3yo causing havoc and pulling out all the stops in protest

[Flingy]

Any suggestions on how calm my 3yo DD when she whips herself into a complete frenzy, almost every night now. Her tactics include:

• the bog standard screaming like a banshee for (what seems like) an hour at a time
• peeing on us in protest, and I'm sure she'd poo too if she could summon it
• blowing snot out her nose, swiping you if you try to wipe it
• not staying in the 'time out' place and clinging to me like a limpet and clawing me when I try to put her down or close the door on her to keep her in her room.

It's like she's possessed and she is wearing us down to the point of emotional exhaustion. It's sometimes numerous times a day, usually always at bedtime. The rest of the time she is terribly headstrong and never likes to be told, or even suggestions as to what she should do, wear, go etc.

She has a 6yo sister who is (unfairly) getting told off by ratty parents and is usually delightful and kind.

Help.

It's hard but you have to be consistent and ignore the behaviour. Keep going till she gets te message. You need to work out why she's doing it. What happens immediately before and after she does it. Keep a log for a week then have a look and see if you can figure out if she wants something tangible, wants attention, is avoiding or is gettin something from it herself.

Read Sparklyboots's post on this thread about how to deal with the meltdowns. I think it holds equally well for a 3yo.

Can you predict situations in which she will tantrum (like bedtime) and work out strategies for them? Time warnings for bed time, favorite toy that lives in the bedroom etc.

Limited choices might work for things like clothes and what to do. E.g 'Would you like to wear this or that?' 'Would you like to play with this or that in the car on the way to Granny's? That one? Ok, I'll hand it to you once you've jumped in your car seat...'

Thanks for those suggestions. The choices usually are limited to a couple, but I'm not able to keep up with her changing tastes and often neither choice will do. Unfortunately, going out to nursery without clothes in this weather is not an option and we're against the clock so I run out of options and patience.

We do need to find a bedtime strategy that works, DH thinks that TV may be causing problems. They are able to watch 30 mins before bed (more in weekends/holidays) but DD (sometimes) kicks up a fuss when having to depart the lounge. Other times the tantrum comes with having to brush teeth, or maybe because she wants a third story - it's not one consistent trigger. I will start noting the specific triggers this week

Keeping a log of triggers and the consequences will help.

We found time out made this sort of thing worse so we made Ds sit on our lap for a minute. He was allowed to leave at the end belongs he apologized and did what we asked. The time out seemed to provoke a separation anxiety. Not sure it helps u but just a thought.

Time out defo doesn't help, but her ideal outcome from tantrum is to hug me and not do the thing she's supposed to do. Maybe hugs then try after a few minutes...

Rather than hugs perhaps sit her on your lap facing away. When she is calm say 'I'm glad you feel better, now it is time to get dressed' (or whatever she needs to do). If she says ok let her get up and do it. If she kicks off again gently hold her but don't communicate. If she says ok but gets up and then doesn't do it just sit her back down. When she has done what she needs to do give her loads of praise.

She should gradually learn that a) she has to do what you ask b) she can't make you 'flap' and c) she only gets fussed over when she's done what she needs to do.

Sounds a bit like my DD used to be. I found a few of things worked:

1. Make sure she's not hungry. DD would melt down to such a hysterical point if hungry that we could do virtually nothing with her. We just had to keep her topped up (3 good meals a day, plus 3-4 snacks - milk, raisens, crackers, toast, chicken, etc and not too much sugar as the crash was not pleasent). This kept her on a much more even keel and made life a lot easier
2. Weirdly we always found asking her to help us/giving her a job always helped - 'could you help mummy just tidy up the bathroom whilst we get you dressed for bed' - 'before we go up to bed could you help me put the dishes away'
3. Making it a competition still works now (she is 6 1/2). 'I bet you can't get up the stairs before me' 'I bet I can get my top of quicker than you can get your clothes off and get your night clothes on'. Worked a bloody dream and was a little piece of heaven for us when we discovered it.

Good luck with DD and I hope some of these tips work for you.

If you hug her, you are rewarding her for her behaviour.

Rewarding her only perpetuates the behaviour. Take a log, if it's because she wants attention, don't give t to her until she's behaving.

more sleep? earlier to bed?

Make a new rule. £0 mins TV not at night - instead have it in the morning and only if she goes to bed nicely and sleeps through.

30 mins not £0