Preschool have told me my 4yr old is violent

[ChocolateTeacup]

Hiya

Looking for advice, my DS2 has attended the same preschool since he was 2.9 it is next to the infant school and has quite strong links with the infant school.

I went in to speak about an incident where another boy had pushed my DS2 over and caused a large graze on his back that I hadn't been told of, when I was speaking to a member of staff she said well DS2 can be violent.

I made an appointment to speak to his key-worker, as I had never heard this coming from preschool before, as far as I knew up to this point he mostly behaved himself but was a typical boy

Upon speaking to his Key-worker, I find out him and his two best friends who he is very dependant on (asks if they will be there before he goes to sleep and can get hysterical if they are not there) when playing games tend to get very rough and violent (again such a strong shocking word) that my DS2 when separated from them can concentrate and engage well but seeks out and is aggressive when he is in that pack, also to make me feel worse, there is another boy who has joined in with that group who is now also joining in with these aggressive games (Fighting & Pushing)

I am at a lost and kind of switching between feeling cross and upset that I didn't know anything like this was going on and also, I really don't want my DS2 to be labelled at infant school when he hasn't had the chance to start yet.

How should I tackle this behaviour? He goes to preschool 4 mornings a week 2 of which both of the boys are there 2 of them just one boy is there

It's not an unusual problem - you sound like you're worried that it'll blight his school career - don't be!

Re "he ... was a typical boy" - I guess that depends on what you expect from a typical boy - would you say that you accept a level of roughness from him (against other kids) which you wouldn't accept if he were a girl?

What do nursery think that they/you should be doing to deal with it?

Also, is he old enough for judo / rugby / some other activity where he could get some of the rough play out of his system?

Maybe he's the next Jonah Lomu! ;)

I wouldn't say I accept any roughness from him at home, his brother who is 1 year older than him, if either starts fighting or hurting each other they both have a time out from each other before apologising and moving on (Which happens very occasionally say monthly rather than weekly)

For typical boy, he likes climbing jumping running always very active and very often in his own world he pretends to be Jake from the neverland pirates and things like that, he is very much an active child and is outside in all weathers rather than sitting still and calmly colouring etc.

Breathe deeply.

Now, your munchkin is 2!

It is utterly common knowledge that little groups of boys can really enjoying physical play and 'fighting.' There is nothing 'violent' about it - they are generally bonkers, effervescent and without perspective.

Personally - I would insist on an appointment to see the Head of this Place - tell them in no uncertain terms that the use of the word 'violent' is shocking and unprofessional and you are unhappy that the key worker used it and do not want it used about your son - end of. It upsets you and you would not expect such a word to be banded around in a childcare setting. It is a very adult term. Now - they can certainly use terms to describe what is happening - X pushed Y etc.

Secondly - just what are the nursery doing to manage this group of boys? Is there a common trigger for the behaviour? What strategies do they have? Ask for an observation.

The nursery can't have it both ways - if they are noticing behaviour that is not acceptable - then they have to do something about it, surely?

I am looking at things like that Toaster but most want them to be 5 he is already down for beavers :)

I don't think there is a huge amount you can do if you already stop him fighting at home.

I would want to know a) why you weren't told about this before and b) what THEY are goign to do about it.
while he is at nursery there is nothing you can do is there? it's up to them to sort it out.

I would at the very least expect them to be keeping the boys apart where possible, and supervising them incredibly closely when they are together so they can stop any violent behaviour occuring.

daytoday His key worker is one of the two leaders :( the one who writes the reports for the infant school I did express that I was not happy with that word being used, I have asked the nursery to try and encourage other friendship groups.

