1 year old - isolated?

[weeonion]

hi folks!

I would really appreciate any advice / opinions you can give me on this.

I have a sis in law who has dd of 1 year old. 1 week ago they moved very close to where we live (they used to be at the opposite end of the country) so we didnt really spend time with them up until now . I am kinda close to her and she has said she thinks of me as her big sis (i dont!).

I know we all parent in different ways and use different approaches etc. I know that i am probably sticking my nose in - hence wanting to check it out here.

just 4 weeks after her dd was born, sis in laws mum died v suddenly. She was gutted obviously but from then on seemed to decide that her baby could not be around tension, emotion or stress. This also extended to the baby not being allowed to be stressed or upset itself.

i knew from visiting her on a couple of occasions before xmas that sis in law was quite insular. She had no experience with kids before her dd was born (neither of the couple had ever held a baby any younger than about 6months old) so it has been a big change. She has never went to meet any mums / join mother baby groups etc. She doesnt mix with other families with kids and doesnt want to meet / get to know any. None of their friends have kids but they havent seen them in a long time anyhow - since her dd was born.

Sis in law spends up to 6 hours through the day in their room with her dd - lying with her, feeding her, talking to her etc. This They have co-slept since birth. Her dh has not been allowed to share "their" room as he might make noise and disturb her dd. he said he does mind but thought that most other couples did this too. sis in law says she sees no reason for this sleeping / bedroom arrangement to change.

her dd doesnt like the buggy so they dont go out with the buggy for any longer than 30 mins. her dd doesnt like a sling - so they cant really travel / get about. her dd doesnt like buses or train doors opening so they have pulled back on public travel. they dont go out for family meals / lunches as her dd doesnt like a high chair. They dont tend to invite people to visit as her dd cries when she meets new people. they do online shopping as her dd doesnt like shopping.

her dd has NEVER played / interacted with another child (apart from 3 times with my dd who is 5 )- there just hasnt been an occasion to as she is only ever in her own house or out for a VERY short period of time. we have invited them to come and visit us but they are unable to as her dd can only nap in her mums bed, in her mums arms so the "windows of opportunity" are too short to make the 10 minute drive. we are welcome there and did visit last weekend but didnt actually see sis in law nor dd as they spent the 3 hrs snuggling in their room, as they do every afternoon

i have just found that her dd sat on her lap, not in a car seat and with no seat belt on either of them on their long journey to move houses. This was a drive of 12 hours - quite literally from one end of the country to the other. In torrential rain and storms. This was because her dd doesnt like car seats.

when she told me - i couldnt keep a poker face. I was shocked and really surprised but didnt say anything at that stage.

i think this is unhealthy for her dd and not good for sis in law. I am struggling not to open my gobby mouth and say that i think there is something more going on here as i know that risks our relationship.

what do you think??

Thanks for posting this. In some ways, this sounds like me. Your post gave me a bit of a jolt. Similar situation. My first daughter passed away shortly after birth. Had ds (14 months old) 2 years after she died. Thought I was doing fine but i realise i have been isolating myself more and more. I have lost so much confidence and group situations make me feel nervous because i hate being asked how many children i have. I do take ds out and he is a bright and confident boy and does not get nervous around groups of people. Your post made me realise that i need help.

I can totally sympathise with your sil. Combination of anxiety caused by grief and probably her personality. I have always been insular but now it is at an extreme. I wish a hv had checked up on me. For her sake, find some way of getting through to her. You sound like a lovely and caring person and I hope that she finds a way to open up and accept what is happening.

I think it is a little surprising that a 15mo will accept staying in quiet, darkened rooms cuddling for hours. That would have made my DS very distressed as he was literally into everything at that age. Actually at no point in his life would he have accepted that for long, although he did love to lie and gaze at me as a newborn. Certainly by 15mo he would just have escaped and gone to try to climb the nearest chest of drawers or whatever.

I would be a little worried about how the hours of inactivity are affecting the DDs cognitive development if it really is for such long periods as you say. Have you seen the DD playing normally? Is she weaned? She ought to be chewing solid food as it's necessary for normal speech development.

Agree with others that sounds like DSil has been through a really tough time and needs some support. Could you suggest Homestart? Maybe you could suggest a really experienced Homestart volunteer could come and support DSil to take DD out 'without allowing DD to get upset'. Hopefully in the event the volunteer would actually help DSil see that toddlers do cry and it's completely normal?

what does SIL's husband make of it?

The main thing that would bother me into saying something is the cars eat issue, that is very dangerous, perhaps you could contact your local fire service and see if they have any leaflets to give your SIL about the im

This is very tricky. When I'm in that situation I just run because it's so hard to not say anything. I would spend as much time as you can with her, and focus on the child. Not on her and what she's doing right or wrong, but on the child. That makes it easier to avoid getting into conflict with her.

She sounds defensive and controlling, not a good combination for mothering. On the other hand she may have just read an attachment parenting book and got carried away a bit.

Whatever the reason, the best thing you can do is to show her by example what a great time you can have with her child, how you can pacify her if she cries etc etc.

