2y.o. DD hurting newborn brother, help please!

[mammainlove]

DS2 is just 2 weeks old. Up until a couple of days ago, DD1 was so nice with her little brother! Kissing and stroking him. We felt so lucky. She then started spitting on him, then pressing her head hard against his, now hitting him hard, laughing all the time whilst doing this..

I think I've really screwed up how I've reacted to this. I knew that children do this to get a reaction, through jealousy, anger, attention seeking etc. it's been really hard to keep my cool though, being so tired, protective and over sensitive at the moment. I try talking gently to her, but I have to use strength to hold her off him, which is hard, she carries on getting worse and laughing more, and a couple of times I've actually slapped her face and made her cry, which is terrible I know!! I feel awful about this. We've put her outside the room away from him. She just doesnt learn, and often goes bragging to her dad or nana what she's done. I'm sure it doesnt help her seeing me cry about it too..

DP is going back to work tmrw, I'm dreading being on my own with them both! Please, if anyone has any advice to give, I'd really appreciate it. This is really upsetting me. Thanks

Each and every time she does it, don't react angrily or show that you are upset, just tell her in an even tone that it is not acceptable to do this and that she will go on the naughty step if she does it again. Do this at the very first sign of aggression. Then follow though. For tips on how, check out the Supernanny site. Do it every time or you might as well not bother. Some will say she is to young. I put my son on the naughty step at 14 mths and these days I usually just have to threaten it to get him to comply.
When the baby sleeps, do something nice with her, eg a story, playdo, singing, baking. She gets all of your attention, the housework can wait. When visitors come to see the baby, make sure they know in advance that they see the 2 y old and make a fuss of her first, just because she is a special person, not mentioning the baby. Then they can see the baby. Think how it must feel to have every visitor ignore you while adoing the baby.

A sticker chart for being good with the baby and a treat for ten stickers?
A Mummy-Daughter date, eg Pizza Hut, the park, with just you, even for an hour?

It shouldn't be too late, really it shouldn't. Good luck!

Thank u. Do u think being put out the room for a minute (she hates this) could work just as well as the naughty step?

A quick no, don't hit, then remover from the room. I wouldn't make her room a punishment zone. Just remove her from the situation and she can't come back until she's sorry. Ignore her.

If she keeps doing it, pick up baby and walk away. Keep doing that and hopefully she'll get the message. No anger, just firm words but minimal reaction. That's why she's doing it.

Also give her positive attention too. Cuddles, stories etc etc so she doesn't feel left out.

It's bloody hard though. I'm 6 months in and DS is great with DD now. But it's taken a long time to feel like things are settling down so please don't beat yourself up. Just survive each day!!

Absolutely. Put her away so she doesn't get attention for being naughty.
Out of the room for a couple of minutes will work.

I resorted to a playpen when dd2 started to be rougher than I liked with her baby brother - the baby went in the playpen for his own protection and she just seemed to give up trying.

Well, I'm 5 months on from where you are. I was absolutely lost when I found my angelic DD1 turning into a violent bully overnight when I brought home DD2. I posted on here at the time looking for help, found some reassurance in the strategies mentioned here, firm "no" followed by removing her from the room. I really struggled with the violence and it was the only time DD1 ever saw me cry, i just couldn't cope with the physical aggression my elder daughter exhibited towards the new baby. I got the HV involved and she advised me to put baby's safety first by keeping baby away from DD1. This resulted in me largely keeping them on separate floors of the house, separated by two stair gates! It was a far cry from the 'happy family' image I had conjured in my mind while I was pregnant with DD2.

5 months on, there are now many happier moments where the two girls are laughing together, with the elder one offering many unprovoked kisses to baby and enquiring after the baby as soon as she wakes. These moments fill me with pleasure. But the violence continues, the baby gets hit daily and I only hope that one day DD2 is given sainthood because she truly is the most forgiving, patient person I have ever seen. I guess number 2's have to be! Just today I sent DD1 out of the room 5 times for hitting baby. And I go to bed today honestly feeling this is a good day. The played well together on the whole.

Don't mean to disappoint you, but it's an honest account and perhaps some realistic preparation for what might be to come. But then, to this day I have not met another mother who witnessed this degree of hostility between her children. I think I am just coming to terms with the fact that, perhaps, this is how it might always be. But I hope not.

