2 yr old terrible tea times leading to major disagreement

[bluesmile10]

My 2 yo ds has recently become more and more picky over his tea time, refusing to eat lots of things without even trying it!!!! Tonight he has point blank refused a roast, bare a mouthful on his Tongue which he promptly spat out!!
My partner's reaction was to get really cross, threaten ds with going to bed if he didn't eat it and then following that threat thru putting ds in his bed, hysterical by this time!!!!! I really don't agree with his approach as I think this makes tea time into a big thing - I just offered meal again saying there would be nothing else if he didn't eat his tea! Ds said no and is now playing on the floor having not eaten a thing!!!!

Am I right to disagree or should I have followed his approach? And what do I do to change ds's eating - he's always been picky refusing to try things, won't eat fruit and would probably live on fishcake and spaghetti hoops given the chance!!!!!!

Never fight over food. If the child is hungry, he'll eat it.

Sending to bed that way is cruel.

Thanks that's what I thought! As we speak ds is in living room with me and dp is upstairs in a strop because I didn't agree with him!!!

I wouldn't about it, its probably just a phase and each & every one of my dcs has been through it.
If dcs are hungry they will eat , if they are not they won't.
2 is quite young to be banished to bed tbh, very cruel and child would be too young to understand

worry

I've had this with my DS (2.8) who is a very fussy eater. Teatimes really became a battleground. So now I give him his "main meal", ie a hot tea, at lunchtime and then a healthy snack or two later. It works much better and I'm always reassured that he's had something substantial during the day. One thing you need to agree on between you and your partner is the same strategy though, no matter what it is. If my DS hasn't eaten at all I will offer a piece of fruit or some toast but only after a while so he doesn't go to bed hungry, not as an "alternative" to tea.

Thanks, I think I might try moving his main meal. He goes to nursery for 2 days and they have their main meal at lunchtime, (although he's hardly eaten there for past 2 weeks!!!)

My oldest is really fussy, now aged 9. All the younger ones are better eaters. A good thing to try is what the French do. Have a starter of veggies ready while you get the main course done. Just a few raw or cooked carrots/peas etc. Explain that you will move on to main course when at least something is tried. Stand back and ignore..... rather than continuing to encourage, as this is rewarding the attention seeking behaviour.

Hi, offering you sympathy as am going through the same. I found moving main meal to liunchtime helped as DD (2.8) is often too tired by evening. She is horribly fussy but will eat fishfingers, so we give these at lunch and then offer her the same meal as we have in the evening. Often she will have none, but i'm reassured cos she will have had something at lunch. Paediatric advice is to ignore, feed them what they willl eat - even if it is only toast, and keep offering new stuff too. Tell your DP that it really is not recommended that you make a fuss over food as it can set them up for eating disorders later. It is usually just a phase. Easieer said than done though, I get really stressed and angry when i see food rejected - but i don't show it (or try not to). Good luck.

Thank u, Its so nice to get reassurance as it sometimes like it's just ur little one and makes me question myself so much at times! Will definitely be trying those ideas

My toddler got really bad when he was getting 2nd molars; around 26 months. Has he got all his?

You are right; lots of emotion and they think 'Ooo! That was a good trick!'. I'm sure you don't me to tell you that.

If DS is in a mood and I ignore him and read him a book (often done at tea time), he starts picking at his food in a distracted sort of way; then if it's nice he'll often tuck in.

Both my kids have refused to eat at tea times, and the oldest went through a spell of not eating lunches (but not at the same time as not eating her teas). Breakfasts are always a bit hit or miss.

I give them the meal, and don't give them anything else other than
breakfast (toast/cereal)
morning snack (fruit)
lunch (normally pasta/fishfingers/sandwiches type stuff, followed by fruit, followed by crisps or biscuits)
tea - proper cooked square meal followed by fruit, possibly followed by a yoghurt
bedtime milk

If they don't eat one course - or at least have a good go (for example, if they eat all of a meal, but only have a taste of spinach etc) then they don't get to the fruit etc stages (they love fruit more than anything else including sweets). I don't make them eat anything, but I never ever offer alternatives. This can lead to DD2 in particular going to bed not having eaten much tea, but then she still has her milk, and I will give seconds of that.

