I'm going to explode

[Goingunderfast]

Hi all, I've name changed as I feel ashamed!!!! I'm feel like I'm going to pop and hurt my child, I seem to have lost all patience and self control and I feel completely frustrated and guilty about my feelings!!!
My dd is 2.5 she is independent and wants to help with everything but only for a few minutes and will not play alone even if I set her things to do or play with.
She will not play with toys unless I play with her and walks around lost if I'm not playing with her. She will watch the tv or play games on the iPad or watch you tube cips of kids songs for a while but that's not great is it?
She seems to understand a lot and says things like I'm so sorry mommy I make you happy! She seems as if she is five rather then two.
This morning as she won't sit still for meals I shouted at her and smacked her leg and put her in another room before I lost it! And all that over cereal! What a screw up I am, I've had someone say (non qualified) she may have spd or Aspergers as she always busy picking toys up but then moving on and not actually playing, so that's playing on my mind. I have appointment with doctor at the hospital for her for next month but more for my mind then anything else and as I google it makes it worse as its all so conflicting!
I've even thought about contacting social services and giving her up that how ad I feel aboutmy actions and how I'm coping,
How do I get my patience back and gain some self control??.

Forgot to say I do love her to bits!!! She is youngest of three also ds 16- 18

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Do you ever get a break from her? My youngest is 2.11 and is very similar with the reluctance to play independently, but she has to sisters very close in age (4 and 6) who lead play when they are home from school. She would happily sit in front of a screen, morning, noon and night and tbh I was letting her for an easy life, until I realised we had done very little else all day .

Sometimes now we do jobs together (!) and sometimes she has to amuse herself. I don't know much about aspergers but I don't from what I've read of your post think she sounds in anyway unusual (in a nice way).

[I am currently having an arguement with dd3 about finding something to play with, she is wanting lunch (so she can put the tv on)] YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

As for the smacking it's not great, however I have smacked my children and will do so again if I feel it appropriate. I know many many on here are completely anti-smacking so do not take comments too much to heart.

I was you thirteen years ago. I was at the end of my tether and nobody else understood the intensity of the need DD1 had for constant attention. I used to watch my friends' children in awe as they sat playing independently while their mums cooked or chatted.

My DD ended up with a diagnosis of Aspergers ten years later but it wasn't clear cut and she is very academically able. It may be that your DD has some traits which lean towards to Autism/SPD spectrum but that doesn't mean she will have any major problems and some of those traits can be positive.

Mine wouldn't watch tv or sleep much either so I didn't have much respite. I used to use time when she was with someone else or engaged in something she would do for a few minutes to do the bare minimum of house-keeping and then give up on it and concentrate on her. It was much less frustrating not to be trying to get away all the time and I was more able to keep my temper.

might help you to understand her need to keep moving. It explains one aspect of sensory processing very well.

Another thought I've had is whether you are finding it hard to cope because of your mood level. I had PND and I am sure having a child who was so demanding contributed to it. Have a think and go to your GP. I went because I was worried I was going to hurt my DD but I thought it was major PMT.

I hope you find a way to reduce the pressure soon.

aww i think we would all be lying if we said we hadn't felt like this at one time or another, i lost it with mine over a piece of ham the other week, it was for her dinner the next day and she eat it, she was sent to her room and told to stay there, how daft is that. I think life just gets on top of us all sometimes, and we tend to take it out on those around us, your not superwomen. Everyone feels the pressure sometimes, you need to talk to someone, sometimes you can feel better just getting it out there. Could she not go to nursery, or someone look after her for afew hours, so you could have some me time. I have everyfaith you will get though this.

Thank you! I don't get a break from her as dh does not handle her great and all I hear is him saying no, no , stop, don't do that! and that's just as stressful. I have tried to explain and have shown him how to explain to her but he does not do it and she understands when she is told tbh, I feel guilty and worry if she is left with any one, so apart from bedtime she is with me constantly, but I'm not saying that because of this I'm hard done by I just seem to have lost my ability to have patience with her and feel frustrated.
I don't want to or like smacking but it was me losing control and that's not fair on her.

