DD (6) seems suddenly very insecure and clingy

[MissM]

DD turned 6 in May, has up until now generally been a happy little thing and quite self-sufficient. In the last month or so though she seems to have regressed and become extremely clingy and insecure, and I'm worried it's becoming a problem.

For example, she has three times now burst into tears at a friend's house and wanted to come home, so much so that the parents have rung me to come and get her (at which point she immediately calms down). Today my dad was taking her and DS to the theatre and she cried and cried at the point of him taking her in that she didn't want to be away from me. She tells me a lot 'I just want to be with you all the time' and gets upset when I go to yoga, for a run, or if DH and I go out.

I'm really not sure what to do. We've done lots of talking and reassuring, I've been quite brisk about it (e.g. today I told her that she either went with grandad or would have to sit in the theatre foyer until I came to collect her, so she chose grandad), I've continued to go to yoga, for a run etc. My worry is the playdates - how can I help her manage these without crying and having to come home? At what point will her friends stop inviting her over because she cries every time? It's getting to be a real issue, and I want to stop that before whatever is upsetting her becomes an actual fear.

Anyone?

Don't make her go on playdates for a while, give her at least the summer off.

Next, talk to her, has something happened to make her unhappy has someone said something. (Young children can be incredibly nasty sometimes, I have a friend whose older child told the younger one they were adopted "but don't talk to Mum and dad they will just deny it".) I would also talk to the teacher and see if anything has happened at school.

My kids at times have given me a little something "to remember me by" for me to take when I went out. I would suggest you also make sure she knows what is happening each day, when you are going out, how long you will be, when you will be back. Help her know what is going to happen.

It could also be that she is just going through one of those stages, where she has realised a) that you are totally separate from her and b) that you are not "always there". So just gently reassure her.

I also wouldn't panic. Take the long view, do you really think she is going to be crying whenever she goes out as an adult? It really won't be that long until she is a teenager who finds you embarrassing.

Thanks mummytime, that is sound and calm advice! I've been getting a bit panicky about it I think, anxious that she'll spiral downwards so no-one will ask her to play (ridiculous I know - I have a bit of a tendency to catastrophise!) I did wonder if she was going through some kind of stage/phase, but couldn't see it replicated in any other kids her age - they all seem very happy and secure to come and play, stay for tea etc. I like the idea of going through my day with her.

One thing I do wonder about is that she's been very constipated recently and on medication for it (Movicol). This means she has to rush to the loo at odd times, often as soon as we get in from school. I did wonder whether that was one of her reasons for being anxious about playing at others' houses, but if I try to question her about it she gets very defensive (understandably).

I think they do go in cycles of insecurity, or at any rate all of mine have. I've only occasionally managed to pin it down to something, and often the cause seems to be very small in an adult's eye. One time it was the child had pressed a toy on a friend as they were leaving-entirely done by my dc, she frequently did this. Then she got upset about 2-3 days later and it seemed to trigger a clingy stage.

With ds it's almost always being ill. I'm not sure if it's because he likes the attention/cuddles when ill, or what, but it always coinsides with having been ill. So I would suspect the constipation might be it. Do you think that perhaps at a friend's house maybe she couldn't find the toilet/it was already beign used/parent said "surely you can't need to go again"?

The adpotion story is fairly common. I've got a book published in 1920s that mentioned that the author's brother told her that, and I know of at least 2 of my schoolfriends had been told that by older siblings. Although one of them found it exciting and was convinced she was really a princess! I think the cartoonest Giles admitted to telling his younger brother that too.

It could well be the toilet thing. One of mine after school trips (certainly up to 2/3 days) needed the toilet as soon as he came home, as I suspect he didn't use the toilets there. Often kids don't like using other peoples toilets, especially for poos.

I can also be calm over your child, as she is your child. I did spend a lot of time when mine were little having to remind myself they wouldn't do X when they were 18. I also often wished for a crystal ball just to check they will turn out okay.

I think reminding myself that they won't be doing X as a teenager will be helpful! She's been really happy today, as a friend has come to play. I've noticed though that she's not gone to the loo at all - suspect she will the moment the friend has left.

I think I'm finding it tough as if I mention it to other mums they don't seem to have experienced the same with their kids. Or perhaps their turn hasn't arrived yet.