I don't think that approach is unreasonable, and they are both pretty good eaters. The suggestion to move tea to an earlier hour if you think your son is tired at teatime is sensible though.

Having said all that though, I don't think you should be undermining your DP. He had made a threat and followed it through, and you went against that decision. I know that you can't do anything about that now, but I think you both need to have a chat and decide how you will manage your differing parenting styles on future occassions.

We do the same as Kitty

Main meal at lunch time when they're not so tired/grumpy. Offer food you know he likes with tiny portions of other foods. Put it in front of him and leave him to it. Give him 20mins or so then take plate away and offer fruit/yoghurt.

We do something like this

Breakfast: porridge/wheatabix with fruit & yoghurt.
10am: Small snack, peanut butter on Rice cake or similar.
12/12.30pm: Main meal. Today we're having Toad in the hole with mash & veg. Followed by fruit.
2.30/3pm: snack, h/m baked vegetable chips and dip.
4.30pm dinner: something small. Sandwiches/toasties/omelettes etc

This way, even if they don't eat dinner I know they've had a decent amount of food anyway.

At 6pm when DP & I sit down to eat the dc will join us at table and have some toast, Yoghurt or some pudding if I've made any. This means even if they haven't eaten any dinner, they have another chance to eat before bed but it's long enough after dinner for them not to think they get nice things even if they don't eat. It also gives us all a chance to sit down together with DP being at work all day.

Refusing food makes parents really freak out. I remember when my DS1 was about 2 and did not want to eat, I felt like going out of my mind. But I have learned it is completely pointless and will not get you anywhere. Your partner's approach will only make things worse, and I have to disagree, parents CAN sometimes not form a united front. Ideally, of course, he would see that this kind of punitive parenting will bring no solutions - only makes teatime a war zone and your little personality, unless crushed, will feel resentful towards food and daddy. I am guessing your DP does not want to crush him to get him to eat his roast?

The question is also, what is the underlying reason that you want him to eat, and eat in a particular way time etc. Is it something that you feel he must learn now because otherwise in-laws and friends will be horrified? or because you feel insulted as a cook when he does not? or do you, like most parents, fear, deep down, that not eating will affect his health? The first two reasons, although somewhat understandable, are not that great a reason for forcing a child to eat. He is more likely to act badly if he has been pressurised. THe third reason is more understandable but may also be fairly unfounded. I can tell from my own experience: my DS1 was very, very picky eater, I was a very very fussy mum regarding his attitude to food, and I always blamed myself and his eating tendencies that he is a rather short child (forgetting the height of myself and my DH... :) ) NOw my DS2 was a good eater and gained weight rapidly. I was certain he would be taller due to his "much better eating habits". Surprise, surprise: at the age of two he is exactly the same height as my DS1.

I'd suggest to check out baby-led weaning. It applies to older children as well, and its central message is: if you let them choose (contrary to a poster saying she never gives choice) between healthy alternatives, they will get what they need more or less instinctively. I leave food for my 2 year old in a small bowl by a chair near the table and he comes and picks whatever he fancies and then runs back to more interesting things. Overall, his behaviour at the table (e.g at restaurants) is much better than the 5 year old's who saw an angry mummy at the table more often than I want to remember...

And learning to be polite about food they dislike will come much, much later anyway...

Thank you MayaMama - I hadn't realised that baby led weaning could still be used for older ones. Can u recommend any good books?? My reason is really the worry over ds's health - although I do feel pressured by dp attitude towards his eating - he doesn't like ds to play with his food or anything!!!

In my defence ThisIsMummyPig, I didn't undermine dp at all. I remained quiet while dp threatened, took ds to his bed and then brought him back down again few minutes later. Dp just knew from my silence and my face that I didn't agree!

