Anyone else worry about effects that your childs friends will have on them?
Dd is 4.5 and spends regular playdates with another friend, same age. Both us mums are lone parents, I'm totally lone, but she has only recently kicked dh out after a year of bad times and has started divorce proceedings. She has 2 kids, me only one. We became friends, but I see her emotionally struggling and notice her temper errupts around the kids and its like a thunder bolt when it comes.
I also noticed that her dd is never happy to see us anymore, at school etc or elsewhere in the area if I see her she always looks gloomy and upset. I see her looking upset after school from afar and she also has massive anger fits constantly when we go there to play. its pretty intense stuff and I think shes in trouble. Her anger reminds me of her mums anger and I think she is totally acting out her mums emotions and also that she is struggling with the whole break up.
My dd has lately started acting out her type of anger after playing. Its out of character as she's not an angry girl at all. So far its like real acting and I let it go, as I know that at this age kids like to explore identities and test them out. But what if she stays friends? And what if her friend's troubles are not being handled with care? Could she end up taking it on too?
Last time it happened I said to her mum that I noticed she has become really angry the last few months and I said I thought perhaps it was connected with her emotions about the break up. Her mum lept at me in an angry defense and said it had nothing to do with that. She said it only ever happens when she's with my dd. But I told her I noticed her mood outside of the playdates from seeing her around and that she seemed troubled to me. I said I was only saying it out of friendship. I questioned why it is always her dd that asks for the playdates then? She said she has no idea. I also said that she is angry faced towards us from the moment she opens the front door and that I made sure my dd did nothing to provoke her. I suggested maybe we not put them together anymore then, if she felt it was specific to playing with my dd. She didn't want that, it was clear, as she said is was a shame we would be gone all summer and didn't know what they would do. So that was a contradiction.
Normally I never interfere with someones personal life unless prompted or voice any assumptions, but when it comes to the friendships of dd and the future, I think it does become important to say something and also that there is nothing wrong with suggesting it comes from the break up. I have her dd's welfare at heart as well as mine. I fear she is living in denial about the horrible effects of the divorce on her dd, because she has a hard time coping herself. But the danger of that is that my dd could be dragged into the cycle of anger. I wonder if perhaps her dd uses my dd as springboard for her anger, subconsciously, trying to balance out energies, because she feels my dd is not an angry person, so she's unconsciously shifting it onto her??? Thats my gut feeling. I feel that by doing this she replaces the need for some therapy as she perhaps sees my dd as a safe space?
I need to get advice on this if it keeps going on, as I tried to avoid this kind of turbulence in dd's own life, by making a clean break from her dad right from pregnancy onwards.
Has anyone else experienced anything smiliar and can give feedback?
Thankyou ;-)