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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS said he'd thought about suicide. What do I do?

21 replies

Worriedaboutds · 27/05/2012 20:46

I can't believe this thread title but it's true and I need some advice.

Have namechanged as family know me on here.

DS is 11. XH and I split within the last year and DS took it very badly, largely because XH was very sad and told DS constantly. However DS seemed to be much better recently so today's events have really caught me off guard.

One of DSs friends hasn't been at home for a few days and DS told me that he's found out that his friend, his sister and Mum have gone away for a while after police were seen at their house. Suspect domestic abuse. Dad is still living there. Today there was a police car and ambulance outside. DS very concerned and told me that he thinks his friends Dad might have tried to kill himself. I played this down as it could be other things and told him "none of our business" "be understanding of friend when he gets back because obviously difficult time". And then DS said that he thought it was suicide because he felt so sad sometimes. I was floored for a while but asked him about it because I wanted to know if he knew what he'd said. He told ne that when he stays with XH at grandparents house, he gets very sad and that he has thought about killing himself. I asked him when he's felt like that and he said "not for a few weeks".

I dont know what to do. XH is emotionally stupid/manipulative but I feel like I should say something to him even though I know he won't handle it well with DS.

Is it normal for kids to express these feelings. Just seems very wrong to me and I'm really worried. He has been chatting to the welfare teacher at school so I could say something to her but don't want to blow this up out of proportion.

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 27/05/2012 20:48

That must be so scary, but it's great that he's admitted it to you, because it means you can help him. He must trust you a lot.

I'd have a word with the teacher, definitely. I don't think that'd be out of proportion at all.

Pagwatch · 27/05/2012 20:55

He has told you something very important. Do not minimise it. Do not ignore it. Treat it as genuine and go chat with your GP

Original poster

Worriedaboutds · 27/05/2012 21:06

I did wonder afterwards if he'd said it to see what effect it would have on me but I'm pretty sure it was genuine.

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 27/05/2012 21:09

Genuine or not, it's clearly crossed his mind. Not normal for an 11-year-old.

Original poster

Worriedaboutds · 27/05/2012 21:17

Before I met XH, I had a boyfriend who used to threaten to kill himself so when I split with H I was prepared for him to threaten the same. I never thought that my DS would actually be thinking along those lines. It's all the more worrying because both of XHs paternal grandparents killed themselves. Bur I'm sure I've never passed those worries to DS.

OP posts:

EclecticShock · 27/05/2012 21:27

I think you should see your gp about gettin him professional help.

invicta · 27/05/2012 21:30

Have you looked at The Samaritans or Childline website? There's bound to be advice there. Hope you all are okay.

Selks · 27/05/2012 21:35

I work in CAMHS. I would recommend that you take DS to the GP and request a referral to CAMHS - an assessmemt needs to be done by CAMHS to see whether he is struggling with these thoughts or even if he is at risk of acting on them. It may be nothing as severe as that but better safe than sorry. Either way it sounds like he could do with someone to talk to to process what has happened re his parents splitting up. It could have left him feeling worried and low.

Selks · 27/05/2012 21:37

Sorry if that sounds a bit alarmist. There may be no risk at all with your DS, so keep calm, but he does sound a bit emotionally upset so I would seek some support for him.

Pagwatch · 27/05/2012 21:46

It is unlikely that you have 'passed worries on to DS'.
Equally - having negative thoughts, feeling suicidal is not a fault or a weakness - it may mean that he is struggling or unwell and needs help. That is not a bad thing or a defect or a reflection upon you as a parent.
So deal with it as you would if he said 'i need to pee all the time and feel faint'
Go and see a professional.

Original poster

Worriedaboutds · 27/05/2012 21:48

I've had to hide the fact that he's been talking to the welfare teacher at school (sorry can't think of her proper title) because XH was adamant that he didn't want either DCs to have counseling when we split up. DD is older and has been through an assessment in the past for eating disorder/anxiety and she has organized her own counseling through school which her Dad doesn't know about.

