leave him to it with cutlery and a bowl? Does he not eat or does he use his fingers?

Have you tried the OTT praise any time he uses his spoon and muted face of disappointment when he uses fingers ? Taken food away if he does toss the spoon to one side and tries to delve in with his hands?

Just don't feed him. Put his porridge in front of him and leave him to it. Close your eyes to the mess. Believe me, if they're hungry they will eat porridge/bolognese etc with fingers and it won't take him long to work out that he can shovel a lot more effectively with a spoon.

flubba he just pokes at the food with the cutlery and doesn't really eat it. I guess he knows I'll help him if he waits. I could try taking it away if he casts aside the spoon. He's weird though; he hates getting bits of porridge on his hands so therefore doesn't tend to dive in and if a speck falls on the tray it has to be wiped up immediately!
Zuleika I might cut back his first milk so he's really hungry and has to eat, like you suggest. If he'd only hold the bowl with one hand, then he'd be able to scoop with the other!

DD is 3 and usually eats well with her fork and is beginning to use a knife. She used to treat every food as a finger food! Soup (with bread broken into it), shepherd's pie, etc. She still doesn't always hold the bowl when she scoops! How about if for a week or so you hold his hand with the spoon in it and help him to scoop?

He'll figure it out if you leave him to starve Have you tried loading the spoon for him and then handing him the spoon to feed himself with? Don't be tempted to feed him. Load spoon, give him the spoon, step away! :) Then when he's sussed that, leave him with an unloaded spoon and a bowlful of food and step away again. May take a few days...

I'd leave him to it for some other reason e.g. I've got to rearrange the contents of this drawer and see what he does.

And if he is good with finger food just switch to that more often for a bit.

Why dont you get one of the bowls with a sucker on the bottom so it stays in one place on the tray? I would just leave him to it myself I had to do this with dd so we could both eat some hot dinner. Or give him a few spoonfulls so he has eaten something then leave him so at least you know he has eaten a little bit.

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I will try leaving him to it. I have turned a blind I to load dishwasher etc but he whimpers and I go back and reload spoon for him! It's a bit frustrating as I know he's only one step away but I think he's holding back because he wants the attention. Even if I sit there with him he won't do it. He's fine with a loaded spoon flubba, and Galena if I hold his hand over the spoon he goes mad. We'll see. I don't think he'll dig his hands in out of desperation as he doesn't like bits of food sticking to his fingers! I'll try a sucker bowl DeathMetal. Trying not to make too much of a fuss as at the moment mealtimes are really good in our house and I know not everyone is as lucky.

Good luck!

DS 21 months also doesn't use cutlery very much. He will use his fingers without fail unless I put the fork or spoon in his hand, if I do this he will have a go but within a minute its dropped again and the hands go in. If I left him to it he would never pick it up. I'm currently working on the basis that if I keep at it with him every meal he might be using cutlery voluntarily by the time the next one comes along in a few months time.

I'm not worried. He can do it, he just doesn't want to.

I definitely wouldn't give him milk in the morning before breakfast - at 20 months he doesn't need it and then he'll be properly hungry for breakfast.

Zuleika I hadn't read your post before this morning... He had his 4oz milk at 7.15 but breakfast wasn't till 8.10 or so. I figure he must be hungry. I ate my porridge with him and loaded him 2 spoons to begin with so at least he had something. Then I got on with the housework. He just poked about with the spoon and then slid the melamine bowl off the tray onto the floor so it cracked. The whole lot went into the bin, bowl and all. Not much success.
At lunch he had toast and baked beans. He ate the squares of toast with the beans on but the remainder, which should've been scooped up with spoon, he just pushed about and I eventually -after about 20 minutes- put it in the bin as he simply wasn't eating it.
I don't think he gets the message AT ALL and wonder if I should just carry on the way we are, loading spoons for him and he'll eventually come round? I hear that kids at nursery learn quickly from watching each other but surely kids looked after at home have to learn too somehow? And there are simply too many foods that need to be scooped for me to think of finger foods all the time.

Try reducing his portion sizes, perhaps - seriously, a baby who is hungry will get the food to his mouth one way or another. If he's just shoving it about then he doesn't want it. Does he eat more at different times of day? My 19mo DS will eat for Britain in the morning but often has very little interest in supper at all - in fact will sometimes get down from the table after one mouthful (or none) and be quite happy to go to bed without eating anything. If you don't feed him, your DS will get the message. You could try baby-led weaning with your DD!

I agree, Zuleika, he doesn't sound like a hungry child to me. If he's happily pushing food around, he's not interested in eating it, he's playing with it (which is good and a valuable phase). If he was hungry he'd be getting grouchy and wanting help. I also disagree with foods which 'need to be scooped'. DD ate lots of sloppy foods by hand - did her no harm and just needed wiped after meals. Foods don't NEED to be scooped at 20m.

DS didn't really start using a spoon himself till he was about 2.3 years. (He was capable earlier, but wasn't really interested). We did BLW and I've never spoonfed him. He'd even eat yoghurt with his hands.

Now he's 2.6 and feeds himself sloppy things with spoons, and can use them for measuring out flour etc when cooking.

Thanks Galena and Zuleika. I'll cut his morning milk back and see but if we've no luck I'll just wait it out. I guess it's not that big a deal to load a spoon for him. Funny you say about your kids not minding getting messy, I don't know if he's got a bit of OCD on that front but he really doesn't like food on his hands! Anyway, enough for now!

If you think him disliking messy hands might be getting in the way of him self-feeding (entirely possible) then the best place to start can often be to encourage other types of messy play. Experiment with different textures to see what he tolerates (mud, bubbles, shaving foam, paint, clay, playdoh, flour-and-water etc) and go from there.

Have you always wiped him as soon as he's got messy? I always tried not to wipe DD until the end of the meal, no matter how messy she got. She's now really chilled about messy hands.

I agree that messy play is often the way to go.

If mealtimes are generally happy, I'd just carry on as you are.

DS is 2.4 and still often needs help to eat his meals, especially towards the end when he is getting bored and is less hungry! At 20 months I was still feeding him the majority of his meals.

He sounds similar to your DS in that he will eat dry food with his fingers but would never tackle bolognese etc with his hands. It's only very recently that he has stopped being alarmed by finger painting etc...he is quite happy to get his hands messy but doesn't want to eat with them.

Just keep offering cutlery and encouraging him to use it. He'll get there :)