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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD (3.5) refuses to join in football class - how to encourage without pressure?

29 replies

theory · 27/05/2012 20:54

I signed up DD for a Sat morning football class because she said she'd like to go (she did a term when she was 2), but now she refuses to play. She's not very dramatic in her refusal she just sits on the picnic blanket with me and the other parents and hangs out, saying "I don't feel like it" if we try to encourage her to get out there. I'm not sure how to handle it. On the one hand, I'm fine with her just watching until she feels comfortable (it has been a month). But at the same time, there's a certain awkwardness to her sitting there the other parents keep asking her why she's not playing, and I sense that the longer she sits out, the harder it will be to join in.

She has a friend in the class, and as I said, she's played before, so it's not a totally alien experience for her. But the other class she did was
with a nanny rather than me, and I wonder if that makes a difference: she's very clingy with me in general, and esp since her little sister came along 5 months ago. She's also said she doesn't think she's very good at football- though in truth, I think this is something we maybe planted in her mind (by asking, stupidly I suppose, whether she was concerned that she wasn't good!)

I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed the hour with her sitting out I find it awkward tooand I'm sure she can sense that. Should I stop taking her? Keep sitting?

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AThingInYourLife · 27/05/2012 20:59

Wow, tough one.

I think I'd probably just stop taking her - she's obviously not getting anything out of it, it's a waste of time for you.

I'd also be a little concerned that the habit of sitting out a sports class was not a great one to get into - as in, would it create some kind of mental block to just joining in?

The other thing I thought of was whether anyone else could take her? Is it at the weekend? Could your DH bring her?

PogoBob · 27/05/2012 21:01

DD is younger so no experience but just wondering - do you take your younger DD with you. Could she be a little jealous (for want of a better word word) that DD2 gets to spend the time with you??

YouBrokeMySmoulder · 27/05/2012 21:03

She's 3.5 - I would try and get your money back.

neolara · 27/05/2012 21:06

She's 3 1/2. If she doesn't want to join in, let her not go. There will be plenty of time for organised activities when she's older.

scummymummy · 27/05/2012 21:08

Stop taking her. 3.5 year olds don't need classes in anything. If they enjoy them, fine. If they don't enjoy them then it's a waste of time and money. Perhaps it's not a very good class?

RunnerHasbeen · 27/05/2012 21:13

You could ask the mum of the friend who plays to take her along next week. If she said she wanted to go originally then she is either just nervous, a little bit clingy or nervous that you said she wasn't good so she doesn't want to play in front of you. Ask if she wants to carry on (sometime mid-week, not the morning of the club when she might already be nervous) and if she says yes then ask other mum. If she says no then try to find out why.

Original poster

theory · 27/05/2012 21:23

She always says she wants to go, and she even says she likes going after it's over We usually go all together with DH and DD2. I could try sending her with just DH, but I don't think she'd agree to go with her friend and his mum. She's never done anything like that before, and even when we go on playdates, she sticks very close to me. She IS shy that's the thing- so this is part of a bigger issue, I guess, of how to support her. DH thinks we should just tell her the class has ended now and stop going. I'm fine with this, but a bit concerned that she'll catch on, as the classes are run in our local park all weekend and week and she knows the kit etc.

OP posts:

scummymummy · 27/05/2012 21:28

In that case tell her that she can either go and join in or stop going. And if you take her and she doesn't join in then leave?

ladyintheradiator · 27/05/2012 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rhetorician · 27/05/2012 21:36

my dd is almost exactly the same age, also shy in groups and with people she doesn't know. Also has small sister (6 mo). I don't think I would even consider taking her, even if she asked - I know she wouldn't feel able to join in and I think this would undermine her confidence, especially when other adults are at her about not speaking etc. I've said we will think about ballet when she is 4, but it will depend on her. I am focussing on getting her to talk to people she knows as this seems more important for her age (IYSWIM) - she is just not ready (even if she could play a game with rules, which I doubt)

LingDiLong · 27/05/2012 21:56

Honestly, just stop taking her. She's got loads of time to take it back up again when she's older and more confident. My 5 year old goes to a football class for ages 3 - 7 and out of the 4 or 5 three year olds in the class I'd say only 1 actually gets anything out of it. They only really seem able and willing to join in when they get closer to 5 years old. Why ARE you still taking her if you don't mind me asking?

jalopy · 27/05/2012 22:03

It's easy to think that she should be coping with this at 3 years old but she's still very young. Take her out and offer the activity to her when she's older.

