Husband unable to deal with baby crying

[gloucestergirl]

I'm not sure where to put this, but as it is about baby crying and how to deal with it thought here would be good enough.

In a nut shell: we have a 3 month old who is gorgeous but does throw the odd screaming fit - usually because she is tired. I have tried to introduce a bed-time routine and it has been a bit of an ordeal. She really fights sleep if we miss the cues.

Anyway, my husband just can't handle the crying. It really upsets him after a few minutes (DD can go on for over an hour). He gets very tense and angry, so I end up with the baby again to soothe. As she is getting older I think that she is sensing how upset he is so gets more upset herself, and so starts a vicious circle.

I have tried everything to help DH to calm down, techniques to help him cope, a stern 'pull yourself together' talk, offered sympathy. But I am knackered. I deal with her from the early mornings to the bedtime. DH helps out during the easy/fun times. I need him to help during the tough times too. But it is actually at the point where I don't trust him with her alone when she is crying. I am actually ashamed to admit that he loses his temper with her and has started swearing at her. Also any advice is interpreted as a telling-off.

Has anyone else had any experience of this and suggestions of how to deal with it?

The theory goes that you are so distressed by the crying because you are focusing on your own painful feelings, rather than working out what you can do for your baby. Sorry I really can't remember where I read this but it made a lot of sense to me at the time.

He's going to have to find a way to not be his dad - in my case, me not be my mum, its been hard but I really feel I've largely escaped from that pattern of behaviour.

I had never heard about that theory before 'focusing on/feeling own pain from childhood', but makes huge sense for me too. My DH had a lot of stress and difficult emotions around him during very early childhood and was eventually abandoned by his crap dad. He eventually realised that this was what was upsetting him and not our DS.

He was kind of unknowingly following in his dads painful footsteps until we had long, good old fashioned, talks about it. Don't always need counseling but could help if DH is willing (often people can be reluctant). I do believe its worth a try to tackle as a couple. Isn't your responsibility but if you cope more easily why not use tact and the love you have for him and try to help your partner.

Some tough love approaches on here too though. You'll know which one is likely to work best for you...

I second the suggestion of giving him an ipod to listen to or some ear defenders if he can't take the crying! worked for us!

Oh mewkins I am so glad we're not the only ones. I was afraid we would sound like heartless parents but really it was just about survival :)

My daughter did that at 3 months it was awful. They do cry when they are tired and this daily crying time is common. It may or may not be to do with colic as well.

All this 'rocking them to sleep'/ 'feeding to sleep'/ 'stroking head'/ 'soothing' stuff did not work for us with either of our daughters. I unfortunately didn't manage to breastfeed either but definitely they would not bottle feed to sleep they just screamed cos they were tired not hungry.

With DD2 the only way we could get her to sleep was to put her down in her cot screaming, walk away for 5 minutes. Then after 5 minutes go back in pick her up, soothe her and she would go to sleep. We discovered this accidentally when having been trying to soothe her while she screamed for 20 minutes one of us started to lose it, and had to put her down and walk away. It was as if she needed that time to scream, it was just horrible and went against everything you ever read.

I'm sure someone will come along and say that she would have been better off screaming for 2 hours being held by me or dh and by putting her down for a few minutes I will have damaged her for life but to me a crying baby is an upset baby so I disagree. I think people forget very fast what it is like having a very young baby.

I hated it but it does pass she's now 5 months and goes to bed happily with barely a wimper. The problem is that you can rock them/feed them but you can't actually make them sleep. Both of mine had to learn to self settle as it was the only way they would sleep. DD1 was easier because she was impossible to soothe to sleep at all and learnt to self settle at about 8 weeks I fell about laughing when one of the girls at nursery told me at 11 months they had tried to rock her to sleep (it didn't work unsurprisingly).

Of course all babies are different.......

Exactly the same as my husband - the things he has said in anger I wouldn't repeat. The only thing that helped a bit is when he meets with other dads, and they talk and share experiences. Is there a dads club near you. Then he may realise that your baby isn't the only one that cries. Babies are usually better when they are out as well.

