Very clingy 15 Month old

[Bet01]

DS has always been what you might call a 'high needs' baby. I've posted before about his hideous sleeping habits (still hideous but I've learned to live with them!) and part of his personality is this extreme clinginess with me. He's always been like it. I'm a SAHM and when he was tiny I couldn't put him down or he'd scream. Then he hated his buggy for a good six months, resulting in slinging him everywhere. Now that he can walk, he has to hold my hand ALL THE TIME.
Cooking dinner is a pain; I extricate my hand from his, and he has a screaming meltdown hanging onto my knees. I have to do everything one-handed, or in a sort of half-crouch, with a small boy grappling my legs.
I have to go to bed with him, lie by him and bf him to sleep, then he sleeps next to me all night. I also have to do this for his nap. If I leave him alone he wakes up very quickly and gets very upset with heaving sobs that take ages to calm.
As a result, I'm with him 24 hours a day. I never get an evening to myself or with DP and I'm getting quite frazzled and tired of it. DP is wonderful with him but works long hours during the week. At weekends he's happy to take him off my hands but I actually want time with DP too!
I've responded to his seemingly extreme physical need for me up to now because I thought it would help him become independent at his own pace, but it doesn't seem to be working. Is it time to get firm with him? Has anyone else got a DC like this? Help!

And one other thing to moan about is that because I'm in bed by 7pm every night, I never get to watch any telly. All I ever see is CBeebies. No wonder I'm going mental!

bet that sounds tough. Do you remember me from sleep threads? I have a 14mo DD who sounds less challenging although still waking at night but I'll let you know what works for me.

Can you introduce or use a comfort items and maybe saying that it's for when mummy can't be there, hopefully over time it would give him security? My DD loves her teddy blanket.

Also is there anyone who would have him for a bit? Family or friend? You could try leaving him for half hour at first, building the time up so he realises mummy always comes back. You do need a break from him every now and again.

Or set limits, right mummy is just going to chop this onion and then we will walk round the kitchen? Or wow let's look in these cupboards can you take all the tins out? Then when is distracted cook quickly?

With sleep and naps maybe if he gets attached to anything then you could leave that with him or just get your DP next to you in bed, snuggle up and eat popcorn and watch a movie til you want to sleep.

Hopefully it will pass. xxx

To be fair my ds is fine at night but he cries a lot during the day and it's be sues he wants me next to him at all times . Just saying I feel your pain ( a bit ) .

Hi Halo, yes I do remember you. Sorry you're still not sleeping either!
It's funny you should mention comfort items, because he's never shown any interest in them, or his thumb, even though I have tried to give him a soft teddy and things like that. I'm his comfort it seems. I will keep trying though.
I'm gradually leaving him for an hour now and again with his auntie which strangeley enough he's fine with.
The problem is actually more about when I'm there, he wants me 100% of the time. I think I do need to keep being firm and saying 'I'm just doing this, then we'll xxx' otherwise he's going to get worse I think.
I think it's just his personality. Sigh.

We have a 'high needs' one too, but she will stay asleep on her own in the evening now which is a big relief - so I feel some of your pain and sympathise with the rest. They are all different but what helped dd was making her cot really cosy - she lies on top of a duvet (well tucked in) in a snuggly sleeping bag, and has a box from her old mobile that plays soft music/sounds and glows. We used to start her off in there and then we'd cosleep after the first wake up, but for the last few months she's been sleeping through or happy to resettle in her cot if she wakes, after a bf.

With the cooking (with you there completely) something that - only sometimes! - works is giving dd really focussed attention for a bit beforehand and settling her into playing with something. I have also been known to cook dinner while wearing dd on my back, when desperate and unable to bear the screams any more...

I don't think you can reduce this sort of need by being firm. Pushing this kind of child away would probably just make him more anxious that you're going to disappear. If he thinks you're trying to get away from him he will stick to you like glue.

I think I would try to give him little jobs to do to help you so you're not trying to extricate yourself from him but encouraging him to be with you. If you're cooking put a few things in the sink next to you and ask him to help Mummy by washing up. Perhaps get him to put things in cupboards or give him a bowl of dried pasta and a spoon to mix it with.

Also get him to run errands for you. Ask him to take things to people and when he returns to you be pleased to see him.

He doesn't need another comfort object because you are filling that role for him. Could you try giving him a top that you've been wearing while he has a cuddle with Daddy? Then he takes the familiar smell and touch of you with him like a comfort object.

He is still very little. I wouldn't expect him to become more independent for another year or so TBH. I know lots of children naturally are but I don't think I'd decide that being there for him hasn't worked at this stage.