RillaBlythe · 28/05/2012 07:55

My dd is nearly 4. If she was doing this I'd stop taking her & try again in the autumn. Is she at preschool? DD's ability to take part & follow instructions came on massively once she started preschool!

Original poster

theory · 28/05/2012 08:21

I've continued taking her because she enjoyed football class in the past and because she asks to go. She enjoys nursery school (she goes 5 mornings a week and has more or less begged me to stay full days) and also ballet, which is a big group, too. Given this, I thought maybe she was just warming up to football (no pun intended!) or that it was an issue with my being there.

OP posts:

rubyrubyruby · 28/05/2012 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lardylump · 28/05/2012 08:26

bless her little heart. a family outing to the football, and her playing so she misses it? I'd swap the football for a walk and a picnic in the park. the four of you. give it as much attention as the football.

i think she is asking for family together time, rather than football.

when you explain why you are dropping football, tell her that you would rather you all did something together as a family, that will make her feel important.

And i wouldnt mention the football again, until she does. giving up something at this age doesnt automatically mean that she wont keep up other sports in the future.

HTH

heliumballoon · 28/05/2012 08:31

You don't enjoy the hour.
You could be doing something more productive.
She is learning that sitting on the sidelines is fine.

I'd get DH to take her next week and try to persuade her to join in, and if she won't I'd say, well we'll stop coming then, nicely and without reproach but factually. Football is to play, not to watch, so if you don't want to play, no drama but we'll do something else instead.

At 3 my DD wasn't doing any classes, I honestly don't think she'll be missing out.

marriedinwhite · 28/05/2012 08:36

Why don't you just go with the flow and watch it with her and enjoy what the others are doing and talk about it and have a bit of fun with her. I don't think it's a big problem but I think putting on pressure to make her join in is a big problem. Don't let her feed off the fact that you think it's a problem.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 28/05/2012 08:37

Jeez she's three. Let her miss this one out. Ive been there and done that with organised classes for my two DDs and found that in truth, they're rarely reliable about what they want to do until they are school age.

Save your money.

Kellamity · 28/05/2012 08:40

I have a 3 year who wouldn't do that either. I've just signed us up to a scrapstore (junk modelling) class after half term and we'll do it together.

She's only 3.5 you have plenty of time for classes but my advice would be to be led by her interests not classes you want her to join.

Kellamity · 28/05/2012 08:41

Ah sorry missed your post where you said she asked to go so ignore my last point

EightiesChick · 28/05/2012 08:46

Another one saying drop the classes for now. Also how about a variant on what's been suggested already - get your DH to have DD2 while you go and watch her, so she can have all your attention? But I wouldn't feel obliged to stick with it.

DeWe · 28/05/2012 09:36

I don't know about pulling out. My dd1 always took a term to get used to anything. She would spend a term sitting on the side watching, but then the next term would walk in and do it as though she always had.
If I'd pulled her out after a month then she'd never have done anything.
She's only fairly recently grown out of taking a term to get sorted and she's 11yo now.

Other things I've had worked for my younger 2, who were more likely to be clingy but got used to it sooner are bribery: If you do football nicely then we will go to the park/have a packet of raisins/get the paddling pool out. That works well when you've just got to break the habit. They then do it once or twice and then are fine. The other one I've done is say "I just need to nip to the car/toilet. I'll be back in a minute". Sometimes with you not there they'll start joining in.

CecilyP · 28/05/2012 14:31

Seriously, is there really any need for a 3.5 year old to go to a football class? I doubt of any top professional players went to a football class at 3.5. Regarding your DD not being very good at football; are some of the other 3 year olds very good? Have to say it sounds the most awful waste of your family's time - all 4 of you going to your DD's football class when she doesn't even want to play football, so she doesnt play.

thisisyesterday · 28/05/2012 14:34

i would just stop taking her.
if she really wanted to do it she'd join in. no point wasting money on something she doesn't really want to do

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