6 yr old dd still having tantrums

[mum23girlys]

Hi my 6 yr old dd is driving me mad with her behaviour. She's always been very sensitive and gets worked up over the smallest things really quickly. I just thought that by 6 this would've stopped or at least improved but if anything things are getting worse. Just feel like I can't cope with it all any more. Her twin sister is not like this and my other dd (18months) is really laid back too. She has been struggling to control her emotions since as young as 12months old. We hit the terrible 2's really early and they just haven't left . I had hoped that she would at least have started controlling her behaviour by now and not be freaking out in public but today she has had a public meltdown and 1 very close call that I just managed to nip in the bud.

I will honestly try anything but at the moment I just feel like the world's biggest failure. It really upsets both of us as she can be such a loving wee thing and really just wants to make me happy but then just can't control herself if something upsets her. I've tried time out, taking toys away, excluding her from treats that her sisters get if she's misbehaved. But for all she is full of remorse at the time it doesn't stop her doing it again

Hi Mum23girlys
I'm watching this as she sounds like my DD (5.5). We are lost for words most of the time and we also have a lovely laid back DD2. What is she like at school? I have been up since 4am worrying about the return to school as we have had complaints about her from some of her classmates' parents. She gets angry when her games and playing are interrupted by others wanting to join in or change things. She gets nasty and pushes/pinches them. We don't get her at all - try to explain that nothing is worth getting angry about. A lot of the time when she has tantrums her friends look at her, bewildered, and ask what is wrong with her. I too have run out of answers and unfortunately the school have stepped in with behavioural advice sessions for me (OK but 50% of it focused on what a crap job we had done so far....)
I have tried reward charts (she's not interested in them), time out (didn't work as I found it difficult keeping the pair of them away from each other - Dd2 very upset and I was struggling to deal with both of them screaming. I have removed toys and after school activities that she was hoping to do and, like your DD, she is remorseful but gets over it and does it again.
She also speaks to us as though we are not as clever as her and we are all "stupid". I'll come back on later when I've done the walk of shame (school run).

Our dd 8.5 is still having horrendous tantrums too. Ds (5) & dd2 (1) are very chilled out, but dd1 does get really wound up by things and then tends to explode. Often she is extremely mature, kind & helpful, but sometimes leaves absolutely lost for words. We also get the many, many apologies, but this doesn't prevent it from happening again.

Yesterday dd1 had a very unreasonable tantrum & ended uo being excluded from an activitt she was desperate to do. She had to sit & watch ds do it instead this time, but I have said we will go back in a few weeks if she can be good until then...

I have no idea what to do, except to be firm & consistent & would love some ideas!

Sympathies! I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say I was very similar to your DD as a child. Only at home, though, not at school where I always was well behaved. I don't know why I was this way, but I remember the emotions I felt (anger that I couldn't get what I wanted, mainly), and they were very real. I was emotional, sensitive and a pain in the ass with the slightest things...
It carried on for many many years!
But, if it's any consolation, I am now a quite laid back adult so she won't necessarilly always be this way.
PS: I don't know if you would be willing but I remember my mother putting me under the shower during tantrums being quite effective!
Good luck!

Like you said, she is sensitive. I had the same thing, also with a twin. Dt1 felt a bit overshadowed by dt2 and had self esteem issues. When they started school, dt2 did so much better, and it knocked him back. And when things didn't go right for him, he just couldn't cope, and would explode. Dt2 who is far more confident, can cope with anything. we had to work on dt1's self esteem, he did a drama club, started scouts, and we spent 1:1 time with him and reassured him loads. He started to make more friends at school, and feel better about himself. When it looked like he was going to go off on one, we would reassure him he could deal with it without losing his temper and avoid the consequences of doing so.

When he did lose his rag he was sent to his room until he calmed down. In public it was impossible, I couldn't even get him safely home, and even had to resort to calling dh so I could keep him belted up for the car journey home and prevent him hitting the others. It was horrendous, but he hasn't had a tantrum for about a year I think now, he is 7.

