Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

14MO DS frantic tantrums biting / goes rigid HELP

24 replies

lepetitchoufleur · 04/06/2012 21:46

Hi gosh I hope someone here has experienced this! My DS 14 months suddenly has started having what I can only describe as temper tantrums where he cries proper heaving sobs, pushes against me and DH with his hands and feet so we have a real struggle not to drop him, flings himself backwards going really rigid so again we have a real struggle not to drop him, sometimes pulls my hair, pulls on parts of my face (nose is a fav) and bites me. Mostly me. He doesn't do these last bits to others so much. I have no idea what brings this on and what to do! At the moment I put him down if he bites or pulls hair / face then pick him up again for cuddles / sing songs / speaking soothingly to him which seams to work eventually but I feel totally out of my depth here. Do you guys have any experience of this and what did you do?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
winnybella · 04/06/2012 21:49

Sounds like a normal tantrum. Put him down/ say 'no' firmly to hitting and biting...um...and console yourself that it won't last for more than a year or two?

BlackOutTheSun · 04/06/2012 21:51

I'm marking my place as this is my 15 month old

lepetitchoufleur · 04/06/2012 22:04

A YEAR OR TWO? Aw plums. :o( Ha ha BlackOut feeling my pain eh?

OP posts:
BlackOutTheSun · 04/06/2012 22:08

Oh yes! DD today was stamping her feet and threw herself on the floor because she was trying to pick up her sandwich with her toothbrush Hmm

Its way too early for the terrible twos...

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 04/06/2012 22:11

sounds normal to me! Try to put him down without dropping him, then stroke him and soothe him until he calms down then give him a cuddle.

As he gets more verbal snd can express his needs it should stop!

lepetitchoufleur · 04/06/2012 22:12

Yup.

OP posts:
sleepdodger · 04/06/2012 22:18

This could have been me too Hmm

BlackOutTheSun · 04/06/2012 22:22

I've tried hugging dd, but it seems to wind her up even more [confuse]

Sparklyboots · 04/06/2012 22:32

My DS is 17mo and started tantruming around 14mo. It's either 'inexplicable' or some minor misdemeanor of mine, such as not letting him pick up dog poo, which sets him off. However, whatsoever the source of the outburst, I tend to assume that his experience of total-body, all-consuming rage is genuine so respond with sympathy - basically I 'contain' him til it's over and comfort him when he's coming out of it. I try to speak to him in a way that shows him I understand and feel sympathy for his feelings (which in no way means he can pick up the poo, as it were).

It's probably an age thing (rather than because of my 'interventions') but the tantrums are definitely less potentially self-destructive - he hasn't tried to throw himself out of my arms for ages, for example, - and I think it's probably a combination of my being practiced and him continuing to grow, but he rarely has hurt me with biting/ etc. (though he did today - I used my standard line 'Even if you are very cross with mummy, you mustn't bite')

I don't want to put him down or sanction him because I don't want him to think his overwhelmingly difficult emotions will make me walk away from him. I want him to know that there is nothing about him so terrible it can push me away. I also think two of us getting het up is hardly going to help the situation, so I try not to panic, or show him I feel out of control or worried - I just try to let him know I'm concerned for him but not about the situation.

I think tantrums are (a) par for the course (b) not within the child's capacity to prevent or stop and (c) horrifying most of all for the tantrumer (yes, even when he's chosen to do it in a supermarket isle just as MIL comes round the corner). So with that in mind, I tend not to try to react too much or take it as a reflection on my parenting, but do try and help him get through it with minimal fuss. That's what I'd recommend, really, - trust your child is going through an appropriate stage; know that a care giver who works to calm him will teach him to calm himself; keep him safe and loved while he goes through this stage which must be terrifying for him; remember it's developmental and not personal; remember that all children want to be like the adults they love and so don't want to use tantrums etc. to get their needs met.

Otherwise, I can really recommend a constant drip-feed of raisins, apples, toast fingers, yoghurt, nutty bars, strawberries etc. because a little bit hungry = really quite mardy in our house. And distraction BEFORE the event. If it can be predicted...

Psychopsilocybin · 04/06/2012 22:37

My nearly 15m old started doing this about 2 months ago. Whenever he went rigid and started flailing around I would place him on the floor away from furniture and let him get it out. Once he stopped I would then distract him with a toy in case he attempted to restart the tantrum. Once he was back to his normal self, I would give him a cuddle and let him get on with playing.

It stopped after a couple of weeks.

lepetitchoufleur · 05/06/2012 12:34

I'm liking all of these, thanks guys.

OP posts:
EBDTeacher · 05/06/2012 13:06

Great, great post Sparklyboots.

I take the same approach when my DS has a meltdown. If he is struggling/ hitting I sit him in my lap facing away from me and hold him in a firm but gentle bear hug until he is calm. I don't talk to him while he is mid-crisis but once he is calm I try to label his emotion for him: 'DS you felt very disappointed that I wouldn't let you pick up the dog poo. I know you wanted to know what it felt like but dog poo is dirty and playing with it could make you ill. Being disappointed is a horrible feeling but now you feel better we can play with x...'

