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Behaviour/development

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Toddler (2.8) tells family/friends "I don't like you"

8 replies

chummymummy7 · 11/06/2012 21:46

Leading up to and since the birth of her new sister, DD1 has picked on certain family members/friends and will repeatedly tell them she doesn't like them.

It may not sound like much, but it sometimes builds up into quite aggressive shouting/shaking and I can see it's upsetting her chosen target victim, no matter how much they assure me it isn't. It's got to the point where I kind of dread seeing certain people, as she's so unpredictable.

At times, myself and DH have been on the receiving end, as have passers by on the street, people on the TV, shopkeepers etc etc. She has also started hitting out at other toddlers sometimes.

I've tried being breezy and trying to ignore it, with a simple "well, they still like you" or "that's fine". I've also tried using reason ie. "that's not very kind, it makes x feel sad when you say that".

As it's been going on for some weeks now (some days are fine, some are really bad), I'm wondering if I should be punishing this behaviour somehow - but if, so ...how? I tried threatening bed if she continued, but she just agreed and said she wanted to go to bed. Perhaps I should have followed it through?

I worry about her own emotional wellbeing too when she gets worked up - but mostly I think she is testing her power to manipulate emotions socially. Of course she doesn't actually dislike these people, but is feeling vulnerable/unsure of herself since the arrival of little sis.

I should add that she's wonderful with the new baby and has never turned against her. Deep down, I know this is textbook behaviour that will pass - but can anyone advise how to deal with it in the short-term so I can handle social situations better?

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exoticfruits · 12/06/2012 07:18

I think that with you and DH, you are doing the right thing - ignore beyond saying 'well we have enough love for us all'.
When she hits out at other toddlers remove her - keep hold of her and only let her go back if she stops. Do it every time.
With shopkeepers, passers by, granny or whoever -don't bother reasoning , just get down to her level - look her in the eye and tell her firmly that it is very rude and she is not to do it.
Make sure that you spend time with her when she is being good, it is all too tempting to leave alone if she is playing nicely and give her the attention when she is being a pain. When all is going well is the time to talk about it and discuss the fact that you can shout at people onTV because they can't hear but that it upsets people inRL etc.

exoticfruits · 12/06/2012 07:18

It is a phase.

Sparklingbrook · 12/06/2012 07:34

I would say it's a phase. DS1 at the same age used to tell people to 'go home' and hold the door open for them. Blush

Praise the good as exotic said.

ohcluttergotme · 12/06/2012 08:02

Hi chummymummy I have ds who is also 2.8 and he can be a horror to his big sister who is 13, when her friends come in he wants them to pick him up & says to my dd that he doesn't like her which I know is very hurtful to her. Also at night he will give me & dh kisses & cuddles but screams if dd tries to give him a kiss & cuddle. He will play with her when it suits him but whenever her friends are there he's so mean. I know that he's really jealous of her but hard to see her when he's like this.
We've started doing a sticker chart for when he's being nice & kind & loving to his sister, he's responded really well & has been giving her kisses & cuddles & saying he loves her. Part of me thinks I shouldn't be bribing my ds to be kind to his sister but it is working so hopefully if we do it for a short time then he will then be nice to her off his own accord fingers crossed Good luck with your dd

chummymummy7 · 12/06/2012 09:04

Thanks for the pointers.

I'm trying my best to reward and notice the good behaviour exoticfruits- though it's sometimes hard to keep it up when you're breastfeeding a new baby and running on no sleep. I will try to stay consistent with firmly telling her it's rude to say that. Sometimes when I tell her off she says "I made mummy sad" - and seems quite happy abiut it!

ohcluttergotme - the sticker chart is a great idea - maybe try to think of it as positive reinforcement rather than bribery!

OP posts:
Murtette · 13/06/2012 12:40

In the run up to DS's birth, DD (then 2.6) decided that Daddy & various other people weren't her friend. It eventually transpired that that was because she'd decided the baby needed some friends! So, I was her friend & so was the baby but Daddy wasn't her friend as he was the baby's friend. I wasn't the baby's friend as I was her friend & Daddy's friend. In some ways, I was impressed with her wanting to share her friends. Since the baby has turned up, I don't think its been mentioned.

MrTumblesCrackWhore · 14/06/2012 20:27

I sympathise. I posted a similar thread recently- my ds (2.9) declares he doesn't now like ANY of his friends- mostly because playing with them stresses him out because he has to share. He is fiercely envious of things other kids have got too. It is hugely mortifying when he announces his dislike for said child to their face and/or to their mum.

It is generally only kids the same perceived age as him. He loves older boys and can be very kind to younger toddlers and babies but is liable to push, shout and even hit other kids who have something he wants or are in 'his space'.

It's really sad for me too as I see him cutting himself off from all his previously good friends he has known from birth. We still meet up but it's more stressful these days and I can't help feeling the friendships I have with the other mums are suffering.

It worsened recently when he started shouting at random children who dared to even walk down the same street as us !

skybluepearl · 14/06/2012 23:04

Shes crying out for attention and feeling insecure. Lots of praise about what she does do right and lots of time alone with her. Make her feel special.

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