Oblivious friends - tactful methods needed!

[imonlydancing]

My DS is 18mo and my friends DD is 2.5

We often go out together or go to their house and have coffee while the kids play together. His DD is sometimes bossy, isn't really used to sharing and doesn't really come in to contact with many other children but she is sweet and very good with adults. She is at nursery one morning a week. So often she will say things to my DS like "No! Don't touch that" or "It's my puzzle, give it back!" or "DS is being naughty" when all he's doing is standing next to the table with her. Where I can, I say to both of them "We are all sharing, aren't we, we can all play" or "He's not being naughty, he wants to play with you"

DFriend is completely oblivious. He either doesn't hear her or does and ignores it and continues chatting to me. I think he doesn't notice because sometimes she goes through my bag looking for my sons lunch box and he only says something when I notice and say something first.

What do you do with a friend like this?

nothing. If there's something that needs dealing with, like her going through your bag, then bring it to their attention, otherwise let them be, she sounds like quite a normal 2.5 year old, they all go through these phases.

I certainly don't think its not normal behaviour. I just feel sometimes her Dad should be the one to notice. Not me. It might seem I'm undermining him.

She goes through my bag every time. I've told him every time. I put the bag up high, she gets a chair, he doesn't notice. He is truly oblivious.

I have a similar friend. I have started telling her mum straight because its not fair if only one child is being made to share and the other gets away with snatching. Don't talk to the child, tell your friend what she just did and that way it wont seem undermining.

I do try, like with the bag thing but he still doesn't notice it. That's why I think he's oblivious because he's been told. I pack extra snacks for her now so we are not left without! ;-)

well then I think you just have to accept thats how they are tbh!
If the friendship means enough to you to put up with it, then do, and carry on taking extra snacks etc, if not then slowly stop seeing them so much.
Once your DS is a bit older the dynamic between the children will even out and you'll be able to leave them to it more I guess.

I think sharing is an unfair strategy. If an adult was reading a book would another adult go up and expect to share it right away?

The daycare all my dc have been through has other strategies, like asking a child to explain they are using something and can pass it on afterwards. Also if something is special to an individual they wouldn't have to share it at all. Its a good approach.

If you are good friends then just tell the child off when she does something that you find unacceptable. It's your bag you have every right to say a firm no, and if she takes something you have every right to remove it too. So long as you aren't mean or aggressive to the child I can't really see the problem.

Small children often find playing together very difficult, it's mostly playing side by side at that sort of age so this sort of little spat will happen. If your ds isn't getting upset by it I'd just leave them be (but then I am probably like your friend somewhat laid back about this sort of thing)

yes, sharing is not always the right thing, and likr nooka says if there's no upset from the children the I don't intervene.
If no one's crying I steer clear and drink my tea.

She will often sprint across the room to stop him picking up a toy she had no interest in and tell him "No! That's mine!" DS just ends up looking a bit heartbroken at not being allowed to play with anything.

annoyingly this is pretty normal behaviour for a 2 and a half year old, yours will probably have the same 'mine!' phase at that age, BUT having said that the parent should still be saying "no, don't snatch" or "thats to share" etc etc as the more you say it the quicker it sinks in and the phase passes...

Sounds absolutely normal for 2.5. Children struggle with sharing all the way through pre-school and even my 4 year old and his friends think of "fairness" as a strategic thing to be invoked in their own favour, not a universal concept that applies to everyone. Also, children seem to have a built in sense of hierarchy and love bossing younger children/telling them what the rules are - it's part of exploring the social world and making sense of the whole concept of rules and allowed/disallowed behaviour (I was v. amused on DS's first school visit to see his older friend, who is currently in reception, showing him round and solemnly telling him off for riding a trike in the running-around half of the play ground). Honestly, when your child is old enough to have the verbal ability to do it, he'll want to boss younger children around too.

Your job as the adult is to intervene, gently - "you would't like it if X told you what to do/snatched toys/whatever" - and if the friendship with the other child's parent is any good, you should be able to do this (fairly and even-handedly) to both children, but also allow a bit of slack in the system for the children to explore their new social world.

What Brighton said, very normal bossiness, and it gets worse around 3.5yo!!
I guess i would have to limit contact if the parents didn't see it was an obvious thing to temper, I don't see how you can tactfully make them realise.

Very normal behaviour, and sometimes ignoring is the way forward. I would go for the praise on this sort of thing. If she says "he's being naughty" don't resond to her, but praise him for being "good" at something. If she says "that's mine" (assuming it is) then you say to her "yes it is, but you're a really kind big girl letting him play too". That's often better than saying "share" because as one of mine said at about 2yo "share is when I want to play with someone elses things".

Taking turns is more appropriate I think, as they are not actually playing together at this age (like you would see older children involved in a make believe world that they both control).

So if she is playing with x then what can your ds play with? If she says Nothing! then both adults need to tackle the situation imo. If she wants something he has, she has to wait til he's finished or offer him something to swop. Its not fun but its part of parenting, teaching them social skills and I don't think it should just be your responsibility.

Do they come over to your house where the toys are all yours?

They don't come over to our house because they are a bit rubbish at getting out of the house at a reasonable time. I do give him something else to play with or try to ask her to give him a turn when shes finished btw, I don't just say SHARE and leave it at that. She will take whatever alternative toy I give him off him and say No, he cant have that. Again, when her dad is sitting right there with glazed eyes, it can get difficult.

I'm not saying her behaviour isn't normal either, my comments are on her dads behaviour when she is being a bit selfish.

What about asking the DD to choose something for your DS to play with? Rather than 'what can he play with' how about 'can you help him choose a toy?'

Ds1 was quite territorial at that age with his toys- if play dates were too stressful I would just meet at soft play or the park. I did find, however, that his behaviour was always lots better at other houses.

Why don't you take a bag of ds's toys with you when you visit? See if that helps.

Your friend does sound irritating, and it's not fun parenting other people's children.

A child's behaviour rarely bothers me as long as the parent deals with it!