Worried that my feelings about DDS (3) aren't normal.

[fullofregrets]

I didn't really know where to put this.

I have just seen another FB status fronm a friend about how wonderful, brilliant, amazing, remarkable, funny, beautiful and clever her DC (aged 3) is. I do not, and have never felt, any of those things about DS. A lot of the time I felt ashamed of him when he was first born and still occasionally feel it now.

I had a difficult pregnancy and birth, followed by an infection post c-section. Struggled to feed him and he was a colicy baby who would cry for up to five hours every evening. He slept very badly, even now he does not sleep through, and was regularly up five or six times a night for two years. This made him overtired and difficult. He is and was easily over stimulated. Instead of being worn out he just becomes manic and won't sleep. I found it extremely hard to bond with him. I felt very much like I had drawn the short straw and that everyone must pity me for having a child like him. All my friends' babies were easier it seemed. They were smiley, they slept, they fed. It seemed we struggled with everything. My mother does not like my DH and she would say things like "He's got a temper like his dad." and "I told you not to marry him, you shouldn't have had a baby."
This did not help.

Gradually over time I began to feel better about DS, he began to sleep a little better and get more personality. I do now love him absolutely, but it took about two years to get here. DH was largely unsupportive I felt, he never gave me a night off to get some sleep (think sleep deprivation played a major part in how I felt) and would say "Trust us to get a crap baby." Basically it all fed into my feelings that DS was somehow inferior.

Most of the time I think I have gotton over my feelings about DS but I do wonder if sometimes there is some residual resentment and disappointment left over. I think 70% of the time I feel how I should but general I still think he is inferior to other children, (I know it's awful and damaging). I don't think he is as clever, or as attractive. I don't tell him these things but I often think he is a bit "thick" and not very nice looking. I know this can't be right, I think I put on a pretty good act of everything being ok and don't think I show these feelings to DS because I do know logically that my feelings aren't rational and that DS should not have to suffer for my shortcomings as a mother.

I don't really know where I am going with this, I just sometimes feel like I'm still depressed and struggling even though DS was three a couple of weeks ago. I don't even know where I'd go for help, I have an irrational fear they'd take DS away from me if I approached the Dr. I never had treatment for PND because I would not admit how awful things were. I felt like I had to pretend everything was ok and that I was like everyone else.

It isn't normal to feel like this is it? I would never admit these feelings IRL.

Oh wow I think it does sound normal - as mothers we all doubt ourselves and we are under so much pressure.

I don't think yOu should compare him to others, my son has beautiful features but an odd complexion and I fear he may not be tall but no baby is perfect!!

Maybe he is 'thick' but couldn't you help him with marts/reading? Will help bond with him and will resolve what you feel are shortcomings

Maybe you can talk to a therapist?

I really do think your feelings are normal though (if that hel

Go to a doctor, please, no one will take your DS away because of it.

I would think birth trauma, PND and an unsupportive husband will have a lot to do with it.

I had struggled with disliking my DS as times as he looks like and seems to have inherited some of wanker ex's character traits- it was easier for me to recognise that, though.

But wtf is it about your husband never taking care of your son at night? Tbh I'm not sure if your mother isn't right in not liking him.

I didn't go to the gp with my PND until my DS was 3. They were really supportive. I was prescribed a low dose of ADs and they helped. Counselling is also helpful - it is a safe place to vent your feelings and they are bond to confidentiality unless a child is in danger which in your case they are not.

It sounds like your early years with your DS were not easy and this is bound to have affected how you view that time and your baby. It must be hard to have such a demanding baby and an unsupportive husband and mother, am quite angry for you about that!

Does your mum still say such negative things about your DS? He's old enough to understand what she is saying about him now!

Your ds sounds fine, if tiring. Your husband and mother, on the other hand, need to take a good look at themselves.

To clarify - i can understand your mum not liking your husband as he sounds like a dick but saying your little son is like him in a negative way is not on!

You need to sort these feelings out now....while it's normal to compare your children with others, in DS's nursery some kids can work a computer and write their name while mine cant but it's not healthy to feel that they are inferior because of things like this.

