How to deal with lying?

[chickennuggets]

Recently the teacher has noticed that DS has been lying about a few things and when questioned he says I don't know or I forgot or it wasn't me type answer. At home he has been quick to deny any involvement in any incident that flares up between him and DS2. The teachers and I have a reminded him to tell the truth and be honest.

Last week I left a battery out on the side and 10mins later it went missing. DS said he didn't take it and didn't know here it was, as we were about to go to school I had to leave the conversation with if you find it then please return it.

He has a special box in his room so while he was in the bath tonight I looked in it and found the said battery, I'm fuming. I didn't say anything to him about it and I didn't want to upset him before bed. I'm really upset that he has lied to me despite us talking about the importance of not lying.

I don't know who to get through to him, fed up. What would you do?

How old is the child?

Firstly you must know that most children will try out lying at some point. I know it's awful though.

Secondly, they say lying is a sign of intelligence! Shows developmental cognitive thinking or something.

With mine I have always told them the story of the boy who cried wolf but that doesn't always sink in quickly.

Also ask yourself why son is lying? Try not to be cross if he tells you something. Thank him for owning up to anything even if it is naughty. Openly value honesty.

If you know for a fact he has taken something and is lying, then you could always set a timer for 10 mins, tell son you expect battery to be returned to original location by time alarm goes off and the use time out or reflection time or some other punishment. Be matter of fact. You lied and this is the punishment.

How old is he chicken? My DS is 7 and lies sometimes, my DD is 5 and does (but less - feels too guilty). How old he is/mature etc is how deep you can go with this imo.

DS said the other day he had to lie as he didn't want to get told off. I told him that of course he would get told off if he lied - that was worse than the first thing he did.
I said (and keep saying to them both) that it is more important they tell the truth - as if they lie, I don't know what is true or false. I say that it hurts my heart when they lie to me as I can't trust them (and I've also asked in the past if I've been too hard on them over issues which may be leading to repeating lying in order to not get told off. He said something about me shouting - which I'm trying to change now as I should be setting the example - not losing my cool!)
My aim is that the top priority be to keep a close relationship (as opposed to the priority being 'being obeyed'/good behaviour). The idea is that when they're absent from me they make decisions based on how it will affect our relationship rather than can they get away with it. There's no point having a child who knows how to behave but as soon as your back is turned is a different person.

This is twinned with the idea of getting kids to experience consequences to their behaviour (not punishment as such, but an understanding that certain behaviour is not acceptable as it affects relationships) so in our house might involve time out on the thinking chair (where they must come up with why what they did was bad, and how they're not going to do it again - if they can't come up with anything we problem solve together rather than me tell them how to think)

All that being said, kids can be naughty, but imo, have a couple of levels of 'consequences' to the problem. Eg. stealing might incur timeout (and restitution) but lying about the stealing incurs double timeout or timeout plus horrid chore?? Hopefully the message received is one that honesty is the best policy.
It goes without saying that this only works if we never lie too - that means always keeping our word no matter what. Also not getting worked up about the original problem - but you sound v self-controlled there. If we can demonstrate restraint and respect with our children, they can model it too, but we can't expect them to do anything we can't do ourselves.

By the way I'm preaching to myself here too- I know I've not made it, but I've left! (since using these principles, things have changed so much in our house). I wish my mum had vocalised more how my behaviour as a child made her feel sad - I'd have been devastated! I just thought she liked telling me off!

Hope you don't mind the long response - I don't know how to be brief v well! :)

ooh holyfishnets - I like your succinct post! v good :)

Thanks for your replies, lots of good ideas to try out. DH and I had a chat with DS who's 6 at wkend and reinforced he must tell the truth always. We said no computer time as his he'd been lying at school. He seemed gutted but accepted that was his puishment. We decided not to mention the whole battery thing and start with a clean slate as he enough to deal with. Have dealt with situation for now!