3 year old DS1 driving me a bit crackers

[Bagofholly]

When he has 100% attention, he's great. When it's just me and him, he's fab. The MINUTE my attention is on anyone else (and not anything else - he'll let me get on with stuff) his behaviour is awful.
I have 18mth old twins and of course we knew there might be jealousy issues but although he asks after them and wants to be with them, hess he gets 100% close supervision from me, he hurts them. And watches how I respond.
I've organised childcare do that they are apart as much as poss but it's still murderously hard - yesterday I had to put him in bed for a few minutes as he just wouldn't stop deliberately hurting the babies. I've read and read and been on a parenting course - I'm not an idiot, and I firmly follow through on consequences, am consistent, etc, but without progress. The only thing that stopped him even slightly was a good telling off and putting in bed. Which meant leaving the twins unattended, and one but the other one.

He also kicks off if I talk to other adults in his presence - he's been at my mums this afternoon, and had a lovely time, and was chatting about it. DH came in, and even though we were talking about DS1 and what he'd been doing and involving him in the conversation, he still lashed out at me and knocked my specs off.

We have 2 afternoons where it's just me and him and we do the things he loves. He has WAY more one to one attention than the twins yet it's never enough. I'm terrified he's going to really hurt them one day, and am so sad that he seems furious with me but takes it out on them. My mum just commented that he seems to try to press every button with me at the moment.

What am I missing? What do I do?
(apologies if I don't reply straightaway - am out for a beer tonight with DH and feel like crying into my pint!)

Sounds like typical three year old behaviour to me. I found the threes horrific.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Does ignoring make any difference?

We went through a phase of putting ds1 in his room, and we had to hold the door shut or he'd get out. We did it for three minutes, went in, asked if he's calmed down yet-usually not- so leave him again for another three minutes. Etc.

He eventually grew out of it but there were times I wanted to throttle him.

Can't imagine how I would have coped if I had twins to look after too, must be tricky at times.

So no real advice from me I'm afraid, just wanted to reassure you it's a phase and it will pass and it sounds completely normal to me.

Enjoy your beer

Thankyou, I had three lovely glasses of cold wine in a nice beer garden!
I can't tell you how reassuring it is that you have felt like throttling your child! I've been to the edge of reason sometimes when they all kick off. I don't feel like I can ignore such horrible behaviour like hurting his brothers, because they're getting to an age where they're starting to understand.
I try and step back and imagine myself on House of Tiny Tearaways, watching judgementally and thinking "Gosh it's soooo OBVIOUS what she's doing wrong!"
The thought that it might be nothing and it's just a phase is encouraging. Thankyou!

Ds2 is just the same with Dd he is forever pushing her over etc. what did help was reading siblings without rivalry. Although I have found it hard to put into practise because I get so annoyed at how constantly it happens. It has lessons though over tune as I think he realises she is fun too and he can play with her.

hello - hope the wine helped :)

I'm not sure how good my advice will be as mine are younger - 2.5 and 6 months. But DD1 has had jealously issues and although its improving I've been worried about her hurting DD2 too.

We've had head stamping, kicking etc. I have to watch her like a hawk. It's ALWAYS attention seeking by her to get my attention. And it works which I guess doesn't help. Must be doubly hard for you having twins.

I tried reward charts, naughty steps, even a smack (I know, I know, never works) and nothing worked - the only thing that has helped us has been to give as much attention as possible when feeding the baby - so I try to read to her at the same time etc.

If things escalate and she hurts DD2 I basically quietly and calmly carry her to her room and shut the door explaining why she is there. She is outraged and shouts etc but I don't let her out until she is calm and realises what she did. I have a stair gate at her room!

Then I pour myself a large g and t

HTH - it will get better!