DD (aged 5) Hitting Me

[Lidice]

Hi, I am really struggling with my DD. She seems to be fine at school - teacher has described her as spirited and drama queen, but nothing worse. At home she has massive tantrums, more & more regularly, its like a red mist descends and she lashes out really quite violently at me & DS (age 3). She hits, scratches, bites, kicks, answers back. When I punish her, it only seems to make her rage worse and she takes it out on me and my son. Today we were driving home from my parents and the fighting in the back of the car got so bad I had to stop driving and get her out to clam down. When I did this she started bashing my wing mirror with her fists. I feel completely lost what to do and am embarassed that I'm unable to stop/control the situation. I'm a single parent and they only see their dad approx 1 x p/month, he is basically not interested, so I have no back up most of the time. I feel so guilty because Ive had to stop myself hitting her back so many times. Im usually a calm person, but I just feel so helpless. Ive tried naughty step, sticker chart, taking things away like TV time, but she just says she doesnt care/not bothered. :-(

hi lidice. we went through a phase like this with our 4 year old. we worked on our behaviour and his. we make sure that we don't shout, argue, slam doors etc etc any more. obviously we never hit him.

secondly we set clear boundaries and rules together: no hitting, no kicking, no punching, no pushing, no screaming. if he does it he is put in time out, wherever we are. so if it's at home he goes into a boring room. we say clearly 'you are going into time out because you hit'. he stays in there for a minute. if he comes out and hits again he's straight back in there, and again we tell him why, but otherwise we don't engage. if we're out he gets taken somewhere else, eg if we're in a restaurant he gets taken outside or to the toilet or somewhere boring. we also watch out for overtiredness, boredom, hunger or thirst as they were often the trigger.

thirdly we made ourselves get much better at praising good behaviour. we use a pasta jar so every time he does something good (however little it is) he can put a bit of past in his jar, then when it's full he can choose a present. So today he got pasta for sitting nicely at dinner, for sharing with his sister, for saying 'excuse me', for waiting nicely while I was on the phone.

since we've been doing this we've gone from a tantrum at least once a day to none for the last week. not one. we have been very very careful to be consistent though and stick to our guns. personally i feel the praising of good behaviour has been

The first thing to do is not feel ashamed that you've had negative e emotions about your child, you havent hit her, so you're doing ok. The next thing to realise that sometimes children tantrums to release frustrations.

My dd suffered tantrums on a worrying basis so we were refered to a psychologist. Time out works to give me a chance to realise that I am getting annoyed with her behaviour but not much else, sometimes changing her surroundings work, sometimes distraction.

I think what I'm trying to say is what works one day won't the next so don't beat yourself up a.d if you're truly worried see a professional about it

P.s. sorry for any typos on phone

oops, the most effective, and it's made me re-realise what an awesome little boy we have.

and my god, don't feel guilty. kids are hard work sometimes. you care and you love your daughter and you haven't hit her, so feel good about that.

As I was typing that I knew it wasn't going to come out the way I wanted but the reality of you not hitting her being a good thing is just that. They drive us to distraction a.d when you are a single parent like you and me,all of it the woodland the bad is on our shoulders to bear a.day simple thing like tiredness can be all it takes to t
tip you over the edge. The amount of parents I see in my place of work that clip their kids is amazing....I don't think I'm expressing myself well poster above makes it clearer than me. I think all I wanted to say was not to feel bad about the negative emotions you might have and not to worry about what others might think if your dc kicks off in public