is my DD out of control, or am I over-reacting?

[rhetorician]

she is 3.5. My DP thinks that her tantrums, refusal to do as she's told, obstinacy (tell her to stop doing something and she deliberately does it), her inability to exercise any kind of self-control is all her age and that she will grow out of it. I am beginning to think that we have a problem. Nothing that we do seems to have any effect. I told her when she came in that she couldn't watch tv, cue 30 minute meltdown accompanied by telling us not to talk to her, that she wants to go away ('nowhere', apparently), hysterical crying. I have put her in her room telling her firmly that I am happy to talk to her when she calms down. She is kicking and screaming like a banshee.

You have received lots of good advice already.
But just to add a few more thoughts...

My DD1 is a lot like you describe. She is nearly four and has been gradually improving over the last couple of months, but we do get a lot of the rejection, pushing us away, leave me alone type stuff, especially when she gets very upset. I always tell her that I'm right here if she needs me and to let me know when she's ready to calm down.

I don't leave her to tantrum on her own usually as it makes things worse. I just stay in the background, paying her no direct attention but still being there, if you see what I mean. If she tells me to leave her alone I just say OK, I'm here if you need me, and usually after a few minutes she comes over for a cuddle, we talk about what happened, apologise if necessary, etc.

I think it's important to remember that for many kids of this age, the huge feelings they are experiencing are overwhelming and they simply dont have the powers of rational thought to deal with them. So we really have to help them negotiate their way through their feelings, learn to control them but not deny or belittle them in any way. Easier said than done of course!

I found the book "The Science of Parenting" really useful in terms of understanding young childrn's brains. It helps when you realise there is a scientific reason for their behaviour, and they are not just being obtuse for the sake of it!

Ps just reread this and it sounds a bit patronising - not trying to be! Sorry.

gastrgnome - not patronizing at all - I feel very lucky to be the recipient of so much supportive and helpful advice. And the last few days I have often felt like a complete failure as a parent. WHen this happens, she will often take herself to her room, and I usually hover in the room next door and periodically let her know that I am there.

We have had a MUCH better day today I am glad to say - partly because we have been putting some of these suggestions into action