A moral dilemma re: friend's son

[sukiyaki]

Regular poster, but I've name-changed for this.

I have a good friend. We both have 4-year-old sons. Since meeting her and her son I've always felt that there is something a bit different about him, behaviour-wise. He's capable of being sweet, kind and generous, but at other times his behaviour is, quite frankly, appalling.

He can be quite violent - hitting and throwing things at his friends, brother and other kids at nursery. He's extremely impulsive, has no sense of danger, doesn't show empathy at the distress he causes, disobeys his parents routinely, doesn't seem to understand time-outs or other punishments and is just filled with self-pity rather than remorse, deliberately breaks or destroys things and takes apparent pleasure in this, is disruptive and difficult to settle at bedtime - I could go on. He also has a speech delay.

To put it bluntly, if he was my son I'd have marched him down to the GP long ago and tried to get to the bottom of what's going on. My friend seems to understand that there is a problem of some kind and she is seeking help for the speech delay, but otherwise I feel she's in denial and just hoping things will improve (which, I suppose they may). She's now been approached by the teachers at his nursery, who have voiced concern that he may not be ready to start school in Sept (even though he'll be four-and-a-half by then). Should I gently encourage her to seek more help - or should I just keep quiet? I want to be supportive of her and her son and I realise that the sooner help is available the better it would be for all concerned, but I really don't want to speak out of turn and risk offending her. WWYD?

Say nothing. If she wants your advice then she'll ask for it.

As she's altready seeking help re the speech delay, she's 'in the system' already - they should refer her if there's a greater problem.

Bear in mind that you could be wrong.

Say nothing. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7 but I wasn't ready to hear it when he was 4. I knew something was different but I couldn't put my finger on it (I'm not saying this is necessarily what this little boy has).
She will seek help when she's ready.

Oh, I know I could be wrong. That's why I've never said a word!

If he's getting help for his speech, then the professionals should be able to point her in the direction of anything she needs to consider.

Then keep up the good work! :)

It's not like his mum doesn't already know.

My ds also has a friend at school who you could have been describing at 4. Tbh, I did think he had a SN of some description ( am a teacher) and so did school - I never shared my suspicions, but encouraged his mum to seek the support, if only to rule things out. At 8 years old he is so much improved, based on some very consistent parenting, channeling his energies into sport and lots of input from school particularly on the social aspect. He found starting school challenging (nursery parents had refused playdates as he was too rough) and he would have benefited from starting school later, imo. He still has an IEP, he still sounds slightly odd in speech, but his behaviour is vastly improved. There has been no diagnosis from any professional despite input from various sources, his parents don't believe there is anything wrong but have been open to him receiving support.

DS has stuck loyally by him, but maintaining a friendship has occasionally been a challenge. I intervened at school level when in the early days ds was on the receiving end of some rough behaviour and was upset by it. But because it was happening in school, I trusted school to deal with it and gave ds the tools to deal with his friend and how to involve a grown up. It's also meant I have been able to maintain my friendship with his mum who has needed a listening ear. He had his first ever sleepover at our house and is very gentle with my youngest dc. Ds says his friend is very bright but he is on a lower table at school as he doesn't like writing his answers down/doesn't always try. I think their friendship has been mutually beneficial as ds is competitive and his friend is pretty tolerant of it, when another child might not have been, and ds also looks out for his friend and steers him away from trouble (mostly!)

OP, it looks like I'm in the minority here, but if I were your friend I would like to know what you think. I guess it depends on whether you're very good friends or not. I prefer to be told if someone thinks something isn't right, and IMO if the intention is good I don't mind if it's not what I want to hear. If someone in the supermarket queue tells me that my toddler is disruptive and badly behaved when he is having a tantrum, then I'd most likely tell them to keep their mouth shut. If a friend told me that some behaviour isn't "normal" I'd think about it carefully.

I think I would try to find some middle ground because if someone had pointed me towards information on Asperger's when DD1 was younger it could have saved us a lot of trauma but at the same time I can see why many parents would not want a friend pointing out their child's inadequacies.

If she has told you herself about his SALT input why not use that to keep the lines of communication open? Ask if she has an appointment yet for a start. If she seems happy to discuss that you can follow it up by asking if she thinks speech difficulties are the root of his frustrations and whether anyone has mentioned seeing a paediatrician.

If she starts to stonewall you will know that she doesn't want to hear what you think and if she opens up about her concerns or what others have said you can gently suggest where she might look for support.

TBH she has probably thought about this in a great deal of depth and may well have her own idea about what is going on. A kind listener to bounce it all off might be just what she needs and your opinion as the mother of another four year old is very relevant. Talking to you might validate her concerns enough for her to seek more help. There again she might have been told by lots of professionals that her parenting is at fault and be sick of hearing others' opinions.

I would go very, very gently, asking questions she can easily deflect rather than offering an opinion. Only tell her what you think if she asks you outright.