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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Competitive Parenting

25 replies

Serendipitystar · 24/02/2006 06:26

Wondered if anybody can help out with this one ? A friend of mine (who is an absolute sweetheart, but very sensitive to other peoples comments) has a year old son, who is not crawling as yet. I was at a family celebration with her recently and a friend of hers asked me very loudly when my son started walking. As it happens just after his first birthday, BUT i know this particular 'friend' to be a nightmare of a 'Competive Parent' and i KNEW that she was trying to draw attention to the fact that my friends little boy wasn't walking or crawling yet..this was confirmed when she THEN went on to wax lyrical VERY loudly about her daughter crawling imminently and enjoying The History Channel over Ballamory (i kid you not)(said child is eight months old)..i fielded the question off with a vague 'scatty mum/ oh dear my brains not been right since i had ds1' type of reply ('I can't remember when he started walking ...silly me') a I didn't want to get into making my friend feel bad (i know that she is one of these mums who did Gina Ford to the letter and is constantly seeking reassurance and comparisons - fair enough, that's her bag)...did i do the right thing or was i reading too much into what was an innocent & interested question from her friend ?? How would you have handled it and what do you think is a good way to deal with the whole competitive parenting thing ? (i avoided playgroup until recently as i couldnt bear the prospect of loads of comparing - actually the parents are lovely and my son loves it lol !)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

suzywong · 24/02/2006 06:30

ummm.......I think, to be quite honest, one just does as you did; refuses to be drawn in and then vents one's spleen to other friends or MN.

There's nothing you can do about it And by the time they are at Kindergarten they are usually all about the same anyway.

FWIW, should you have a second child you will be too busy and over it all to even notice it.

HTH

bobbybobbobbingalong · 24/02/2006 06:35

You did the right thing. If the woman was being a cow - then you scuppered her, if she wasn't then you told a white lie to protect a friend and you needn't have. Not a problem.

I would have told her 8 month olds should not have been watching TV full stop. History channel indeed!

Wills · 24/02/2006 08:02

Agree with suzywong. By the time you have your second you wont have time to give a damn about competitiveness and will probably look sadly at those that do. I got accused of being competitive the other day by my cousin. Couldn't work out what the heck she was referring to until dh pointed out that dd2 is potty trained before her dd1 (they're only a few months apart). dd2 had the motivational drive of being desperate to wear her big sister's knickers. When I only had one I religiously read the "What to expect" books, with my second I don't think I've opened them more than possibly once. Think you did the right thing in not getting involved but I should worry about your behaviour too much.

FairyMum · 24/02/2006 08:21

Laugh it off. At least she IS quite funny with her history channel. Are you sure she wasn't just joking?
Remember that some parents don't really mean to be competitive or brag, but are simply incredibly proud of their little darlings. Apparently my niece could say a few words at the age of 6 weeks. No really!

bluejelly · 24/02/2006 08:25

You did the right thing. Can't stand competitive parents. My SIL made a huge fuss about her son being able to walk at 8 months, looked at my dd sadly (and patronisingly) when she was still only crawling at 13 months and said 'oh don't worry you'll catch up one day'.
The thing is that they do all learn to walk at some point, why does it matter whether they do it at 1 or 2?
(PS bluejelly is my new name, got bored with old one...)

poppiesinaline · 24/02/2006 11:24

I have a friend (who I dearly love btw and is a very lovely person) but she is very competitive. Was when we had our DSs and then when we had our 2nd and still is! It used to really me but now I just refuse to get drawn in. I just make sure I never get into any 'what are they doing now?' conversations with her. Mind you - just remember - it'll come back and bite her on the bum one day - they all develop at different rates and all have different talents so sooner or later your friend's lo will do something before or better than this other competitive friend's lo!

wannaBe1974 · 24/02/2006 14:36

I have a friend who is very much like this, especially towards her SIL's little girl who is 2 years younger than her DD. when my friend's SIL's baby didn't crawl until she was 14 months old, my friend kept saying how "I'm sure there's something wrong with her, developmentally she's just not right. After all, my DD was walking at 10 months", this was not helped by the fact she hates her SIL with a passion, so I did take some of it with a pinch of salt, but when she started saying things like "oh the health visitors have been round and are having her assessed, she's being diagnosed as being backward. Backward is actually a medical condition - did you know that?" that I started thinking that it was more about competitiveness than anything else. And then my friend announced to me that they have been told their DD is very gifted and has actually been offered a place at school a year ahead of all the other children, so starting before her 4th birthday rather than before her 5th birthday, but that they had refused because they didn't want her starting so young. and now I'm convinced my friend is actually just lying. I know her DD well, she's a 4-year-old just like any other, she's sweet and inteligent, but certainly wouldn't say she's any more gifted than any other child, but I think my friend just wants the world to think her dd is better than any other because she herself has such low self esteem, but to put others' kids down in the process is a bit low imo.

kittyfish · 24/02/2006 14:49

I think all kiddies are lovely (well, most anyway ) and I really cannot understand this whole competetive thing. As long as my dd is happy and healthy I'm not fussed when she does things compared to others. Do you think these CM's lacked attention as children? Or maybe it is just 'my 4x4 is bigger than yours' syndrome. Sad either way.