Feeling your pain. Xx

Narmada, how old was your baby when he stopped crying so much? Mine has severe reflux too although it is now under control (8 months), and only today my husband was threatening to fake report us to social services in the hope they take her away (hopefully joking but not too sure!).

OP, my DH was exactly the same. On some cases he would put DS in crib and come downstairs saying he couldn't deal with it. He knw that pissed me off and I had stern words about we can't both behave like that so why should he.
He really struggles to understand that you need to teach babies to sleep and over tiredness is a huge deal for them. Our DS also had colic for first 3 months and annoyingly is still awful sleeper (now 8m)
Pleased to say though that DH is much better at dealing with him when crying most of the time and we try to relieve eachother if it goes on for over 30 min. The record is 3 hours (and yes he was cuddled, rocked, sung to, laid down etc in that time not left on his own for more than a few min)
He finds it hard that DS will often stop much quicker for me but I bf and am SAHM so do 90% of tme with DS. He understands but it is sill hard so I try to make sure he enjoys some relaxed playtime with DS to help them reconnect rather than a tired baby at end of the day. Am completley knackered but we are going to use next 3 days to sleep train as DH has no work so can finally share night shift with me. It does get better but that doesn;t really help you now I am afraid other than to say I completely understand how you feel. (having said that I have shouted at DS at 3am when he just won't sleep and I was to tired to cope - felt awful but woke DH up and dumped screaming baby on him while I sat outside for 15 min to calm down before trying again. Think almost helped DH to see that I found it hard too sometimes)

My daughter is 2.5 almost 3 now. I'm not sure if it's my parenting or what to do. My bf is an awesome role model and perfect to me and her otherwise. But when she starts crying and screaming over nothing for more than a few minutes is when the wolf in him comes out. He does start yelling and cussing even throwing things and nothing seems to calm him down. So I have to try to calm her down as quick as possible. Which like many know can be hard to do especially when someone else is yelling and cussing about it. I'm trying to find ways around it. Maybe me and her going around the block or something. Yes we know he has a anger issue but won't listen to me about going to anger management. As far as her crying goes, I've read some useful tips I will try. Such as distracting her with something else or giving her something to do to help me. I hope these tactics help.

I wish there was some way or something I could say to help him realize she's only two and it will pass. Not automatically saying she's my kid and telling me to leave as a first 'resolution' for him being upset.
After the outburst and she hasn't been crying for a bit do things calm down and everything goes back to normal. No he doesn't do this very often, only a few outbreaks. Maybe I can tame him as well as get my daughter to stop crying so much.

brettgirl I am so pleased to read your post! DS will not be comforted to sleep in any way, shape or form. Rocking, patting, shhing, dummies, PUPD, hand holding, stroking etc etc all met with horrific wailing and outrage. If I (or anyone else) is in the room with him he will not sleep. He will sleep if rocked in the buggy or in the car but only if he cannot see me. Over Xmas we shared a room with him and I had to sleep with my back to him, as soon as he caught a glimpse of me, that was it!

I hope your DH manages to find a coping strategy to deal with the crying..

My oh was pretty similar with our dd, mow 2mo. I the early days when she cried and cried and we couldn't figure out why, he used to get very frustrated, but now he's actually better at calming her than I am!!! It's brilliant. He swaddled her. Puts her down with her soother, talks calmly to her and strokes her hair and nose and she drifts off to sleep just like that- I've tried this myself, but she won't do it for me!! He'll find a way of settling her if given the opportunity and put in a position to, and once he finds it, it will be a huge confidence boost for him. Hope this helps - mum of a 2mo who now sleeps 9 hours at night!!!!! Would never have thought it.... Seemed like we'd never sleep again!!!

Jade, I think your BF needs to get some help to sort things out in the long term. Your daughter is only a toddler and is going to carry on having tantrums for a while probably, that is stressful enough without you worrying about your BF's tantrums too! And how the hell is he going to cope when she's a teenager and she's really challenging him and pushing his buttons?

My DH also has some fairly major anger management problems but eventually had the sense to see the doctor and has been diagnosed with depression and has got some ADs. He still gets quite stressy with my our DCs but he is getting better so I have lots of sympathy with your situation.