Winnybella sums it up re: birth, PND and an unsupportive husband. Maybe get some family therapy to and get some sleep for yourself and make DH help out more, it's really important for your overall emotional health to get some rest and 'me' time

yes listen to Winny, she is v wise

You have to remember as well that for fb or even talking in real life, most people write something like "Ds wrote his name for the first time. Proud mummy. Love you lots xxx"

Otherwise translated as "Ds did a scribble (or possibly the first letter of his name) which he said was his name. That took 5 minutes of a 15 hour day of which I spent the most of the time separating him from fighting with his sister, putting him in time out (where he just got straight back out again). I have screamed so loudly at him that my voice has given out, and have a huge headache and can't wait for bedtime when he will get up 20 times before he goes to sleep and then get up at 5am for the next day..."

Does that help?

PMSL DeWe, think you're spot on

OP you are sooo normal, all the perfect mothers and perfect children fake it.

You do have a point DeWe but the difference is most people then wouldn't presume their kid to be thick or inferior. You realise that kids progress at their own pace and each have their own differing talents.

The point is that kids need to be parented it in a realitively encouraging, positive manner and it seems that because of some personal issues the OP needs help to deal with her complex feelings towards her son before any lasting damage is done

Definitely time to see the GP I think. Don't worry, but does sound like fairly normal PND. Take care :)

I think it's normal to feel like a crap mother. I think it's normal to struggle with parenting and with lack of sleep, even to feel a little resentment at times, especially with pnd.

However, it is not normal to think your child is thick, not very nice looking and inferior to others.

Imagine if this was from the son's point of view when he is older 'as a child I always felt my mum thought I was thick and unattractive and inferior to others'!!! Everyone would be calling you a toxic mother.

Definitely gp and counselling, for your son's sake. He wont be taken from you for thinking not very nice things.

You need to start concentrating on his positives. For starters he's only 3, you really can't tell at this age if he will be academic or not. He will excel in something with the right support and encouragement. There are different types of intelligence too.

What are his good points? Just because he isn't a placid little smiled doesn't mean his characteristics are inferior. Is he determined, strong willed, knows his own mind? I would love him for what he is. You should be his strongest advocate not his biggest critic.

You need to stand up to your mum & partner and put them in their place.

Sounds like you have had a very tough time. You probably need to see a doctor. I have 3 kids and all have different abilities. One of them is not academic at all but he has some great talents in other areas. Some "bright" kids/adults are a disaster in other ways so don't focus on intelligence. Encourage his good points - his determination for example. Maybe he can socialise well or he might be a fast runner. Concentrate on the positives.

Also, parents with mental health problems can transfer them to their child so it is really important for you to get some help.

I also think that people who post on FB about how wonderful their kids are probably exaggerating and only post on the positives. They aren't going to say "Darling Johnny has been whinging all day and smacked the kid from next door on the head" Take no notice.

Good luck.

I am in a rush so will be back to post properly later. Just wanted to say though - one thing in your OP about people's FB status saying how amazing their DC is....

FB brings out the worst in people. I have a friend who I've had to 'hide' as I just can't bear every self satisfying update. It is nauseating and irritating in equal measures. She is a bit overbearing in RL but basically FB brings out the worst in her. When I had PND she would have tipped me over the edge, but luckily our child bearing years are out of sync.

Have a think about whether those people boasting are really having those feelings or if in fact they're just sinking as much as you but don't want to let on?

I know someone who's marriage is seriously in trouble but she often posts on FB about what a wonderful husband and family she has. "Love you babe" etc on their anniversary. Privately she tells me that she is close to leaving him!

God yes - usually with photos of something their 'lovely' husband has made for dinner or a gift he's bought. All just shyte really.

Having come back and read the thread properly I have nothing further to add, but stay away from that FB!

OP, my son sounds very similar to yours re sleep and screaming etc. In my darkest moments I have fleetingly thought something similar to the crap baby comment although I have never said it out loud. I have pnd and ptsd from his birth and did not bond with him. I have issues from my mother too.

I have had therapy and it has really really worked for me. He still doesn't sleep and is being refered for speech delay (so hardly the dream perfect child) but I feel very positive about him and our relationship now.

Feeling scared of the doctor, they will take him away etc is all part of the oddness going on in your head. Please ask for help from somewhere, therapists have heard much worse than this.

