Oh my she is getting a lot of attention for all this unwanted behaviour.
She ignores us and ignores us and ignores us. Sometimes (quite often) the only way you get through is by shouting
She ignores you because she knows you will ask again, and again, and again. There is no incentive to respond immediately. She gets more attention for ignoring you.
Make sure there are consequences for unwanted behaviour. Then tell her once, 'I have just spoken to you, if you do not (whatever it is you wanted) you will (name the consequence - have no tv, or whatever).
Don't ask again - follow through with the consequence.
We know she can have dry nights, but only if there is a reward for doing it
She is controlling your attention here too. Either from staying dry for a reward or, when that's not enough for her, by wetting. Why does she need a reward at her age. You are making this into a much bigger thing than it is. Don't give her any more attention for this. If she is dry be casual about it, after all it is perfectly normal and what you would expect. If she wets, just change her bedding without comment as if it makes absolutely no difference to you.
We want her to try cutting up her food (she is 6 nearly 7).. she will argue until she is blue in the face that she wont do ? she would rather have a row that give it a go
Oh dear, op, she's getting loads of attention for this, at least three times a day. Why? It's just not necessary. One day she will do it for herself. She is not going to want to eat with her fingers when she's out on a date! Don't cut up her food for her and don't ask her to do it. Just give her the food, give her the cutlery and let her make her own choice about that one. She can't argue with herself, remember, so if she says she's not going to cut it just say (casually) ok, and change the subject.
will go thirsty or hungry rather than get up (she often goes thirsty and hungry, I don?t mind if she makes the effort ? but the mouthful I get for not doing it immediately is unbelievable)
Ignore, ignore, ignore. Walk out of the room (the house if you need to). I never listen to my dc when they shout at me. I say 'If you want to talk I will listen, but not if you're going to shout at me'.
I try to talk quietly to her about it (why didn?t you do what Daddy asked, why are you shouting at me because I don?t have any biscuits left)
Because she gets lots of attention for it. She won't actually be aware that this is the reason and she won't be able to articulate it to you but it is. Wanting attention is perfectly natural and using whatever means to get it is also natural for children. We need to learn that some behavious are inappropriate at best and unacceptable at worst.
So it all boils down to the old favourites, ignore the bad, praise the good, no shouting, no smacking, both parents using the same strategies, set the boundaries and always follow through.
Sorry for such a long reply, op, but sometimes it helps to understand the reasoning behind the behaviour 