How would you deal with your 6 year old if they had done something really naughty at school?

[ceebeegeebies]

I don't want to go into details of what he did as it might out me but basically it was very naughty - school have dealt with it in terms of missed playtimes for the rest of the week.

I am not sure what I should be doing at home - me and DH have spoken to him about what he did was wrong, how disappointed we are in him and told him he can't watch any football Thurs and Fri night (he has been watching the first half of every match since the Euros started). We have also told him he will not be playing on the laptop or Wii for 2 days. Is this enough?

Background is that he is not often deliberately this naughty so it is a bit out of the blue - he does the general low-level boy stuff and every so often (maybe once a year) will do something really naughty.

Also, he is not quite 6 yet but will be very shortly.

I would talk to him about it as much as possible, as unemotionally as possible. My aim would be to get at what was going on in his head when he did it.

My ds once kicked and broke something in school, and it genuinely appears to have been a moment of madness. He felt really embarrassed about it, and couldn't say why, except that an impulse came upon him.

He may be feeling awful about it himself. My ds was.

I think the punishment should really depend on what he did and how naughty it was tbh.

If you feel that the sanctions at home and school are sufficient then that's fine - i appreciate it's difficult to get the balance right, especially as he's only five. It's hard to make further comment without knowing what actually happened really.

Is it as bad as this...my DD went through a 'theiving' phase. A few bits and pieces from school, brownies etc. Stern talking to's didn't work.

We grounded her for a week. No TV, no friends over, nothing. Just home from school, homework, playing, bed.
It worked. She hasn't theived since.
Personally, I think that if it's bad enough for the school to give out that punishment, two days might be a good length of time as a punishment, and I'd cut everything fun totally, like you've suggested. Personally, I found a week was the best length of time as it REALLY DRAGGED for her and reinforced how naughty she'd been. But as it's the world cup, that might be a little harsh right now...
Good luck.

I'd just leave it at that, to be honest. The school will have dealt with it according to the severity of the behaviour. He's just a little boy.

Well school have punished him you have verbally supported the school in that plus given him more punishment. presumably for low-leve naughtiness at school he doesn't get punished at home? If so I think you've approached it in the correct manor.

Thanks for the responses

Yes the school have a behavioural system in place - kind of like a traffic-light system where they move from green to amber and to red but some things send them straight to red if they are serious enough. Ds1 has moved to amber maybe 5 times this year so not a significant amount of times and the teacher does move them to amber for very minor offences - generally we don't take any further action at home, mainly because school don't tell the parents for the low-level stuff. Obviously today, he went straight to red and got called to see the headteacher and then the teacher has to tell you.

Traffichalter yes I think he may be embarrassed - he can't tell us why he did it although his usual response is that his brain told him to which I guess is his way of explaining an impulse (iyswim).

1950s no, it is not as bad as 'thieving' - glad your DD got over it.

I think what I am struggling with is the fact that it feels wrong to go back to being 'friends' with him as I need him to understand what he did was wrong but obviously I know that I can't keep being mad at him - where do you strike the balance of moving from 'mad parent' to 'loving parent' with lots of cuddles and fun like we usually do?

Also, he has been sulking since I picked him up from school and despite me telling him that he needs to show me and DH that he knows what he did was wrong and be the most helpful, well-behaved boy he can be, it has been a struggle to get him to do anything tonight (more threats of losing Saturday night's football etc) as he has been like a hormonal teenager with a lot of 'no's' thrown in - is this just embarrassment aswell?

I think you are handling it well. Just tell him what the punishment is (2 days as you said - I think you should reinforce the punishment at home, if there's no playtime at school till the end of the week I would shadow that at home), don't say too much more about it (let him have a bit of respite from guilt and blame and also allow him to feel 'hard done by' for a bit) and follow through on your punishment.
Good luck! As said, a week of 'grounding' worked magic for us, I think 2 days is fair.

It helped my ds that we all said it wasn't like him to do such a thing.

He was baffled about why he'd done it.

What your ds said sounds just like what mine said. His brain told him to.

He has to take the consequences, but don't be mean to him.

Mine is now a ridiculously highly principled teenager, so don't worry! He wouldn't lie or cheat to save his life.

ceebeegeebies

I think you have done the right thing - I am a primary school teacher, I love it when parents back up the school policy and the children tend to learn really quickly from mistakes when parents and school work together. You wouldn't believe the very naughty behaviour that gets laughed off by parents, or the complaints to school about children missing playtimes etc. after being violent towards others. I have even heard parents telling their children to ignore the teachers!
I would say that if it is unusual for your child, you don't need to be too harsh and it is fine to go straight back to being friends - I do this with my class, as I don't want any of them to end up with a guilt complex! Once it is clear that they understand what they did wrong, have apologised and know what sanctions are in place, I act as normal with them and move on. If they behave well, I praise them so that they know there are plenty of ways to redeem themselves! It seems to work for most children.

