18 mo rejection - DS prefers his CM

[matana]

I love the fact that my DS goes happily and freely to other people. He's sociable, happy, outgoing and, for the most part, very adaptable and completely fine with change.

Although he goes 37 hours to the CM, i work from home two days a week and have spent a lot of time with him recently because his CM has been on holiday - she came back on Tuesday.

The last few days when i go to collect him, he's clingy with her, turns away from me when she tries to hand him over, tightly clings to her and blatantly doesn't want me and certainly doesn't want to come home. He has ended up in tears. Today was the final straw - she had to bring him out to the car herself because he wouldn't let go of her. I spent the whole 20 minute journey home in floods of tears. I'm really not a possessive parent, but feel very unloved at the moment and wonder if it's because i don't spend enough time with him.

Has anyone else's LO gone through a similar phase (if it is a phase of course, and not permanent)? Please give me some reassurance that he still loves me and it will pass.

My DS went through a similar phase with his key worker at nursery when he was that age. It broke my heart and I had the same feelings as you have described. He was always fine with me at home though and now (age 3) he cries being taken to nursery and cries when I take him
home! I can't win!

It is a phase so don't worry, as long as the time you do spend with DS is quality time you'll be fine. He's obviously very loved and I can assure you loves you back! X

I had to carry ds out kicking and screaming as he didn't want to go home with me on several occasions. I can laugh about it now, but at the time had visions of social services coming to inspect me as clearly he didn't want to come home .
In my more rational moment, I realised it was that he was having a lovely time at the CMs, and that was a good thing, but I empathise, as it's hard at the time.
Oh, he's almost 16 now, and still loves me lots sometimes

Your childminder should know better than to be holding him when she lets you in. I always make sure babies and young children are in a seat or on the floor when parents arrive so that the child doesn't have to choose between us in that way. Obviously I'll still cuddle them if at that time they need it for any reason.

This isn't about whether he loves you. He most definitely does! This is about your arrival being unexpected, interrupting what he was doing and him objecting to it. I have had children from babies to pre-teens doing this when their mums arrive including some who moan about having to be here in the first place. It can really worry and confuse parents.

He's probably having a lovely time as a previous poster says and in just unsettled by you suddenly appearing. I bet there are other things you take him away from that he objects to which don't make you worry about whether he loves you. Would you think he didn't love you if he cried when you took him out of a ball pool? Could it be that this in particular is worrying you more because you feel guilty about him being with a childminder in the first place?

OMG, I'm quite shocked that he goes for 37 hours at 18 months! Could you cut down your hours? Don't you miss him? I work too and use a CM but they only go for a few hours a week. I would miss them terribly if I was apart from them that long. Sorry, not much advice here, but you (and your ds) are really missing out being together :(

2cats are you offering to pay the op's mortgage, her bills, her pension, maintain her place in the work place, give her promotions, clothes for her Ds? No?

my DS went through a phase when he didn't want to leave his CMs -actually he is 6 now and still isn't that happy about leaving -at least part of it was that he is not very good with change - I think I did a bit of you can have some sweets when we get in the car at one point
its a GOOD thing he is attached to her - it means she is doing a good job -probably the clingness is to do with her having been away

2cat - not in the least helpful - you have no idea of the circumstances - and I have known children at this age say prefering their fathers who certainly didn't spend that much time together

ugh 2cats

mantana it's not that he doesn't want to go with you, or that he prefers her over you, no way. It'll be more like he's having fun, and having no idea of time as he's so young, all he can understand is suddenly fun is interrupted.

The CM needs to start preparing him - ''soon Mummy will be here, then home time, hurrah'' etc

Is there any chance that you could collect bang on time for the next few weeks, so that the CM can be asked to get him ready - coat, shoes, bag and go - rather than have to stop play for collection, faff with belongings etc. Ask for her to give you a quick resume of his day by phone later in the day if she doesn't do a daily diary rather than a run-down at the doorstep (if that's what you do)

Don't be alarmed, you are his world, you truly are x

2cats, here, have a . I don't feel like justifying my "choice" of working (almost) full-time tonight, so I'll just respond to matana... DS (15 months) also loves his CM, we had a couple of weeks when he was teething and getting over a cold and he was very whingy with me but happy at the CM. I think it was the distraction of having the other children around, and doing the school run, which he loves. However, I felt very jealous of her, and wondered if I can't make him happy anymore. I think Timandra is spot on, try not to take it personally (says she, who did just that), I'm sure it's like you taking him away from the playground.

Could your CM maybe prepare him a bit before you collect him, tell him that
"mummy is coming" or put his shoes on, or anything that would get him in the "home" mindset, so he is aware playtime will end soon?

I really empathise with the guilt but please don't feel unloved.

Jog on 2Cats.