You are not a failure. I was at my wits end, and it was a family liaison officer at the school who I approached for advice who explained to me about self esteem issues and temper tantrums.

I've done the shower thing, catus! Shower was due anyway, and it was quite hard to scream in the shower without getting a mouth full of water! dt1 could carry on for a couple of hours easily. I mostly felt sorry for him though, he was so out of control, and just couldn't stop himself. Dh would get angry back and just exacerbate the situation.

Actually I think breaking his arm helped too, (in a non temper related incident). It was a serious break, requiring two ops. With everyone making a fuss at school and telling him how brave he was, he got a real boost. And the school supported us by giving him the part of Joseph in the school nativity.

Getting to school on board would be an idea, breaking her arm, not so much!

When tantrums have carried on for so long the first thing to consider is are they functional or are they a loss of control i.e. is the child screaming and lashing out because they sometimes achieve the thing they want by doing it or are they losing it because they cannot cope with the emotions they are experiencing and this is a way to communicate their overwhelming distress?

Have a really good think because you need the handle to two things differently.

If the tantrums are functional because they have been given the message that 'no' means 'no, unless you give me a really hard time in which case I might give in' you need to think about changing your own parenting style. Only say what you mean and mean what you say. If there is a consequence to certain behaviour give one warning and then carry it through. Brazen the tantrums out while giving off signals which say 'it's fine if you want to embarrass yourself. I will just wait until you've finished and then we will carry on as before'.

If these are meltdowns due to loss of control you need to look carefully for the trigger. Is it sensory? Loud noises, crowded environment, people touching them, too many smells, a combination of a few? Is it a change in routine? It is worries about something coming later. Try to discriminate between the immediate trigger and others which might have been building up behind the scenes.

For example my DD2 (9) has AS and struggles with being away from home. She had a meltdown on holiday which appeared to have been caused by her trapping her finger in a door handle (it didn't even leave a mark). She immediately went into full blown kicking, screaming, throwing, trying to escape and had to be restrained. The trapped finger was the immediate trigger but it all happened because we were away from home in unfamiliar routines and had her cousin staying with us. I could have put it down to bad behaviour and punished it but it would have served no purpose as she had no control over her actions. It was my fault for letting her get so stressed in the first place.

So my suggestion would be to look very hard at each tantrum, including asking the child afterwards in a very non-confrontational manner, and try to work out the reason behind the tantrums. Then hopefully you will know what it is that you need to adjust about your own behaviour or the child's environment and routines to help reduce the outbursts.

Thanks for all the replies. It is so good to know I'm not alone. My dd can be emotional at school but on the whole is well behaved and works well. She is very popular so must not behave this way with friends. Her teacher has said she generally only gets upset at school if they've had a very busy day and she maybe hasn't had a chance to do all the activities.

Timandra I think your advice was great. I never give in after a tantrum and she will never get whatever it was she wanted etc. She often misses out on after school activities or games because she's had a meltdown. So I'm going to take your advice on board and pay attention to the situations in which the meltdowns arise. I think they are worse if we've done too much. Like had a day out and gone from 1 activity to another. She is worse if we're late with a meal too. Even 15 minutes is enough to set her off. If we're out I always have snacks handy just in case but it's not always enough.

Most of the time she's really loving. Would say she's the clingiest of my 3dd's. Think I'll keep a diary for a week and see if I can figure out what sets her off. Could be self esteem issues. She always comes across as very confident as she can be loud but she really is painfully shy. She goes to dance classes and girl's brigade in the hope of building confidence. In class she is fine but at marches or shows she focuses on the floor and struggles to look up at the audience. Feel so much better now that I feel I might be able to help her. Thanks everyone.

Oh and I laughed out loud at the shower idea. My dh did that to her a few years ago and she still goes on about it :-)