Quicksie thank you for your advice and insight - it is really appreciated.

I am just struggling to get an apology at the moment - am hoping he may wake up tomorrow and actually be repentant and not be the awkward, stroppy, stubborn boy I bought home from school this afternoon

Since my 6yr started nursery and school he had/has tendencies to spit, hit, push, bite, kick etc. If you met my son like others he is so adorable and loving. He goes to nurture group at school also now. Initially when school told me he was being silly at playtimes and would play along side kids I didnt believe them as when at home usually he is so loving and adorable but I think he has got worse. It doesnt help when his 12yr old twin brothers torment him and swear and fight as they started high school this time and they have been more than a handful growing up and are extremely immature.When my son is with a large group of people he seems to go in crazy mode. If someone says "I wont be your friend" it hurts him so he physically hurts them. He used to go swimming and was painful to watch as he hit a boy once and would just do his own thing. The instructor would constantly be shouting at him. If he is one to one with a friend he mostly is so good then when others come along nobody wants to know him. He also does another sport and he will be sat one the floor or be annoying someone or not listening its so painful to watch. I know he isnt mature enough to fully understand but the other kids dont. He used to say my brain tells me to do it and I dont know why I have done it. He saw someone through school last year and got tested too but they said he was fine. I cant stress what a wonderful child he is an its so awful whenhis understanding of life is letting him down, I promised treats etc if he behaved tonight which he agreed and it didnt work out.

I would be inclined to do nothing if the school have already dealt with it

We always split behaviour and being friends out. So DC will be naughty and they will quite rightly get punished for it but they will always be told it is their behaviour that we don't like and that we still love them. So they can still have a cuddle whilst on punishment (if its a several days not doing something punishment) and we will still be their friends but we make comments like "you can come have a cuddle as long as you leave you naughty behaviour over there"

I would back school up with the punishment at school but would never impose extra punishment at home as you can only be punished once, its a rule in our house. If school have talked to him, punished him then you tell him you are disappointed in his behaviour then leave it at that. Criminals don't get sent to jail twice for the same crime is what my eldest pointed out to me last year, she was caught lying at school, when we tried to punish her at home as well as the punishment she had already received at school

Without knowing what it was, I would probably not "punish" him if the school had disciplined him. I'd try to talk about why it happened to make sure it didn't happen again.

Thank you again.

Funnily enough, I have just been talking about it to a friend who as a DS the same age and she thought I might have been harsh with the punishment at home aswell - but fully appreciates that once you have said something, you have to follow it through so I am stuck with the 'no football' punishment unless anyone can think of a way to back down without backing down iyswim?

When we have issues at school we back up the school with a discussion of what happened and that we are disappointed - if its severe then a few days without any computers. We then move on.

The school always say that he has been punished at school so no need to continue punishment as such. When the discussions over we just move on and go back to normal.

ceebeegeebies I wouldn't back out of the punishment now, it's only for two days. However, I would treat him nicely and normally at home, and make sure he knows he's loved. He's little and he's had a horrid shock, with everyone cross at him, and if he is a good boy normally who doesn't get into trouble much then this will be quite bad for him (which is why he's putting on a front I guess, my eldest would do exactly that and maintain she didn't care, when really she was gutted).

But, I would try to limit the punishment to school punishment if the incident is at school, unless there's a reason why he shouldn't attend a birthday party that weekend (e.g. hitting out).

He's five years old, and they do do things like hurt others or take stuff sometimes. Hopefully your action will nip it in the bud and show him the right path.

DD (6) has just had her first visit to the headmistress this week for biting a Y4 girl (FFS!). In terms of punishment, I left it with the school and did no more than talk to her about how disappointed I was and how she knows it is wrong and to think about how she would like people to behave towards her/how she would feel as the victim.

In most cases I think it is fair to leave school things at school and let the teaching staff deal with it IYSWIM. Obviously I would work at sorting the behaviour out though.

I do think there is no harm in backing out of a punishment if, on reflection, you genuinely feel it is too harsh. However, if I were doing it it would be more a case of rewarding him for behaving well after the incident so he has "earned" back whatever you took away.

Can you get him to reflect on what he can do to make things right?