Behavioural problems 3.5 yr old

[TwoCrazyKids]

My ds is 3.5. I also have 2.5 yr old son. My ds's behaviour has gotten so bad over the last year.

He was an absolute angel child until he hit about 2.5. He has a great temperament and can count on one hand the amount of tantrums he's had, he has also never hit or pushed another child (except his brother!) but he is just always up to no good!

I'll just give a few examples of recent events to give you an idea:

Today, a friend dropped in to collect something, it was just a flying visit but as I was talking to her, he took my lipgloss out of my bag and smeared it on the hall wall!! Then when my friend was leaving he literally barged out the front door and around the corner!

We had a visitor staying with us recently and his table manners were appalling ( they are normally good) he threw food on ground banged his spoon etc

When we go to anyone's house (especially somewhere where there are no kids) he just messes the whole time, keep pressing there microwave buttons, touching all their things, dropping toys on floor etc

If anyone comes over to visit me, he's up to now good to the point that I can't even talk to friend.

I know it is an attention thing. When we are alone( as in just him and I) he is an angel. When it is just me and my two ds's he is just normal toddler.

He was obviously my first child so got a lot of attention as a baby and child, he is also first grandchild so is used to being the centre of attention with our families.

I usually react to the behaviour by either giving him a warning and if it continues putting him in a high chair until he is ready to play nice. Or withdrawing a treat/toy.

I'm so worried about him and am constantly on edge when I have guests which I'm sure he picks up on. Im sure everyone thinks he is a brat:( he just can not help himself.

I praise him so much. I give him lots and lots of love. He is in play school part time and is much better on the days he is in there which suggests to me that he is bored. His teacher says he is good for her but she could be just saying that as I know she makes him hold her hand when they are our for walks where as all the other kids get to just hold each others hands iykwim.

Do you think I need to talk with a behavioural therapist or something similar?

I forgot to say, one thing that bothers me about it all is that he is so unpredictable. He can be an angel one minute then just snap and start acting up. Today it was raining so I got him a DVD and popcorn. He was sitting happily watching g DVD and eating when all of a sudden he just emptied the popcorn on the floor and laughed!

Im lurking here. My DD is the same age as your DS and it seems that since telling her she is going to be a big sister she has went slightly mad.

She intentionally breaks things, steps out infront of cars (back to the wrist strap now) is cheeky, slams doors etc etc.

I have tried every kind of punishment. I give buckets of good praise. I even tried ignoring but then she tried to smash a window.

I hope some wise one comes along to give some answers...

I do think it is a sibling rivalry thing. He was so good until ds2 started to walk/talk and get more attention from people.

A few weeks ago, ds2 was napping and ds and I were just chatting and watching tv. He was in great form until ds2 woke up. Literally the second he saw ds2, he jumped up and started bouncing up and down on coffee table and started throwing toys :(

Mine is only going to get worse then :(

Its definately attention seeking behaviour. Do they play well together? Maybe encouragement in the role of big brother would help?

I really havent a clue on this one. Going to have to do some research I think!

"Behavioural problems 3.5 yr old" is a pretty harsh label for something really very usual ion 3.5 yos imvho OP.

Look at the parenting threads of toddlers here and you'll see even without the complication of a sibling or a visitor 3,5yos push buttons.

I suppose the best thing to do is be consistent, read to him and his younger brother in plenty of quiet times and keep on talking them out to the park to burn off energy.

the book Ways to Bring Out the Best in You & Your Child www.maggiereigh.com/ is very good and might help.

Domestic goddess, yes that's a good suggestion about the big brother role. Because they are the same height, they look like twins and I tend to treat them like twins. I do praise them for playing nice together but I would never really mention the big bro thing. I will try that tomorrow. They play ok together. Some days they will get on like a house on fire, others they will kill each other all day. But I think that is normal for brothers especially so close in age.

I feel sorry for ds1 because it's not his fault that i dobt have as much time for him anymore. Plus he is getting a label put in him, I try so hard not to give him the 'messer' label but he must pick up on something and other people often comment on him being a little monkey etc.

Pear-shaped, I'm not sure what he does is 'normal' for his age. I know none of the kids in his class behave like this from what I've seen, although most of then are a bit older than him.

Domestic, it may not get worse for you. Ds1 was only 11 months when ds2 arrived. He was too young to feel jealous but I felt so bad that he was an only child for such a small time that I went overboard trying to not let him feel left out and I think it has backfired now. Ds2 doesn't crave any attention from me, he can get hyper with ds1 but generally he's very good.