Wills · 24/02/2006 16:28

Unfortunately I think its easy to get caught up both ways. If someone questions your child you start to question as well. At the same I found that if my dd1 did something I would be desperate not to be called a CM and would down play it. Forget to both now

bobbybobbobbingalong · 24/02/2006 17:36

Teaching children the same age as my son, is a lovely reminder to me not to be competitive. I am proud of my professionalism in never mentioning him whilst I am being paid. I can state clearly that around 90% of the children I teach are apparently extremely musical (according to parents) and of those 90%, 100% are completely on the normal scale. Not a Mozart among them.

Original poster

Serendipitystar · 24/02/2006 20:06

Thankyou so much for all of your feedback - I really agree with the 'when you have number two you'll be too tired to notice / care about competitive parenting ' - i can see that being true and tbh , maybe my friends friend just couldnt help it and is really proud (we all know that feeling) and she was just speaking as she felt and not thinking of cause / effect.... all quite funny as i never normally even have time to go on pc let alone speak about this kind of stuff...ah well, onwards and upwards eh ....

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 24/02/2006 20:09

Was your pal American, by chance?

MaloryTowers · 24/02/2006 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 24/02/2006 20:14

You should try being American, MT! Why do you think I'm glad I'm not there anymore?

'My child is so advanced . . . ' Yawn, stretch, start trying to remember poetry or passages of Proust in my head. Only one time I goofed and spaced and when prompted, muttered 'Oui, bien sur.' Ooops. Busted. Not listening. Talk to the hand . . .

MaloryTowers · 24/02/2006 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 24/02/2006 20:21

Gawd, that would get old. That's when I have to break out the Southern accent and say, 'Well, honey, how's about time for a subject change, doncha think? B/c I will just die if you don't tell me RIGHT NOW where you found that [insert bag, top, scarf, earrings, etc.]!'

MaloryTowers · 24/02/2006 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tillykins · 24/02/2006 20:23

The mummy mafia... Incredibly tiresome, especially to those of us who do have incredibly gifted children

you did the right thing star, and well done you for thinking so fast!

expatinscotland · 24/02/2006 20:24

Expat tells MT, in fab Southern accent, 'Oh, honey, thank you for hte lovely offer, but really, you shouldn't go to all that trouble just for lil' ol' me!' and batts carefully mascared eyelashes.

Lauraa83 · 24/02/2006 20:34

Competitive mums really pss me off.....
I have a ds and someone I know has a ds just 7weeks younger than mine.
Everytime my ds does something new i.e walking, crawling, feeding himself etc..."oh, can do that too" or "* done that last week" she says it over EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING! Too much to be a coincidence.
When my ds started walking at 13m, she spotted us in a supermarket and put her ds on the floor and literally dragged him along with his poor little feet going double speed to keep up, he could barely stand up and it was all for show. I have no problem at all if her ds does something earlier than mine don't get me wrong, but she is a bit of a bitchy person and sometimes you just know when it's all lies and bitchiness

I think you did the right thing Serendipitystar, and sounds like you're a good friend to have

Speeha · 25/02/2006 08:25

I couldn't believe how competitive the school mums were when DD1 started in reception this year - it was like being a kid again. They are always competing over who is sitting at which table, who is reading the hardest book, etc etc
Then they are the first ones that get nits!!!!

Elibean · 25/02/2006 10:54

Erm....wonder if the thread about what six year olds can/can't do might link just a bit with this one...
Don't want to cause no bad feelings, though

Ellaroo · 25/02/2006 11:11

Quite agree Elibean. Found the 6-year-old thread really upsetting. I found the idea that another mother had entrusted her child into her care, and instead of the child being looked after with affection and fondness, she was secretly point-scoring and comparing. Couldn't stand the idea that my child might be in the care of someone whose only thought after returning her would be of what she could/couldn't do in relation to their own child, rather than just simply thinking about whether she was a sweet/good-natured child or not - which I would have thought should be all that would need to be of concern to another parent, as this is what would impact on them or their own child.

Think your response was excellent Serendipitystar and whsh I was able to think on the spot like that...I normally only realise what I should have said hours later.

Troutpout · 26/02/2006 15:40

God in that situation i would have loved to have thought of Bobbybobbobbingalong suggestion...and scorned her for letting an 8 month old watch t.v.
Sadly...brain is mush and i only think of such things 2 days after the event.

DominiConnor · 27/02/2006 09:37

I think there's a difference between putting other people down, and taking pride in how you've helped your kids to advance.
As for preferring the "History Channel", at 8 months, 2.0 at around that age really loved car adverts. His face would light up, especially Ford. Will never know quite what button they pressed :)
At the risk of sounding like the bad type of competitive dad, he's not at all stupid.

Must als obe said that the HC is skilfully set at a very low level, not much above Balamory.

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