Thanks for your input everyone. Timandra I do see your point. I have to say that trying to let go of his hand does make him more upset and even though I do it fairly often (trying to pull my jeans up after going to the loo for example!) he doesn't seem to get used to me doing it. He gets just as upset now as he always did. I like the idea of giving him more things to help me with.
TBH I think I'd feel much happier if I had a couple of hours alone with DP every evening. Perhaps I should work on that. I do tend to just go to bed with him now out of habit, when I should probably try and leave him a bit more and see if he gets used to it. I'll try the suggestion of leaving an item of my clothing with him.
Thanks again everyone, I feel a bit more positive now!

Hello, Beto1, I know this thread is about your clingyness issues, but I have some help for the sleep! I have a 9 month old who slept badly,waking every two hours, I fed to sleep and she co-slept. I never wanted to do cry it out. Then I learnt a lot of stuff about how feeding to sleep, causes babies to wake more often. That babies actually wake because of fear and needing to be close to you, and that breastfeeding supresses the fears so they just rise up again two hours later!
I'm linking to an article of the method I followed, there was crying involved, but the article explains how this is not a bad thing, as this kind of crying, helps the child to express their fears and stresses. They are not crying because of abandonment, because you are right there with them My DD now sleeps through the night, and we still co-sleep, because we both love cuddles! Oh and my DH and I take turns putting her to sleep so I enjoy evenings in the kitchen listening to music while I tidy, which seems like a holiday from parenthood!

Listening to nursing children

OP, your descrition of the clingyness sounds so familiar! I have a similar problem, although not quite as bad as my nights sound a lot better. DD is 16 months and I spend most of the daytime either carrying her on my hip (which is getting increasingly difficult as she gets bigger) or letting her walk around holding my fingers. She's not walking independently yet. Getting anything done is a nightmare and cooking always involves her crying whilst tugging at my legs or collapsing on the floor, or trying to do it all one-handed. I can't imagine how you're coping with the sleep issues on top of it all. The daytimes are draining enough.
Timandra's advice sounds good.

Thanks Bagel, and sorry you're having similar issues. It doesn't help that DP worked ALL NIGHT last night and still isn't home. It's a long time on my own with DS, especially when the playgroups are all closed for half term. Gah!
DS can walk independently very well, he just chooses to not let go of my hand. It's so strange.
Still, he's cheered up a bit today so onwards and upwards!

Hi OP, me too here. DS is almost 15 mo and has been teething with the first molars for the past month or so and has been nicknamed 'velcro boy'. I don't have your evening problem though, I cosleep too, so I bf him to sleep at 8ish (or 10ish ) and then get up sharply and get some time for myself which tbh is the only thing keeping me sane. I'd say give that a go and you may be surprised!
Also second the idea of giving him something to cook while you do it, my ds loves flour and a bit of water.

oh, and forgot to say that it makes a hell of a difference if he's had plenty of excercise during the day!

I now have two children like this :(. One is nearly 4 and the other just one. No sign of the older one growing out of it, he even likes me there when watching tv and often still comes to the loo. I have just decided to try to meet that need for as long as I can in the hope of building a confident secure adult someday. However my sanity has really been helped by being able to put
both children down in the evenings - until last month I had to lie down with dd or else keep her in the sling all evening. My dh put her to sleep for a few nights and it made a huge difference, turns out the rules are different for him and he could leave her! Then that seemed to transfer to me too so now most evenings I have a couple of child free hours. Otherwise I have a little entourage following me everywhere all day, I have even been known to carry them both up the stairs. I do wonder frequently whether parenting is meant to be this hard but the alternative is a lot of crying and heartache which I don't want to put them through.

Hello K and Chocolate, thanks for letting me know you're in the same boat. Chocolate that sounds really hard. Is your 4 year old quite cautious by nature? I think that's at the root of why DS behaves as he does. He's very very suspicious of new foods, new places, although getting much better with new people thank goodness.
I could write a whole post about DS' weaning too, tbh; I wanted to stop bf by now, but DS doesn't really show any sign of wanting to stop. He's cut down in the day a bit, but evenings and through the night still as bad as ever. No wonder he hardly eats any solids.
Anyway, I guess I just have to stop comparing him to friends' kids, who seem to have 'grown up' much more quickly, and just continue to meet his needs.
I'm also going to try sneaking off and leaving him this evening and see if I can get an hour or two alone with DP .

I hope you are having some time for yourself right now!
My ds is not a very good eater either, although he is very adventurous so it's not fear of the unknown, it's just that he doesn't eat anythign in great quantity. And that he still prefers bm.
That, though, is actually very useful right now. When I see a tantrum-type thing coming I ask if he'd like some milk, he usually does and when he finishes all that was going on before is forgotten! I remember reading somewhere someone saying how 'useful' bfing was during the toddler years, I think this is what she meant!
choc that sounds hard, but you are doing wonders so if you can continue then why not. At 4 they are actually still very little, aren't they?