3-year-old's defiance

[CripesThisIsHard]

We had a double performance ballet marathon today - i was a parental chaperone for the little ones - and DD's behaviour towards me has been vile all day. I want to be able to blame it on the fact that (in retrospect) it was all rather too much for her to cope with - too overstimulating - but the other mums just didn't seem to be dealing with such a display of utter defiance. I wanted to cry (and very nearly did). I'd never have put her through it had I realised how hard it was going to be on the little ones. I expected it to be tailored to their needs but it just wasn't. They were expected to hang around pretty much all day from 10.30-4pm, for two five minute slots and two curtain calls. Horrendous. Never again. But the other children were nowhere near as badly-behaved or affected as my DD.

Tonight I just feel so despondent. I don't do a perfect job but i work so hard to get the balance between nurturing and discipline right. I've read all the relevant literature and I'm very conscientious about my role as a mother. Why does it always feel as if my DD is so much harder to handle than other children - so much more embarrassing to take out in public? I genuinely feel as if the other mums must be looking on and thinking that I'm a terrible parent. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't "like" my DD very much today. When we have days like this, it makes me far less inclined to do any sort of group-based activity with her or to take her out anywhere at all!

I really don't know what to do.

I think all kids have their off days or phases of defiance. It can drive you up the wall, best thing is to remain calm and neutral, kind of detached, chose your battles and be very very consistent. Also try to prevent the tantrums by keeping them entertained and having fun.

Easier said than done and it does sound like a long boring day for a 3 yr old.

I think you're probably being hard on yourself. You little one is only 3 and it sounds like it was all too much.

I know several friends refused to be part of the ballet shows as they didn't think their child would handle it. We chose a class without them but as it's soon after pre school she is actually too tired and plays up so we are stopping :-(

They do pick up on your embarrassment or being uncomfortable which can exasperate things so try to not worry what others think. Hard I know.

I always make a point of chaperoning the group my DD is not in, as she behaves better without me. Having said that ... with little ones there should be games, books, duvets ready for them.

Good point, kids to seem to play parents up more than strangers sometimes.

Sounds like a ridiculous day for little ones. I just wouldn't judge her behaviour by that and like HSMM says , kids sometimes behave better when they're not with a parent.

If she's misbehaving at other times that's almost a separate issue. If you routinely feel embarrassed when you're out with your DD you need to tackle her behaviour at home first.

That's a horrendous schedule for people who probably still get some quiet time, if not a proper nap, at some point during the day :( I'd also guess that your DD would have held it in with someone else's mum, but felt able to let you bear the brunt of her discomfort. Just goes to show that you are a great mum.

And, whenever I see a toddler playing up while mine is behaving well, I know that the tables could turn in an instant, so rarely never judge.

Oh my goodness, I'd have been bored never mind a three year old. I don't think you should beat yourself up, maybe it just goes to show what an excellent job you've done and that she normally has much more stimulating, age appropriate activities to do on the weekend. What on earth were the organisers thinking? Twats!

Thanks all for your replies. You've made me feel quite a bit better. DD doesn't routinely behave badly but she certainly has her moments - and a lot of them recently it would seem - usually when tired, hungry, brewing an illness or straight after I pick her up from nursery.

Minshu, it does feel a bit like she internalises her feelings during the day, at nursery for example, because I often bear the brunt of some very big emotions when I pick her up (despite having been told that she's been an angel all day). What's that all about? Should i worry?

121, it was a full school production so had all levels, from the very experienced to the tiny beginners. I'd assumed they'd know how to cater for the very young ones by maybe having them come in just for one performance, and then go home, but I was wrong! I think the ballet school themselves have learned a valuable lesson from the experience. It doesn't pay to put children so young through an ordeal like that.

Peatarty, sorry to hear you're stopping the ballet (with a heavy heart?). I'm not so sure it's for us either but it's hard to judge whether it's too early to tell or not. DD seems to have some musicality and the ability to move gracefully, but she's also very shy on stage and not great in big groups of - erm - prima ballerinas!

Anyway, nice to know some of you would also have found it all a bit much. Just leaves me wondering how other mums get their LOs to behave so well even when the chips are down?!

Sorry wasn't at all suggesting you stop! I really don't want to but her current class is straight after pre school and I've recently realised that her being silly in class is due to tiredness. All I meant was that I've noticed tiredness plays a part in my daughter - and certainly would have at an all day event. We might stop for a while and restart with a different school at a different time but then again I don't want to keep chopping and changing!

Ime children play their parent up worse than they would another grown up.

I used to help with a voluntary creche. The parents were asked to each do a turn (about every 10 weeks) at helping. Week after week the parent would say at the end. "Is my dc always that badly behaved? My dc was the worst behaved there..."
We could reassure them that most of the parents said that, and the child didn't step out of line for the other 9 weeks!

Peatarty, don't worry I realised you weren't suggesting that we stop altogether, although the thought had crossed my mind! We're lucky to have an early morning weekend class so DD is reasonably fresh.

DeWe, that really is reassuring! Thank you. I'd love to know more about the psychological basis for that phenomenon. I can believe it but can't understand quite why it happens.