Don't be too hard on yourself! There is too much pressure to be the 'perfect' mum and to praise all the things your child does like drawing on the walls, hitting the rabbit with sticks and refusing to lie down.
It makes you think that you are abnormal when you loose your temper/get fed up. Its normal to get annoyed with your DD, you can't get on with them all the time. You get tired and need to take a break. Its like anything else, time away can work wonders.
I know that i loose patience quite quickly with my DD, and worry that all she will remember from her childhood is me nagging her!
Dont beat yourself up about it, you did the right thing removing yourself from the situation. Could you encourage her to play by herself more?

She is just getting over chicken pox and they are just scabbing over so we haven't really done any of our planned activities this week ie swimming, dance, wacky or play group :( hope to get out next week although we have had a sneaky walk to the park early one morning this week but she gets bored easily.

How to encourage her to play alone is the question? all morning all ive herd my self say is "go play with your toys" I've tried to set her up playing then slip away but that does not work! What to do?

Be firm in getting her to play by herself. Perhaps you could start by letting her watch a show she likes, and leaving some toys on the floor for her. Slip out of the room and see if when the show finishes, she starts playing with her toys.
You could also maybe add some now things to her room and make a big deal out of it so she wants to spend more time in there. Does she have a wendy house?
I have always encouraged alone play, as my DD is an only child and needs to learn how to amuse herself.

She has a Wendy house in the garden and I have put dolls and tea sets in it set up sand pit and all she did was cry and say play you play with me or walk round garden with a stick and splash the pond water if I ignored her plee and if tv finishes or if a film is on and add comes on she comes into me, will try the timmer and see if I can get her to play for say three or four minutes! It's just such hard work as she seems to want to touch anything that is not a toy say as I'm typing she is messing with the radiator valve! Although there are books and toys to play with!

Timandra sorry only just seen your post! Thanks I have looked at the clip but I don't see any of that in dd but maybe I'm blind! Will wait to see what specialist says!

It sounds like you are fed up, and god knows we have all been there, are still there, and trying to get the hell out of there!!

From what you have mentioned, you are out of patience, she is at the tail end of being poorly, you have probably got cabin fever. So deep breath, next week will be back to your normal routine and be better.

Play-- you need to give yourself over to playing with your DD for a good amout of time at different points of the day. She needs you to model play with her, interact with her, share, turn take etc etc. I would say a minimum of 45minutes of you just being with her playing/pottering about. Then you can move on to something you need to do. It cannot be rushed and you cannot say things like "OK I will play for five minutes, then I have to.....". Be present with her and value her play. Then you will find yourself being able to tell her you are going to do something else and come back to her.

But is it normal for her to not play with anything if she has not got my attention? And I do play with her a lot, but will try more, I wonder if it's my fault as I'm always tidying away her toys as soon as she has left them as I don't like the mess! Have just got her toy box out for her and she is busy emptying it on the floor!!! Just pulling stuff out and putting it on the floor and now climbing in the box but I wouldn't say that's playing? Or am I expecting too much?

op I am not sure, as I have not seen how you engage with your DD. To some extent she ought to be able to be left in one room while you get on with something else in another. Play is whatever your DD deems it to be, so if she is climbing on top of a box I would then lay out cushions, trays, and have her try and hop/jump/climb on to the cushions and make it a game.The floor is lava! That sort of thing.

I have the IKE two-fast storage system in the play room, and each box has one kind go toys in it- one for lego, one for little people/animals, one for wooden blocks, one for instruments etc etc. As long as not more than 2 boxes are out at one time, and the right stuff goes back in at the end of the day, then I am cool with that.

Do you think she might have outgrown some of her toys?

look here for some inspiration for playtime

My first was very like this, she seemed so much older than all her peers (I always said she was born 30) but so much harder as well. She needed constant attention and mostly from me which is very hard. She was also I very seriouse little girl, not much in the way of giggly silliness that I get from my second. She would much rather sit with me and have a conversation than play. She also had the knack of winding my up so much I wanted to throttle her which I also haven't experienced from my second.
It did get better, she is a lovely little girl. She is 5 now and very bright and interested in things but still has her little quirks. And is still quite sensitive and seriouse but I wouldn't change her for the world (now!)

Don't think that's much help but really do sympathise with you, I have found friends with easy layed back children really didn't understand how difficult I was finding it and maybe thought I was just rubbish. Get a break if you can.

