Self Harming at 9yrs old

[StarryEyedMama]

Hi All,

I posted about my daughter's behavioural problems last night but haven't got much of a response - so thought I would be a bit more blatant in the title and see if I can get anymore advice as feeling a bit desperate.

Here is the last post:

Feel like I am failing as a mother. DD who is 9 - nearly 10 is just such hard work at the mo. Constantly going off in sulks at the slightest thing, falling out with friends left, right and centre, "back chatting" especially to me - all of this I think is on the verge of being normal for a 9 yr old. Am I right?

What I know thats not normal is something we have discovered today, while her father was visiting.
She has a good relationship with her Dad but often stretches the truth I think to gain attention from him as she only see's him once a week for a couple of hours - while they were out today in the park, she told them that apparently she has started self harming, when he told me I was shocked and found it difficult to believe as I thought I would of picked up on it.

When we questioned her on it - she said that she had been using cocktails sticks to prick her hands and has been punching the bed and herself. We had a long talk with her and have decided to seek a counsellor for her even if we are slightly dubious about whether she is telling the truth, the fact that she is even thinking or knows what it is about is very concerning.

Just before she went to bed, she was gripping and wringing her hands because she said she was "angry" and when I asked her to stop doing it and talk to me, she spat in my face and refused to say goodnight to me.

Her father and my partner think that it's largely down to my relationship with her which really hurts. I know we aren't spending a lot of one on one time together since having DS but I do make an effort to have fun, cooking, doing arty things etc when we have the time and always make sure I have the time to talk to her one on one everyday if needed.

We've spoken to the school and they are going to get a homelink worker involved....

I'm wondering if anyone has had any experience in this - would really appreciate any advice.

Many Thanks

It does seem as if she is unhappy about something- could be something at home or at school or just hormones or something in herself; imo fantasising about self harm isn't really that different from actually doing it; it is a similar sign of tension.

What it is not is a judgment of your success as a parent. Just a sign that she may need a hand to deal with whatever is troubling her. Punching the bed might actually be quite a helpful strategy: when ds was unhappy and tense about this age we bought him a punchball and that has helped.

Thanks Cory - I have spoken to her about better ways to deal with her anger, punching her pillow being one of them - I remember doing this as a child. I suffered greatly from mental health problems as a child and young adult, although I think mine were largely down to the neglect of my alcoholic mother - however I am worried that I have maybe passed down these issues to her?

Definitely get help now before things escalate. Counselling sounds like a good plan, also maybe look into additional things - art therapy? a sport e.g. horse riding? - so she has outlets for her frustration/feelings.

To some extent it doesn't matter if she is self-harming or not. What matters is that she is unhappy enough to say that she is. I'd be wary of checking her for marks in case she feels the need to 'prove' her story and self-harms when she wasn't before or escalates what she's doing so as to leave deeper marks IYSWIM.

Have you told her she can discuss anything thats upsetting her with you and praised her for being honest and talking to her dad about whats going on? If she has self-esteem/attention issues then lots of genuine, specific praise and reassurance may help.

Thanks Leeloo for the support. I've spoken to her school in length today and we are being connected to the home link worker and hope that we can give her the support she needs.

Do you validate her feelings? It sounds like although you're being supportive, you're also telling her that it's wrong and it's bad to feel like this.

Stuff like "stop doing that and talk to me" (wrt hand wringing/anger).

You say you make an effort to do things, and talk about things, but what about just being together?

My Dad always used to talk about stuff like this, try and "manage" it like an adult, but all I wanted to do was for him to hold me tight and comfort me while I raged and hurt. I know it feels like she's pushing you away, but she may be doing this subconsciously in the hope that you'll come to her.

She's 9 - she's so young. She's still a child.