Sorry, I do not know a specific book. Books by William and Martha Sears contain some general advice regarding relaxed eating. You see, baby-led weaning is more an overall approach than simply cookery advice, its basic assumption is that growing bodies know best when and what to eat or not. THis answer might provide you with a bit more: www.awareparenting.com/answer17.htm

I know a young woman who has fussed over her daugther's eating since she was tiny. She has solved her own misguided idea about her daughter's lack of appetite by feeding her whilst they watch youtube videos and as soon as she stops chewing mummy will stop the video. The child is nearly three now and approaches obesity very fast. THe message is -- if we override our childrens' bodies ability to want or not want food, we will harm them. No child will feed only on chocolate, believe me, and even if they might eat chips for a whole week if allowed, the next week they will no longer desire it or look for additional sources. My younger one has always had easy access to sweets and is increasingly uninterested. My older I tried to control in this sense, and he would gobble up much more sweets. Of course, stressful life might drive a child towards sweets and easy carbs so it works on children whose parents know how to lessen stress rather than increase it by making mealtimes a warzone... :(

I think you might benefit from reading a book by Aletha Solter "Helping young children flourish" (it contains advice on eating as well). I do not know whether your husband will be won over, men are generally not that willing to take on board any particular parenting approach, but it might help you. I do wonder where your DP has got that anxious response to eating though, it often lies in our own childhood. I had an aunt who looked after me often and made mealtimes torturous so I know where my anxieties come from. Torturous is what this will be for your son unless your DP revises his reactions. You might want to ask him how he thinks punishing helps (apart from letting him fuse his anger?). Does he think your son will learn daddy gets angry if i do not eat nicely? Even 5 year olds do not really understand such complex social expectations on eating...

I also wonder about that taking to bed as a punishment thing -- what does that tell your child? Very problematic parenting, I fear. I'm sorry to sound judgemental but no parenting book will welcome this approach. I do wish you will find your peace at mealtimes, but it only comes if you can both relax about eating.

Good luck,
M

Thank you Mayamama, read ur post with great interest. Will definitely be looking at that book. Dp has learnt a little lesson methinks on the next occasion he tried to feed ds his breakfast, ds was extremely reluctant and this seemed to hit home!! Thanks again ! X

We have great eaters in our house. We cook one main family meal which is 9 out of 10 times a proper meal (curry, salmon with veg, casserole, salad and lasagne etc) and that's all there is. It's put in front of my boys and then we pass no other comments about the food at all and just chat about the day. There are no alternatives and they are allowed to eat or leave the food. Mostly they like the food I cook though but they do go through spates of trying to be picky.

I agree with your partner - sorry! DS2 starting playing up terrible so we took the approach and showing our anger. What I cant agree with is the above - show them a pudding and they will scoff it down so totally disagree that they are not hungry. If not hungry why? eating snacks???

We would remove him from the table and pop in cot and eventually he would eat it after a short while we had no problems and definately knows that no food no pudding.

I find certain children enjoy the challenge and once they know how to play you then your giving in and they are in control. IMO leads to fussy awkward children with poor table manners. In our house one meal no option, no messing, no alternative eating.

There is nothing wrong with discipline at the table and nipping problems in the bud short and sharp solves the problem.

i would have done the same as you, stay calm, let him eat, but if not he can get down but dinner is done, nothing else offered and if that means going go bed hungry so be it.

but no drama, no fuss, just here is dinner, eat it or leave it approach.

and at 2 he is very little to get the punishment of being sent to bed for not eating his dinner, if my elder children ie ds2 and ds3 who are 7 and 9 mess about about the dinner table and dont stop after a warning they will be sent to bed but they are old enough to understand, 2 is not.

at this age you ignore the bad behaviour, encourage him to sit nicely and eat but if he doesnt you just ignore/remove him from the table and continue eating yourself, there is no point at all making a big drama about it, if he is hungry he will eat.

holyfish we are the same, sit and chat etc, and just get on with eating, the kids either eat or they dont, more often than not they do, but yes they have gone to bed hungry but that is their choice. i cant be bothered with cajouling and bribing children to eat, the food is there, there choice is theirs to eat. bad behaviour at the table wont be tolderated, they will be warned and then made to leave the table until they are going to come back and eat nicely, if they dont then that is the end of the meal, but i dont make a big drama or fuss about it.