four year old obsessed with death - especially mine..

[stella1w]

I know this is normal at this age, but it has been going on for months and she seems genuinely upset about it. I think I made the mistake of giving her an honest answer at the start about why people die and one of them was age.. so she twigged that grandma and great-aunt x were most likely to die next and so she wanted to know, when people would die and in what order and where..
She keeps asking if I am going to die and I say, yes, but not for a long time and she keeps replying yes, for a long time (ie. she thinks I am saying the opposite of long time). So now I say she will be very grown up when I die. And she is worried about me being buried because the ground is dirty and she is worried about who will look after her and how she will get to them (she said, "I know, I have a good idea. You take me there on the bus and then you die.")
Anyway, the point is.. I think I was maybe too matter of fact intially and maybe should have had a different approach, but if so, what? We are not religious.
Also, she tends to say she doesn't want me to die after she has been naughty or things have been tense ie. I worry that she has been secretly wishing me dead and then feeling guilty about it. Her little brother arrived earlier this year and when he was a couple of months she said "I want to die [kill] you and the baby" which of course is totally understandable but I think she is worried she could actually make that happen.
Help!

It is perfectly normal- children of that age are interested. When I was a widow they would question me, it was the parents who were embarrassed and tried to change the subject.
Just be matter of fact. We all die eventually - stick to the fact that most people are old and their body wears out. I wouldn't promise that you won't because you might. Just say that you hope to be an old lady and see her children and even her children's children. Keep off saying things like 'falling asleep' which could be deeply worrying. I would also keep off the afterwards and say we simply don't know. Stick with the fact that we live on with people's minds- love doesn't die. Make sure that you do have guardians.
You seem to have done fine. I would stick to the fact that it isn't something that you have to worry about as children - wait until you get much,much older 'than a mummy' and then you will think about it differently.
Go to the library. There are some good books now. I think it is 'Badger's Last Gifts' that is nice for that age.

Badger's Parting Gifts' - Susan Varley

When mine were small I stuck with the Going To Heaven story, although as an atheist I absolutely don't believe it. I just felt at that age, when they only have a very material grasp on the world, they needed reassurance that people they loved would continue in some way after death.

When they got older, they made up their own minds.

I would keep off going to heaven. My DS was a baby when his father died and I had to explain it to a 2 yr old. A bereavement counsellor advised keeping right off it. The obvious solution to a small DC is that if they are in a place you can fly in an aeroplane and get them back. Saying Heaven is no different than saying Devon. In fact my brother went skiing and when I asked DS if he wanted to speak on the phone he said 'is he dead then'. Just far too confusing!

My DD keeps wishing us dead - as in telling DH to 'Die Daddy' over and over again one morning after I had gone to work. He was really upset. I just ignore it and tell her to go to the step if she upsets Daddy again.

I have read things on here before though which say that it's just a stage and will pass. If you are worried that she thinks she is worried that she can cause death, then maybe more details would help. (things can go wrong with your body, like your heart can stop beating, but that doesn't normally happen until you are old, it can't happen by thinking about it) That rather depends on if you think she can understand it though - I'm not sure my 4yo could