Really 2Cats - I suggest if you don't have anything supportive to say when someone asks for reassurance, as they are obviously feeling a bit upset, then it's better you don't post at all - have you no feelings ?

Loads of dc go to CMs or Nursery for 50 hours+ a week and grow up into well balanced, well adjusted, loving children. Bully for you if you have the option to just put in a few hours at work - that's not reality for a lot of people.

matana you've have some good suggestions here about perhaps having a chat with your CM to find a way to make the changeover a bit easier - counting down / warnings it's nearly time to stop playing at CMs, and getting all ready to go in his coat, bag packed, etc. Hope that helps a bit

Hi OP. I've worked as a nanny for many years. With one family I looked after their youngest dd from age 6 weeks Monday to friday 8am till 5.30pm. Around the same age she got very clingy to me when I was supposed to finish for the day. This phase followed me being away on holiday! Basically for a short time I would have all my stuff ready just before her dad got home, and then just hand her to him and walk out. She settled back down again quite quickly.

I suspect the CM being away upset his routine, he didn't like that and now is all clingy cos he's worried she'll go away again. He'll adjust soon enough. He loves you very much but also has a bond with his CM, as you'd hope and expect .

Also I spent 10 years working 50 hours a week looking after another family. The dc were used to mum and dad working 50 hour weeks and mum frequently being away. They are very well adjusted young people who love their parents very much. The number of hours a child spends in child care are not necessarily important, it's the quality of the child care and the quality of time spent with parents that's important. I hope you're not too worried about attitudes like 2cats. Just because your situation doesn't suit her doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it .

Seriously 2cats that is incredibly unhelpful.

But rather than tackling that comment, let me sympathise with you OP. These toddlers are tricky.

My son started calling my DH "mama" at about 18mo when DH did a few night shifts sleeping with him. (I had breastfed this child every 1.5hrs for 16mo.) I was really hurt and he kept it up for a couple of weeks shouting "mama" with a big hug for DH all the time and "mama" (bored voice) for me.

Then he switched back to mama and dada as normal one day.

He also went through a stage of clinging to a nursery worker when his dad picked him up from time to time. My DH was very hurt too as he is totally brilliant and spends lots of time with his son reading to him and generally taking 50% of the parenting duties.

But as someone said up thread, I think he was just very busy - he is always Very Busy Indeed - and got annoyed at his game being interrupted. Then got cross and cried. Then it was all about the crying rather than the initial stimulus.

I think this is likely to be a stage. In the meantime, maybe there are nice things you can do around your current schedule that would make you feel good about things. Bath time with lots of splashing and singing together? Races up and down the garden/corridor? Lots of stories?

Oh and just to add, the suggestion that your DS may have been unsettled by your CM holiday may also be a good one. He may simply think that when he goes home, things will be all different again when he comes back.

Thank you all so much for your reassurance and helpful suggestions. I have a lot more perspective having spent the last couple of days with him and looking forward to another two lovely days in his company.

This has only been happening a few days, so i'll see what he's like next week and talk to his CM if i'm still worried. Tbh, the times i pick him up he's been very tired and has fallen asleep in the car on the way home, which probably has something to do with it. I've noticed that this episode has coincided with some other different behaviour which i am putting down to his growing independence. For example, i am struggling more at mealtimes than at any time in the past. He has always eaten literally anything, but has become more choosey. His language skills seem to have improved hugely literally overnight, he's doing things he couldn't do a week ago and has been having more tantrums (which have settled down again this week). And thinking about it, when at home he is also showing a preference for me (poor DH!) and i've had lots of lovely cuddles again. I guess he's just going through a difficult phase because he's no longer a baby - welcome to the world of toddlerhood i think!

His CM is pretty good on the whole and usually tries to employ the tactics some of you have described. I would rather he has a good bond with her than cries inconsolably when i leave him. That would make me feel a lot worse i'm sure.

And yes, 2cats, i do miss him terribly and have had a very hard time settling back into work (a highly pressured environment at present) after mat leave because of it. So yes, some of it no doubt is guilt. And i'm sure many of the other parents who have responded positively to me will also identify with that. Like others, i don't feel the need to justify my circumstances, i can only assume that you are in a very fortunate position in life. Thankfully, most people are not as judgemental as you.

My dd went thru exactly the same stage and she still does it sometimes when I get home from work. I know that you may think it has got something to do with you but it doesn't so please don't worry. It will pass. All of the posters have given great input that I have read with interest. Aside from one of course the 'OMG I'm shocked' comment that was most irritating...

Mine did the same and as he got older used to add 'I don't like you mummy'. Luckily he did it to everyone who came and disturbed him when he was settled with someone else I.e. The nanny in the morning, daddy or me in the evening, so I knew not to take it personally. I think it's a great sign that he is attached to his cm, lucky LO to have a range of people who care for him that he feels happy with and attached to, what a great way to spend your days.