Sometimes I might skip the long spiel and just go with 'You felt disappointed, I know that isn't nice'.

DS is only 21mo and can't process this yet and neither will yours but I think it's never too early to start building their emotional recognition. It is the platform for emotinal regulation and eventually empathy.

EBDTeacher · 05/06/2012 13:10

That last bit was to the OP- sorry, not clear.

happydotcom · 05/06/2012 20:47

My ds has started these at the ripe age of 11 months!

Today was because he didn't want his dirty nappy changing and wanted to play . Cue screaming, hitting , sobbing etc whilst trying to escape fom the changing mat.

Terrible ones in this house:(

Psychopsilocybin · 05/06/2012 22:59

happydotcom if your DS starts to regularly tantrum at every nappy change, place the nappy near him a few minutes before you change him. He can then anticipate nappy changes and, although he may still complain, the sudden change from playing may not cause him to have a full blown tantrum. I started this with my DS as he would make nappy changes impossible. He may whinge slightly but he now knows what is coming each time and is slowly improving.

happydotcom · 06/06/2012 06:47

Thank you , psycho! I'll certainly try that one. :)

iMoniker · 06/06/2012 07:05

I disagree with favouring a tantrum by giving a child a cuddle/soothing them until they settle down.

I think ignoring the tantrum and putting the child in a pre-defined, enclosed safe spot is a better way of dealing with tantrums. At the age of 14 months this could be their cot - if they cannot get out of it, or their bedroom or a spot in the loungeroom where they cannot injure themselves. By ignoring the tantrum, the child is learning that tantrums are an unacceptable means of obtaining attention.

EBDTeacher · 06/06/2012 07:23

A toddler is not learning anything during a tantrum. They are not processing anything- just feeling a massive, overwhelming emotion that they are not yet able to self regulate. There is nothing planned or manipulative about it in a very young child.

naturalbaby · 06/06/2012 07:35

My 16 month old has just had a massive one:woke up early,took him downstairs to get some milk but I put a couple of dishes away as he was sitting quietly...milk arrives-meltdown. I put him back in his cot, closed the door then went back after a minute to start the morning again. He gave me a big cuddle and is now back to 'normal'!

Sparklyboots · 07/06/2012 00:46

I see the logic of 'not rewarding a tantrum' but I don't think they are primarily strategies for attention or reward - and if I did, I'd probably be more inclined to work on why my baby felt his only way of getting such things was through tantruming rather than refusing to acknowledge him in them. I do cuddle and soothe, but don't 'give in' to whatever he is flipping out about, so he will learn as he gets older that tantrums don't mean he will get his own way. I also think that putting down and walking away demonstrates a lack of interest in him in a moment of great distress - and I don't buy 'it's not the baby but the behaviour' that you're ignoring because I don't see how the baby can make this subtle distinction when fundamentally, I have walked away from him AND his behaviour. Naturalbaby I'm sure such strategies can 'work' to stop tantrums in the long run but in relation to my own son I am not convinced short term cessation of tantrums is worth long term doubts in his mind as to whether I'll walk away from him in a moment of emotional crisis.

naturalbaby · 07/06/2012 17:18

sparklyboots that one particular strategy worked for one of my children in that one incident - I don't do that for all of my children every time they have a tantrum, we are a talking and cuddling household. I'm not suggesting it's the one and only method or that it should be used for other toddlers but sometimes nothing else works and there is nothing else you can do except ensure the toddler's safety.
I walked away from my son in a moment of emotional crisis to stop me from loosing the plot and to stop him from injuring himself.

lepetitchoufleur · 08/06/2012 10:39

Interesting, very interesting. HIs tantrums are getting better with soothing words and I'm sort of doing a combo of the above. If its a mild tantrum cuddles and words, full blown biting job in the cot, strokes and soothing words. Seems to be working. Lots of praise for going to bite then deciding not to as well.

OP posts:
EBDTeacher · 08/06/2012 11:17

DS went through a phase of hitting us when he was angry. DH and I talked about it and decided instead of getting cross we would do a very exaggerated 'sad/hurt' response. (We really ham it up Grin)

DS started off by mirroring our sad response (so his head would go down and he would withdraw with his mouth in a little rainbow Sad ). Now we see him raise his arm to hit when he is angry but them he looks at us and stops himself. Sometimes he doesn't catch himself in time and does hit us but as soon as we look sad he stops and strokes and kisses the place he's hit. Seems to really take the sails out of his anger and he is learning the impact his actions have on others- not just that it is 'naughty' to hit.

(NB we didn't start this til 19mo or so. I'm not sure a 14mo could process it or have the impulse control to stop themselves- probably individual variations in when that develops .)

chocolatetester1 · 09/06/2012 21:33

Tantrums - such fun. All I can say is DH and I have used the phrase 'calm down' (said soothingly) so much that DS has added it to his vocab (19 months). Oh the shame!
So no help, but you're not alone!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page