I buy her puzzles and have brought new dolls and pushchairs and she plays with them for a while but with my interaction,
possibly has out grown some of her toys or maybe she is bored with the ones out at the minute as she wont get toys out maybe I should start getting items out for her to play with that are different each day.
she is playing with the happy land fairy boot as I'm typing so maybe it's a combination of things!!
think I just need to relax a little and stop worrying and analizing for now!
Thanks for your replys

Houseworkprocrastinator yes she seems to be the same and it's awful as all the other children just get on with it! She doesn't even want me to talk to other people tells me to stop talking or talk to me or what you talking about? She is a lovely little girl and seems very bright but damn it's hard :) ds doesn't get it at all so I cope alone but that's what we do I suppose.

Bless you. One tip, mine loved bags. Old handbag or something with an old purse she would collect things from around the house.

She still doesn't "play" much even now. She collects a certain type of toy and likes them all lined on her shelf but doesn't play with them as such and other toys we have bought her have mainly gone untouched but she loves crafts and will spend hours drawing but this came later.

My husband doesn't know how to deal either because you have to approach things in a certain way or the temper fairs. But then being at home with her I got more used to it. Even in school the teacher has said to me that she is very sensitive and gets upset very quickly if she does something incorrect.

I don't think there is anything specifically sn about the way she is just that she is incredibly aware and sensitive. (never seen a professional about it but be interested in what they say to you if you could let me know)

i would say not all kids play the same, when my daughter was 3, she had the attention span of a goldfish. I brought her aload of toys for her birthday and she played with the wrapping paper for 3days. It does sound like she is playing on her, hiding in the box. If she spends alot of time with you, maybe she just worrys when your not in the same room. I couldn't even go to the loo without mine following me. I really think you have to try and let go of the guilt you feel about leaving her with someone else, i know it's hard to do and we all feel guilty, but it will do you both the world of good in the long run. You do need to have abit of a life for yourself.

I don't have much to add I'm afraid as my ds is only 2 months except re picking stuff up and moving them - I used to do that when I was younger (until a teen actually) - for me I liked to organise and sort and compare things and it entertained me immensely and I don't have Aspergers etc. Sounds to me like she's making sense of objects through touch and comparison. Also, if she can empathise with feelings and recognise the need to say sorry that also doesn't sound like Aspergers to me. I'm not a healthcare professional but I used to be a teacher so I do have some knowledge of these issues. X

Agree that not all children play the same and some are clingier than others. Dd was a very clingy toddler. She does not have Aspergers, she was just clingy. I used to sometimes have to go into the kitchen under pretext of making myself a cup of tea and just turn the radio on very loud to block out the whingeing.

I agree with savanna that you need to allow yourself to leave her with others. Dd used to have to be peeled off my legs screaming and sobbing- but it was worth it for both of us.

Also, if she's just had chickenpox she will be worse than usual, and possibly for quite some time: a paediatrician once told me that is just isn't widely enough known how badly children get pulled down by chickenpox.

Hey Goingunderfast, you are not alone.

The past two weeks have been awful with my 2.5 DS. I completely lost it the other day and smacked him; something I said I would never ever do. I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt like ringing social services- I felt that way too.
I think you and I need a break. DP is doing lots of overtime atm so it's me doing all the childcare as well as working part-time. I actually can't wait for my working days to roll around so I can get some time away from my whiny little boy and this makes me feel guilty too. Was considering putting him in nursery a couple of afternoons a week but we just can't afford it.

I'm trying to look at it as just another phase he's going through. He wants to be completely independent but then as soon as I try to get any housework done, or sit down with a cup of tea for 5 mins he demands my complete attention. He's generally very good playing by himself (he's our only one) but not at the moment. As I type he's sitting on mr trying to pull my hands away grom the keyboard.
Sorry I have nothing constructive to add, just wanted you to know you're not the only one.

We have had the all clear today and have been out this afternoon to friends where dd played really nice on her own but around another little one if that makes sence! I'm going shopping for new clothes tomorrow and dh is having dd! I've also put dd name down for three mornings a week at the school play group and look forward to that, thanks all for your kind words and support its really important to know you're not alone so thank you x x x

goingunder that is great, life is great when it gives you those little rays of positivity and possibility.

My DS has chicken pox now, so we are battening down the hatches. Just in time for the jubilee celebrations. Harrump