Oh fullofregrets I know how you feel. We had a screamy, clingy, grumpy, hard to please baby. Everyone else I knew with babies had easy, smiley babies and a lot more support around them than we had. I just didn't seem fair and it's so hard not to compare. I lived on mumsnet (under a different name) posting constantly about my concerns and why my baby was so different to everyone elses. DS1 became a grumpy, highly strung older baby until around the age of 2 and half when gradually he eased up and bacame gernerally fabulous but a lot of the early insecurities remained for a long time. I would dread people coming over and noticing how 'different' or hard work he was. I always looked at other toddlers and babies with envy. I constantly felt cheated and robbed of a happy child and a happy parenting experience. For us it was just hard work!

The good news is that DS1 is now nearly 5 and is genuinely the light of my life. I don't know what changed, a lot of it was us just warming to him and his age making him more reasonable and easier to manage etc. He's clever and articulate and funny. Still headstrong and fairly argumentative but not constantly hard work. He is a beautiful, highly sensitive, gentle little boy who does well at school and is just so sweet. I never ever thought he'd become the lovely child he is. I used to dread and worry he'd become somekind of problem child.

Even when he started nursery school age 3 I remember panicking thinking he'd be hard work for the teachers and he'd not react well to the transition. I'd compare him to all the happy go lucky smiley kids going in to the class and just feel such dispair that mine wasn't like that. It wasn't true at all. Somewhere along the way he became 'normal' whatever that means and never had any trouble. The issues were with ME not him anymore.

I don't compare him to his classmates anymore. I accept that he is very attached to me but that's not a bad thing. He still needs reassurance before I leave him at school, probably more than some but as long as he's happy I don't care. I think it's great that you have acknowledged your feelings. I don't think I ever did. It's only now I look back and feel so terribly guilty for all my negative thoughts about him. I hate that he has become so lovely and I wasted so much time feeling like he wasn't good enough.

I don't have much advice other than it will get better. You sound like a lovely mum. Maybe counselling would help deal with your feelings. I wish I had done something back then to help but I wasn't even aware that what I was doing was damaging to our relationship or certainly my relationship with him. If only I had known then what I know now and how he fills me with joy. Oh what I would do with that knowledge! But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

DS2 is now here and is 5 months old and I have to say I am struggling with the baby bit all over again. I know a lot of it is left over feelings of panic from DS1. When he cries I can't help but compare him to happy, calm babies. I hate that he is more whingy than most and I deserpately wanted to enjoy it this time. I am seeking counselling myself to stop it before it gets worse. Sorry I can't be more help. Just wanted you to now you're not alone.

Oh and I regularly thought that DS1 was 'thick' or not as developed as other children. I would look at their drawings at play groups and compare constantly, even the way he held a pencil was 'wrong' to me. Running, I would always compare his running (to be fair he still runs like a loon now but I think it's cute!). Bottom line is I was embarrassed by him. I always thought he was/ is beautiful looking though so I am not sure whether those feelings about your ds not being attractive are 'normal' or not. I would say they are. Who is to say we should all think our children are beautiful? I now even think DS2 isn't as attractive as DS1 was as a baby (I'm hopeless I know!).

It does sound like it would be a good idea for you to be able to talk over how you are feeling with someone impartial. Your GP is not going to see those feelings as a reason to make a SW referral (and SW would not act on that in any event).

Those facebook status from people going on about how fabulous their lives are do make me wonder if they are really OK, I think that DeWe has hit the nail on the head.

I think you need to get some help. Your negativity towards your son is potentially damaging for both of you. My mother could have written everything you have written.

Please see a GP. While my son (and now DD) are bloody hard work as babies (no more than 2 hours sleep in a row for months, ds didn't sleep through until 1 but not consistently until closer to 2. They had/have reflux and fought sleep constantly), I didn't feel that they themselves were rubbish or other babies were better as they were mine. I think the feeling that your son is thick or ugly isn't right and you know it too.

They won't take your baby away. You need help, so please ask.

I can't help but wonder how much affect it has had having your mum around who has been openly negative about your son being like his dad, something which he can't help of course (do you think your thought patterns could be learnt behaviour from her?) . . .

And your husband who has also been openly negative about your son, calling him a crap baby and also having completely and utterly failed you by lack of support. Not a single nights rest!? To do so little . . . what a fucking arsehole! He doesn't deserve to be called a father!

I would dump them both.