She sounds like someone I know who had manic depression, and when she is manic is completely physically controlling over her son. She has lost him now because she separated from her partner and social services didn't allow her to continue as main carer. There is a point where someone's mothering becomes smothering and the needs of the child have to come first.

Most of us have been through an over-protective stage, but you learn and move on. When it continues it can make the behaviour entrenched and make it very hard for the baby to develop normally.

hi folks and thanks for comments. wasnt online yesterday to respond.

sh77 - i really hope you get all the support you need. x

ebd teacher - sil will say that is the amount of time she spends in a quiet room with her dd. ii know from calling / texting her - that is where she says she is and when we have visited, we have never really seen them as they are away lying down. I honestly cant imagine my dd at that age being willing to lie but her dd seems ok with it. I have only ever seen her dd in her mums arms, on her mum / dads knee but she does walk!. she is weaned - in that she eats some semi solids but is on her mums breast for many hours in a day. I bf until my dd was 2 so i am not in any way judging her for feeding but tbh - it isnt feeding, it is comfort suckling. I offered her dd some bread and hummous last weekend but she wasnt allowed it in case she choked.

SILs hubby is a lovely man but i think he feels in over his head. He worships his wife and dd and i think he has also carried alot this past year (his own mum died 4 months ago). I get on well with him and have tried to raise things but his view is that his dw seems ok. he does say that he cant wait for when dd is old enough to be taken out, to go to cafes restaurants etc. I told him that we had been able to do that from quite early. he was quite surprised at that.

i like the idea of really trying to focus on her dd, playing etc.

Your SIL sounds a little bit like me with DS a few years ago, except for the car seat. Also I did, at least once a day, get out of the house for walks with him (in baby carrier).

I'm not really sure what to suggest, (and I apologise in advance if this comes across as condescending) other than to say be really, really careful with how you approach this if you decide to try and intervene. Even the most carefully worded and well-meant advice can come across as criticism to a vulnerable mother with her PFB. If she feels as though her parenting is being questioned, she may simply isolate herself further to protect her feelings from being hurt. A defensive mother is often the mask worn by a sensitive and insecure mother.

From my perspective, which might well be entirely irrelevant, DS was an incredibly difficult baby from birth (HV's words too, not just my own opinion). I came to use attachment parenting techniques for him because traditional parenting just didn't work, plain and simple. Things like co-sleeping (and indeed co-napping too, it was the only way he would sleep), baby carriers, saved my sanity. Indeed, I did keep away from cafes and restaurants etc for a long time with him: it was stressful for everyone, didn't make us popular with other diners, and nobody had fun anyway.

Are you 100% positive your SIL parents the way she does for her sake and to meet her needs since losing her mother, or could she be responding to a challenging/sensitive baby that needs a lot of extra comfort?

If it's any comfort, DS's first year and a bit of being fairly isolated didn't seem to do any harm in terms of his confidence and how he interacts with other children of his age or other adults. Now nearly 4, he's naturally out-going and will chat happily away to anyone, despite being terrified of certain people as a baby (he used to scream at the sight or sound of my MIL, but loves her now).

I should add that DS does still have some sensory/sensitivity issues (hates certain loud noises for example), so IMO the jury is out on whether my parenting style for him was in his best interests. But I did what I did because it worked at the time and it seemed to keep us happiest as a family IYKWIM? Could your in-laws be in a similar situation?

BBF - thanks. the reason i have not said anything is exactly as you say. I dont want her to back off at all and know that is a risk. i have been treading around this for a long while but i think as they now live closer it is more apparent how little she goes out or leaves the flat.

I honestly cant say if it is because of her dd's needs or her own. None of us have ever really got to spend any time with her dd - up to now because they lived so far away, so it is hard to know what she is really like.

food for thought and i am going to have a chat with dp on how we can be of best support for all 3 of them. x

well folks. it all kinda blew up last night.

DP decided to have word with her.

Now I am never to darken their door again. I know that wont last but hey!

Oh dear weeonion. It's such a shame but not a surprise. She/they feel they are doing the best for their DD and that she needs to be protected. They can't see that they are wrong.

They really do need some professional help and I hope somehow that they get it.

Oh no, that's a shame. God that sounds trite but you know what I mean.

Did your DP talk to just his sister or her DP as well? If so then maybe he might have taken some of it on board ..... oh, and is it just you who is banned from their door or is your DP banned too?

I'm sorry it did not go well. I have just read the whole thread. I'm clutching at straws here but could you approach this from the 'I really want to get to know my niece better' angle? Ask if you could spend some quiet time with them then gently build up to oh why don't we go feel the sunshine just for a minute? I agree with everyone else this sounds like a serious problem but such a sensitive one it's hard to know what to suggest. If it helps with the social aspect worry my ds was necessarily very isolated his first year, he was born at 26 weeks and needed numerous operations, and limited exposure on drs orders to other children plus he needed oxygen/meds etc. and now he is a happy 4 year old with no social interaction issues whatsoever and dozens of friends, is the life and soul of any gathering.