They say that they get reminded that they need to be gentle and have 'kind hands' and when they are all acting up they are separated one outside one in the crafts room one in the free play room

and i don't think violent is a strong or shocking word. if he is being violent to others then he just is, isn't he? there's no point sugar coating it or pretending it's something that boys just do, because that simply isn't true

I see your point thisisyesterday I think further speaking with the preschool needs to happen, I personally feel violent means a malicious fury and aggression with intent to injure or damage and I struggle to apply that to a 4 yr old. But I want to know the whole truth and how to encourage his gentleness and loving nature (which he can be as well he is a lot more tactile than DS1 always stroking me and hugging)

If he actually is being violent to the other kids, then I don't think that you have anything to complain about in the nursery using the word 'violent'.

It would not be reasonable to expect the nursery to put your feelings ahead of clearly describing what he's actually doing - i.e. for them to pretend to you that he's not being violent when actually he is.

Think you might be blaming the messenger here.

daytoday is right that the nursery needs to have a strategy for dealing with this - perhaps they already do?

separating them sounds fair enough.

The other thing that I think maybe the nursery is trying to tell you is that if he's going to play rough then sometimes he's going to get hurt. It would be unfair to expect the other kids not to hit him back, if he's hitting them.

Thats the thing though there has been only one occasion when I was told that him and one of his friends were separated for fighting.

If he is being violent on a regular basis I am shocked that no one has told me and that at this point in the school year after he has been there for two years, this is the first I have heard about it after querying a casual remark from another member of staff.

I am not defending him although he is my DS I am shocked of just hearing about it and am looking for ways of changing his behaviour and talking to him about it, so that the issue can be prevented and his behaviour doesn't carry on into infant school in September

He might well grow out of it.

Work together with the nursery - what (if anything) do they want you to do?

Do the nursery have a Behaviour Management Policy? My DS1 (3.10) has been a bit aggressive at pre-school recently and so I spoke to the nursery manager who explained theirs and that they will look to identify particular triggers (e.g. tired, hungry, particular activities or combinations of children) and also shadow him so that they can head off any outbursts and help him to find other ways of expressing anger/frustration/upset. Might be worth asking?

Can understand your annoyance at not being told about his behaviour before though.

I would expect the nursery to be dealing with this problem - managing the boys more and breaking them up so that they mix with others. I agree the behavior is unacceptable and if you don't have that kind of behavior at home it must be quite shocking for you.

Work with the playgroup. Have a meeting. Ask them to list the times/places he tends to get violent and ask what strategies they will use to work through each sinareo. Tell them what works for you at home. Tell them you do not want your son to behave in a violent manner.

Have you talked to him about it. Can you give him some strategies. Ways of saying no to getting involved. Out line the behavior you expect from him at playgroup.

Go and observe him if needed. Fly on the wall.

Yes I have been doing a lot of chatting with him, about nice friends, nice behaviour and what to do when people do things he doesn't like, I am going in again today to make sure they understand that I don't support this behaviour at all and to try and work with them as well as going through what I have done at home that works well in the past

Do you know the other boys mums? Might be worth finding out if they think he's trouble, or if they are concerned about their own sons behavior, or they may just think its boy play. It could put your mind at rest.

Thanks Gingerodgers Will do that

My son is can be very aggressive to others when they don't share, my son is a really good sharer and will always share with others so when no one shares with him, he hits them!!! Not acceptable I know but when questioned he says I only hit when boys don't share!!! He is a real daredevil and loves rough and fast play to a certain extent, however at his last pre school meeting I was told he finds the other boys too rough and plays with 3 girls who are all siblings of his sisters friends because they play calm games and he loves playing schools!! I was so surprised to hear this as I find his rough and tumble quite hard to deal with but I now know put him with a pack of boys and he will run a mile. Pre school said he is an excellent sharer and this is why he hits because he has been told to share and when others aren't doing as he expect he gets angry!!! Most children hit or bite or do something aggressive at some point before they start school and as long as they know it is wrong and are disiplined for it they will eventually (hopefully!!) grow out of it!! Horrible though when your child is doing it but I do think parents need to understand that it is a normal phase of development and as long as you are disiplining them it will get better!!