I know that all three year olds push buttons but some of the behaviours DD displays shock me.

She was literally a perfect child. And its as if overnight I have a different child altogether. She is quite intelligent so I try to keep her stimulated but even that doesnt seem to work.

I tell her all the time about how she will be mummys big helper when the baby comes and she likes to talk about how she will play with it and has even set out sone of her toys to give to it. On the whole she seems excited. But in her head shes probably thinking more negatively and just cant articulate it.

Maybe your DS1 just needs to see his brother as a friend and ally rather than something which takes up your time. Does DS1 go to any classes or activities just himself? So that he has a chance to be him without his little brother in tow?

Sorry if they arent good suggestions. There must be a solution :)

I have a 3.5yr old ds (my ds2) and I think he is probably old enough to understand a conversation about when other people come round/ you are at their houses. I think preparation is really important, and letting him know your expectations clearly (and repeatedly). For example, if someone is coming over you can say, "...is coming over. I would like to be able to talk to them and then when they are gone we are going to spend some time doing playdough/ drawing a picture. I'd like you to ask me nicely if you need anything." When you go to others' houses, ask him to choose the toys/ colouring books he'd like to take and say, "I don't want you to touch things which you are not supposed to touch." I'm sure he knows what he's not supposed to touch, otherwise he wouldn't do it to get attention!

You sound a bit guilt ridden (I think), and allowing yourself to be a pushover, which I can totally relate to because I have an older ds, also first grandchild on both sides, then had twins when he was nearly 3. I'm the eldest child, so I know what it feels like to be 'pushed out' so maybe I have over empathised with my ds1 and let him get away with more than I should have. My ds2 is probably more of a 'handful' naturally but I find it much easier to have stronger/ clearer boundaries with him because I don't have all these emotions tied up with it. It's doing him a lot of favours. Ds2 is more confident, secure etc. I'm still getting there and learning with ds1, but beginning to see that my guilt and over identification isn't helping him.

Domestic, yes ds is the same, he is very very articulate and needs a lot of stimulation. I didn't want to say this, to avoid outing myself but I also mind a 1yr old who up until recently was very difficult so took up a lot of my time. He has settled in now and is a lot easier to manage so I can give my own boys a lot more attention now.

Merry gold, your right, I need to pre warn him. I do tell him as we walk in that I want good behaviour but I think maybe I should be firmer with this and as you said say we can do play dough etc after.

I know he can be such an angel. He is very caring with animals and with the baby I mind. But the problem is only myself and do get to see this side of him. I want everyone to see his good side. I've been praising him all morning about being a great big bro and we've had no trouble so far!

Your spot on about the guilt/emotions. I obviously love ds2 as much as ds1 but for some reason I can give out to him easier than I can ds1. I don't know why that is.

Ds1 is gone off to summer camp for the morning do have a quiet house now :)

Following this thread with interest. DS1 has what I would call acts of extreme kindness followed by extreme naughtiness and he is a different child when DS2 is not around.

I know it is a mixture of factors - him starting pre-school; his younger brother.

I feel what would help would actually being on my own with him a bit more but that is impossible.

Hello. Really interested to read this post as we have similar issues with ds1 (3.8m) who I think (and sort of hope) is just jealous of ds2 (23m). Nursery describe him as 'challenging' and we all find that the main problem is that he won't listen and doesn't seem to care about sanctions etc. The not listening is really frustrating and I hate it when I then shout at him. I do a lot of counting to 10! I'm sure its all an attention thing and he can switch from angel(ish) to awful and back. He is full on though and like some other posters, I feel drained and guilty about the amount of energy/attention he gets at the expense of ds2.

We need some early year professionals on this thread.

I have just read a book actually by Steve Biddulph called Raising Boys. One thing it does say which I have been guilty of is making explanations too long. He says that explanations should not be longer than a sentence because otherwise young children just disengage, then you have to make them repeat the instruction back, so you can then see that they have absorbed it.

I have only been doing it for a couple of days - works a bit. I will let you know if I continue to have success. Please let me know any other tactics.

Domestic goddess, I just wanted to let you know, I took your advice about the role of big brother and rather than praising him for playing nicely with ds2 I have been say what a great big brother he is or asking him to help me with 'big' jobs because he's the big brother! His behaviour has improved so much!!