I love my son but can't stand his behaviour

[Whirliwig72]

Ok so my 3.5 year old DS1 has loads of good things going for him he's bright when he wants to be. He's fearless, he's full of confidence and very funny BUT his bad behaviour of late is driving me insane. We welcomed the arrival of his little brother 9 months ago so I know it's partly due to this but to be honest he was pretty challenging before Ds2 came along.

The main problems are:

1. not listening - I have to repeat everything so many times that I end up losing my temper and shouting.

2. being bloody nasty to ds2 - on really bad days I can't even leave them in the same room while I run to the loo due to stealth big brother shoves, slaps and pinches

3. doing stupid things after being told not to do them with explanation as to why - ie don't put your soapy hand in your eye it will hurt you ... Two seconds later we have soap in eye tantrum

4. being an arse about potty training. Weve been out of nappies during the day since forever. He fully understands the process of using the potty and asking for help if he needs it yet almost every day he'll do a wee on the floor or a poo in his pants just for the hell of it -as an attention vehicle I think

5. Getting him to bed and getting him up in the morning is a total nightmare - I have to nag him constantly and bedtime can take up to two hours to complete.

6. he is the fussiest eater in the world with the worst table manners even though we constantly remind him to use his fork and not to drop food on the floor.

All of these things and there are others besides really get us down as parents. I spend at least an hour a day with him one on one when ds2 naps, we use timeoits and withdrawal of privellidges as punishments but it doesn't seen to be making much difference.

I thought three year old were meant to be sweet little chatter boxes that asked endless questions and wanted to help their mound and dads. Ours is already like a defiant teenager - where are we going wrong?

Please excuse the appalling spelling and numbering by the way I'm typing on a screen the size of a matchbox

He's a threenager :) Hard work, they are, at that age. It does get better as 4 gets nearer and the sib is not so new anymore.

How much sleep is he getting over a 24 hour period?

Once he's in bed he's pretty good about not waking up so I'd say he is sleeping from 9pm - 8am at night then often he has a two hour nap in the afternoon as well. Threenager - I like that !

We started using 1 2 3 magic on our then 2 now 3 year old and it works like a charm.

Very simple, very basic, easy for parent & child to understand (my 20 month old even gets it) and i'm sure parents have been using it in one way or another since time began.

You just have to remember to keep your own emotions in check.

You can buy it on amazon or download it straight to a kindle if you have one.

I should say that for the first few days of using it, it was perfect, then my ds started really pushing me, proably to see if I would stick to it.

I did (Just) and from day 10 we very rarely got to "2" never mind 3.

can you buy yourself some parenting books. look on amazon maybe for best reads

From my point of view I'd say - stop shouting and giving him lots of attention when naughty. Secondly spend time alone with him and have some fun together. Praise and tell him how special he is. He sounds desperate for you attention - good or bad

Sounds like major attention seeking, to me.

Skyblue is right. Lots of praise when he's being good. Very little when he's being naughty.

Am intrigued by 123 magic. (Does it work on 14y olds?!)

Ooh I've got a threenager with selective hearing as well! I''ve got more sympathy than advice really - but do find that reminding him gently and OFTEN what's expected of him helps a bit eg 'Today we are going to try really hard keep the same pants all day...In 5 mins its bed time & we've got to...' etc etc. I try (and regularly fail) to remember that he is also genuinely completely engrossed in that car/small piece of paper/plastic/talking to himself often that he's not ignoring on purpose....

Purchased 1 2 3 magic last night and am majorly impressed with what I've read so far. One step forward two steps back tho' as I've just had a major paddy at ds1 for ripping up a bit of skirting board and swinging it at my head while I was on the phone . Oh well tomorrow's another day!

Glad you seem to like it. Hope it helps.

It is very difficult to keep the "No Emotion" bit in control at first when you're not used to it but it does eventually get easier.

says me, who also forgot myself & flew off the handle slightly today

We're all allowed to make mistakes and yes, tomorrow is another day.

Sounds like you need to ensure you follow through always. Don't get into lengthy discussions with him. He's used to getting away with things and ignoring you.

By the way, he behaves in the way he does because he can, you need to show him he can't. There's no need for smacking or anything like that, just day something once and mean it, if he doesn't follow through, you follow through.

My ds is similar, he's nearly 4 and dd is just one. I can never leave them alone, she will be screaming in moments. It has really helped me to focus on why he is behaving like this and try to meet that need rather than to punish or try to eliminate the behaviour. The 'how to talk so kids listen' book talked about this I think. Mostly I think my ds is trying to say he wants the mummy he had before back, and he doesn't know how to deal with this new person who takes up so much time and energy, so he has tantrums over stupid things and behaves badly instead. Clamping down didn't work for us as he just became more distressed and behaved worse. Lots and lots of positive attention has helped, and lots of one on one time at weekends.

1 2 3 magic is the digs doo-dahs! Been using it two days and already seeing changes! Best of all have not raised my voice, lost my temper or wanted to smack ds1 once !!! Amazing!

Yay. Isn't it great.

Don't worry if in a few days he starts pushing the limits again. My ds did this and I think he was just seeing if I would stick to this new thing I was doing.

After a couple of days we went back to it working again.