PLEASE HELP!! i need some mumsnet wisdom!! RE: 4yr old

[MzPixielated]

i really have no clue as to what to do! Every day when i pick up DS (4.5) from school i get told he's done something naughty.
Today he hit a child in the face with a tennis racket apparently, its usually hitting, always at lunch time (his teacher says during class he's a pleasure to teach).
The head teacher came out to the playground and told me when i came to collect him, in front of all the other mums, i just wanted the ground to swallow me up.
now i don't want to sound like one of these mums that could never believe their child was in the wrong but i have honestly never seen him be aggressive towards another child! we have play dates with my friends children and he plays with children in the park all the time and not once have i seen him even get angry towards another child, even when he thinks im not looking. Hes only been on the naughty step three times this year and he always remembers his manners, believe it or not hes actually a very loving happy little boy (at least at home he is!).
Hes been not allowed to go out to play at lunch a few times now and usually gets sent to the head teachers office after hes done something. today the head said that if it didnt stop hed have to 'come home for lunch or something', they don't seem to have a disciplinary system in place to be honest.
it was the same situation at nursery so i dont think its the school, i always say we will have words but having not seen the behaviour i can only go on what ive been told, i try to ask his side of things but i dont get far, he has little or no attention span and when i do get an answer its usually something like "the robots made me do it".
The teachers look at me like i can just flick a switch and he'll stop acting up but i just don't have the answers!
Hes the youngest in the class with an august birthday if that makes any difference. i don't feel like im coping..
please tell me its just a phase and by five he'll be a model student!
sorry for the essay i didn't want to drip feed and thank you if you've got this far. Also sorry if my typing is crap, very sleep deprived and shushing a screaming colicky six week old!
HELLLLP!

Why don't you offer to come in at lunch time and watch him without him knowing? if you did that for a week and there were no instances then you would have reason to doubt it.

oh i dont doubt it, i dont think the teachers are wrong i just think that there must be a serious reason for him acting this way or perhaps he's being provoked? i suppose i could ask if i could come in??

I think it sounds like they are being very unprofessional by approaching you in the playground and they are also not taking any responsibility for the lack of supervision. I have a similar problem and have spoken to the teacher about it, I am under no misconceptions that my DS isnt a hand full at times but the school cannot push all of this onto you. They have a part to play too and perhaps you could ask them what they intend to do to tackle it? I found that working with the teacher and finding out what they are doing at school, then carrying it through at home helped. They appreciated me working with them and I felt better that they actively playing their part too.
Don't forget what sleep deprivation can do also, it might not be as serious as you think but after 6 weeks with little sleep things feel a whole lot worse!

Is it always against the same child/children? Seems odd that he's fine in lessons, could there be a touch of mild bullying happening (either to or from your DS)?

Thank the school for telling you, then ask what they are going to do about it?

Sending him home solves nothing, and they cannot insist you do this (unless they exclude him). Equally, you cannot remotely control his behavior so they need to step up to the plate and come up with a plan.

And if he is generally well-behaved then I'm sure its down to age/immaturity (and probably over-excitement) and this too will pass.

thank you sassy i also thought it was very unprofessional to approach mums in the playground about these things. i would have thought the head would call during school hours so we could come in, sit down, try to get to the bottom of the problem and draw up some sort of action plan together. rockchick no its different children every time, always boys though. i dont think sending him home for lunches is going to help, eventually hes going to have to eat with the other kids, it only solves the symptoms of the behaviour not getting to the main reason as to why its happening.

This does not sound right.. He is good in class, he is good at home but not at lunchtime. This sounds like there is something they are not telling you. As you have spoken to the teacher go to the head teacher gently remind them it is unprofessional of her to speak to you on the playground in front of the other mothers. Ask for their behaviour policy so you know where your child fits into it.
The next step would be working with the school to find out what's wrong...

Has your child is pleasure to teach the sending him home at lunchtime is a cop out and not entirely legal without an investigation unless blood is present and then it starts with the rest of the day.

I think sleep may play a part in this. I will straighten its self out.

Hearing problems? Ds has hearing issues so lunch time is difficult for him because he struggles to hear against the noise everyone's making, so he gets frustrated and lashes out. Plus if it's windy or very loud noises are physically painful for him. He compensates very well so it is difficult to remember at times, but lunch time is a typical time he copes badly.