It's not your responsibility to "tame" your BF; he is responsible for his own moods and mental well-being. You are responsible for yourself and the two of you are jointly responsible for your DD.

Please tell him to sort himself out or, as BeerTricksPotter said, just leave. It's not fair on you or your daughter.

To BeerTricksPotter and falalalalagirl, thank you for your comments and suggestions. I do agree completely. I'm going to try to bring up again the doctor or something to find help for him when he's in a fairly good mood instead of right after a 'fit'. See I know I love him completely and I know she loves him too. But I signed a lease, I can't just leave like he has told me to already in his anger. If I did me and her would be back on the street again. I just got an amazing job and might possibly get a better one. The ONLY thing that sucks so much about this guy is his temper. Reminds me of beauty and the beast. So again I will try other solutions and possibly find a way to help this issue.

Oh I could have written this post myself. My sympathies that you're having such a shit time when if you were like me, you had dreamed it was going to be all happy families. Ime time heals so much and men are much better with kids than babies.

JadeWolf if you're on the lease, perhaps you can ask him to leave? Or could you talk privately to your landlord? Or just go - your child's safety is so much more important than anything else. I assume she is not your boyfriend's daughter? This puts her at much greater risk of being hurt by him

JadeWolf, it might be a good idea to start your own thread? I think you might be able to get quite a lot of useful advice on here, but your post is a wee bit lost on this thread.

Up at the top of the page^ just under where it says "Topics >> Behaviour/Development" is 'Start a new thread in this topic', if you click on that it will open up a shiny new box for you. Or it might actually be better to start it in 'Relationships', but up to you.

Sorry if you already know all that, don't know how much time you spend on here!

That is a pathetic response sorry (to the person who suggested telling him off). My partner and I are both dads and share the load of our son's care. We alternate from day to day and I love the child to bits but at night time I cannot bear to listen to cries and he again. I think someone said it will just get better when the baby stage is over and I am inclined to agree with that.

I think the ear defenders are a brilliant suggestion. When mine were going through the whiny 3yo stage I used to sing a lot or put on music just to blot some of it out rather than turning impatient with it. What I could not have done (what with being a mother and that!) would be to get MN's blessing to just refuse to deal with it and hand dc over to somebody else. So I had to find another solution that worked for me. Your dh should do the same.

Oh so much lingo lol. What is MN? I agree music and ear plugs do help.

I appreciate that this thread is now 5 years out of date, but I've just come across it by accident & thought I'd post my experience for anybody else reading who has the same problem.

The OPs' problem could've been written by me, 11 years ago. My DH immediately got very angry, every time our newborn daughter cried. I spent the first year of her life, at least, trying to make sure my baby didn't cry, in an effort to keep the peace.

It turned out that the birth of our daughter had triggered PTSD in my husband, who had been physically and emotionally abused by both his parents, and sexually abused by his mother. This had been so 'normalised' to him that neither of us had even been aware that his childhood had been anything but normal. (he was 23 when our daughter was born).

The birth also triggered abandonment issues for him, in that after being abused and abandoned as a child, I was now 'abandoning' him as our daughter needed to come first. This was made worse by the fact that his mother had spent her life telling him she never wanted a son, but a daughter instead (and our child, his 'replacement', was a girl!).

11 years later, and after a LOT of effort from him (and me), he is now much, much better - and we have other children now, too. I'm not sure the choice I made was the smart one (like other posters, due to my DH losing his temper there was a time when it wasn't safe to leave the baby with him) - but I chose to believe in him, and he did put the effort in & get better - and we both adore our family now.

What I'm saying is, maybe it's just normal 'feeling out of control' symptoms - or maybe it's something more serious. If somebody had told me 10 years ago what I know now about DH & his family, there's no way I'd have believed them. Maybe it isn't just your DH needing to grow up / acting out.

Saying that though, if there is a more serious problem, you won't fix it on your own - it will take a serious amount of commitment from your DH, and huge amount of support & tolerance from you too. Choosing to stay & work through it is not the easy option.

It is very interesting how many men develop such conditions when asked to do something they don't like. Imagine a woman being given the luxury of just saying her intense anger or swearing at a newborn was just the trauma of her childhood and in no way reflected badly on her.