DS terrified of being alone/sleep problems

[auburnmum]

DS 7 is terrified of being alone. This means he follows me around the house even waiting outside the loo. But the worse thing is the trauma we all go through every night trying to get him to sleep. Typically, we put him to bed calmly after a bath, story, lullabies at about 8. He comes down repeatedly during the evening saying he has a tummy ache/he's scared/he can hear noises (anything). I give him a hug and send him back.By about 10.30 he's really distressed so in desperation I let him fall asleep on sofa. When I go to bed I put him back in his bed. By morning he is asleep on the floor by my bed. Sometimes DD 9 takes pity and lets him sleep in her room where he sleeps fine, but she says he disturbs her. Any ideas? Please help!

Have you asked him why he's so afraid?

He says it can be anything. He starts thinking about bad things that could happen to us, or that the smoke alarm could go off, or that there are 'light bugs in the room' but mainly that if he can't see or hear us he thinks that we might have left the house. Obviously we have told him that we would NEVER do that.

Poor thing. Could you move his mattress into your room for a while, to reassure him? It sounds like genuine anxiety rather than attention seeking so I think you might just have to ride it out and hope it improves.

Read up on separation anxiety and what parents can do to help it - might help. If it carries on or becomes more severe you can talk to your GP who can suggest sources of help.

my ds is like this. he is only just 4 though and has speech problems so can only say he has nightmares and doesn't like being alone.

we take turns sleeping in the same bed as him so if he wakes in the night he can reach out and feel there is someone there.

we are hoping he will grow out of it soon.

Why not just stay with him until he falls asleep for a while, until he's feeling more confident? I don't think it's necessarily a "rod for your own back", if you are worried about that aspect of it, as they they then seem to go on to a more independent phase. DD (6) goes through phases of this and it has really challenged my sense of empathy, trying to find ways to really acknowledge her fear and find ways of helping her to think about big emotional issues.

Thank you so much for these common sense messages. Some of these ideas are so obvious (like letting him sleep in our room for a while or staying with him until he falls asleep) but Supernanny and the like have scared me off doing this sort of thing. I will re-think! Thank you selks for the suggestion to read up on separation anxiety. Will do. :)

As a child, I was terrified of being alone. I also used to follow my dad to the loo, and wait by the door, firing questions at him to make sure he's still there. It was genuine anxiety, maybe explained by my parents' divorce (no proper explanation of it, it was not the done thing those days), maybe by me being a very sensitive child. I used to go into my mum's room every night and wait until she was awake.

Please don't worry about rods. What cured my anxiety was my dad buying a quilt cover with some cartoon characters on it, and telling me they would look after me every night. It worked. I was a bit younger though, so I'm not sure this would work at 7. But I just wanted to reassure you that as soon as my fear was gone, I slept much better and started loving my room. So don't be afraid to just respond to your DS' anxiety, talk about it, maybe find a book about it, make him talk about the "bad thoughts". Would an audio book help, maybe if he wakes up and he can hear the voices he wouldn't be so afraid?

Good luck, I hope you sort this out soon.

Forget Supernanny. Her methods are questionable and are not designed for a child who is frightened.

We have been through years of this with both of our girls.

A two way baby monitor helps us so that DD2 can talk to us from bed and we can reassure he without going to her.

Audiobooks also help because they can fall asleep with their brain occupied by the book rather than the fears in their heads.

Another thing that has helped us is relaxation techniques. What DD2's psychologist called diaphramatic breathing helps calm her down at bedtime but I have to talk her through it to help her concentrate. It is basically lying with your hands on your tummy concentrating in moving them up and down with your tummy as you breath deeply and slowly.

A weighted blanket sometimes helps her to feel safe in bed so perhaps you could try something similarly heavy to help him feel more relaxed. This might be good in combination with the relaxation techniques.

We now have our dog sleeping in the corner of her room because his presence is reassuring.

Also with some support from a another lovely mumsnetter we have recently improved her ability to be in her own bed by talking her through how there is a limit to how scared you can get and asking her to choose a method of gradually increasing her time in her own bed alongside some small rewards for achieving it. We are making steady progress with this.

Above all stay calm and supportive all the time no matter how frustrating it is. I have had times when I've lost it and been cross and this has made matters much worse every time.