How to deal with an uncooperative toddler

[Noomininoo]

DD2 has just turned 2 and has suddenly decided she is not going to cooperate with me in any way, shape or form. She fights me every step of the way in whatever we're doing. She struggles when I'm trying to change her nappy, get her (un)dressed, put her in her car seat, put her shoes/socks on, she point blank refuses to let me clean her teeth or do pretty much anything she doesn't want to do.

I know this is all normal behaviour for a 'terrible 2yo' & she's just trying to assert her independence/control but I'm finding it pretty hard to cope with at the moment. Everything is just a constant battle & its getting more & more difficult not to lose my temper with her. I'm just at a complete loss on how to 'manage' this behaviour. I hate having to constantly hold her down or force her to do things but at the same time I have to change her nappy/clean her teeth/strap her in her car seat etc, etc, etc...

She's too little for naughty step/time out & I'm not sure she'll really understand sanctions such as 'if you don't do this then you can't have that...' or reward charts yet so does anyone out there have any tips on how best to 'handle' DD2 & turn my house into less of a battle ground?

one thing I always found that helped,

pre discussing what was going to happen next,

"when we have finished breakfast, and cleared away, we are going to get ready to go to the shops",

"what do we need to go to the shops?"

"shoes"

"clever girl, can you find the shoes"

"what else do we need?"

if they get loads of praise and attention for positive contributions, they tend to help,

and explaining plans in advance gives them a chance to rehearse in their heads what is about to happen, they like to be fully informed.

Yes, I'm very new to this stage as well (reckon there are a good few more months to go...), but at least at the moment I am, firstly, trying v hard to pick battles and secondly, trying to get into a consistent habit as I know DD understands a lot even if she chooses to ignore and not actually speak herself. So I have been following the advice to give choices as much as possible and keep the tone upbeat, some quite creative(!) - 'Would you like to do your teeth yourself or shall Mummy have a turn?' 'Do you want to choose yourself a new nappy?' (we like this one!) 'Do you want to wear x shoes or y shoes?' 'Do you want to walk to the door or hop to the door?'... and also to ask calmly and politely for whatever, with a short explanation why if appropriate, then if tantrums occur, after a period of ignoring, to say, 'I asked you to do x and you didn't/you still did y/whatever, this is dangerous and I won't let you try to hurt yourself or other people (this is what DD does as she deliberately bangs head, often, which tends to land her in her cot until she is calm(ish) and safe.)' I think that 2nd bit is a part of a timeout/naughty step technique but I figure it can't hurt to introduce it so that more comprehension of consequences develops. So, so tough 24/7 though.

It is really annoying when they first enter this stage, because you're so used to just quickly getting things done like dressing them/changing them etc.

But you have to adapt to a whole new way of doing things, which involves lots of negotiation, discussion, insistence and sometimes outright bribery. The advantage is that the next stage is where they can get lots of things done for themselves (dressing, going to the loo etc. etc.) without you having to be very involved, which really frees up time.

So - don't be too hardline about it.

YY to discussing what's going to happen before it does. And to picking your battles.

Try making everything into a game (exhausting when you're not in the mood, but worth it) - races to get upstairs, timing how quickly she can get dressed, declaring 'I bet you can't xxxxx' and acting amazed when she does. Accept that sometimes things work and sometimes they don't - and leave LOADS of time for everything, especially getting out of the house.

And, when it all gets really irritating, try and see the funny side and laugh to yourself at how this small person is getting you into the most ridiculous situations.

It gets better as they develop more rationality, eventually!

I try to give DD choices too. It gives her some control over her life. Make games out of the littlest things. Do a funny walk to the sink to get her to wash her hands. Sing songs about anything. Tickles if she's crying in bed. Anything to diffuse the situation.

Empathise with her too. Like today, she wanted to watch Peppa Pig before her nap, started crying and I said I'd like to watch peppa too. Wouldn't it be lovely to have a giant tv with a giant peppa, and so on It worked! Much to my amazement.