We're 8 months in and have had just what you describe. Things are much better now, not perfect by any means but I worry less about dc2 as she is more robust and dc1 is becoming a thoughtful big brother (when not pushing her over....). After a short period of adjustment at the start and making the rules clear (trying not to shout/get upset) we instigated immediate time outs for hitting. Where possible, if he was getting a bit too close to the baby for comfort, i would give him a warning first. We actually took ds to his room for these, which isn't recommended on mn but ds just wouldn't sit on the step so it was pointless and just resulted in more aggro. It doesn't seem to have caused him any negative feelings about his room (we have lots of fun in there too) and he is much much much better now. We very rarely have hitting now, kisses are very common. But now she is sitting he does sometimes push her over and affection, cuddles kisses etc, can sometimes get a bit rough. Generally with this I just warn him and move him away if necessary, but if hurting her seems to be intentional or if after several warnings he is still bothering her to the extent of hurting her, he will get a time out. But actually I don't think I've used it for 2 weeks or so. It was 3-4 times/day plus earlier on.

Their relationship is just starting to develop now and it is lovely, even though we are still some way from me feeling comfortable leaving them alone together. Dd is poorly today and was very unhappy this morning but gave the biggest beaming smile when her big bro came in to say good morning!

We have a 21 month gap btw.

Oh and we had the playpen (actually travel cot) in the living room for quite a while - roughly fist 6 months - I kept the play mat in there, so I could put the baby somewhere relatively safe while I did jobs etc. she did have the odd missile thrown at her but it was quite easy to spot this coming and prevent it.

I am so glad I found this thread. My DS (3.9) has been hurting my 5 month old DD recently and i don't think I have been handling the situation well. For the first 3 months or so, DS was pretty good really, just the usual over-enthusiastic cuddling, trying to pick her up etc. I did have to watch him with her but on the whole I was pretty pleased as he wasn't showing any deliberate aggression towards her, as some of my other friends had experienced when they had their second children. All my smugness has now well and truly gone!! For the last 2 months or so he has become increasingly rough with her and for the last few days has been deliberately hurting her. A couple of days ago he bit her on the hand .

I think I have been making things worse by yelling at him and making too much of a fuss about being mad with him. I have smacked his bottom a couple of times too . I am so sad that this is ruining my relationship with him. I can't relax for a moment when they are in the same room together and I feel like my DS and I have no fun together any more, all I do is yell at him. On reading this thread, I think giving him lectures about his behavior is making it worse. From now on I'll be following the advice here - firm no and remove him from the room. I really hope it works as I am not enjoying being his mummy at the moment and that makes me really sad. Reading this helps too though - realizing I am not alone!

Just to reiterate what the others have said really. My DD1 is exactly 2 yrs older than DD2. She would bite and pinch and squeeze etc. 2 yrs between DD2 and DS and we went through a similar thing with those two as well, DD2 was a sly pincher under pretense of hugs. There is absolutely no point in getting cross with the toddler (believe me, I have been there). Most important thing is to do your utmost to keep the baby safe, so I had a playpen in which I kept the play mat / bouncy chair as appropriate where I could put the baby if I had to turn my back for a moment. As others have said be firm, but brief with the toddler 'No, we don't bite' (or whatever), remove toddler and give the baby a cuddle. Ignore / withdraw attention from the toddler for a short time, even if they are screaming / angry etc, then 5 mins later do your best to act as if all is back to normal and nothing has happened. Praise any flashes of good bahaviour you spot to the skies. Do not try and force the two to interact (e.g. 'look at the baby, isn't she sweet') as that just tends to annoy the toddler. Once the baby starts smiling you might find that the toddler begins to take a more positive interest, and then once crawling starts it's all much more fun for them.

Right now DS (youngest) is 3 and going through a stage of trying to bite / hit his sisters... luckily they are quite capable of dodging him most of the time!

I am 2 years on from this - I spent 6 months of my life barely able to go to toilet til Dh got home from work - I didn't eat some days. Just over 2 year gap

Unless I was OUT going out saved my sanity - we went out every single day if we could - to places older one could run around, I could order a snack and just breathe.
If it's any consolation - they adore each other now, share a room (not out of necessity) and are often found curled up sleeping together when we go in in morning.

It will pass.