DS is actually fairly upbeat most of the time but he does have those very sad moments still.

OP posts:

Boardiegirl · 27/05/2012 22:07

I also refer a lot of clients to CAMHS, where Selks works. I agree, get a referral from your GP. Explain to DS that you are pleased he has trusted you with very personal thoughts and that sometimes its good to talk about some subjects with Professionals and this is one of those subjects. This reassures DS that you are not overwhelmed by what he has told you, that you have taken his concerns seriously and that they are not terribly frightening or unusual, (other people must have difficult stuff too if there are Professionals to listen to him...yea?).
Remember though that he may have been 'testing' your reaction, if so you have done the right thing in asking for referral rather than saying 'dont be siilly' etc. CAMHS won't mind if it's all ok, plus your mind will be eased.
It is also possible that he has 'learned' fromXH that it is a thing that 'men' say when they feel sad....? If so, he may not have a complete grasp of the term 'suicide'. Def worth investigating in the way you best feel suits your DS. Good luck with it all and remember that most who take their own lives do not voice their intention so blatantly.

Oh and def talk with the welfare person, s/he has rules of confidentiality but they don't extend to suicidal thoughts. S/he could be useful to identify how your DS is presenting at school.
Last thing, if you do speak about it to stupid XH,ask DS first, then if XH says anything DS wont feel betrayed.

Boardiegirl · 27/05/2012 22:10

the children are far more important than what XH thinks about support services, if they need help go for it. If DS is usually upbeat then something is likely to be helping... the welfare officer maybe but you his mum, definitely. Keep it up and pat your own back sometimes! :)

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 27/05/2012 22:46

I have experienced this. My mum took my sister to see the gp and she was referred quite quickly to counselling. My sister was 15 at the time-last year, but can't remember what the counselling service was called.

Take ds to gp and emphasise he can always talk to you about anything and you are glad he told you what he did. He mustn't feel alone or a burden. X

morethanpotatoprints · 27/05/2012 22:54

You need to go to your GP, as it could be depression. They will ask your dc questions and will advise what course of action to take. Talk to your son and tell him many children feel like this when they are sad. I am not a professional but have experience with dcs and some of their friends.

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 27/05/2012 22:54

That's a really hard thing to hear from your kid.

I don't have anything to add, the advice on here looks sound to me.

Just wanted to send you a ((hug)) and say that you should be very proud of yourself for raising a boy who would share that with you.

Original poster

Worriedaboutds · 28/05/2012 12:11

Thank you for hugs and advice. GP appointment booked and will hopefully get a referral to get him some help.

OP posts:

AdventuresWithVoles · 28/05/2012 12:33

Keep him talking about the things that bother him & what he can do to make things better. I was a suicidal child & DS went thru a bad phase when he was bullied (age 9-10).

OliveandJim · 28/05/2012 12:46

I agree with Adventure, I too was a suicidal child and after attempting it was referred to a child psychologist for 1 year (around 11). I have to admit that no therapy helped at all (I never opened up and actually lied to the poor woman so she couldn't help me), all I wanted was for my mum to care enough to talk to me. Specialist wary greatly in quality but if you take your DS statement as a cry for help, it's your help he wants, not some stranger's in an office.

solidgoldbrass · 28/05/2012 12:50

Never mind what your XH thinks, his opinion doesn't matter. It sounds like your DS would benefit from a bit of help and there is nothing shameful about it.

Jux · 28/05/2012 15:43

My dd told the school nurse that she found the kitchen knives tantalising. The school nurse phoned me and told me to hide them and any pills we had. (She was v concerned about breaking dd's confidence but felt it was warranted.) DD was referred to CAMHS, but for various reasons it didn't go further and dd now refuses to see any counsellor (this is due to dh's attitude, not to CAMHS).

This all blew up a couple of years ago. She is 12 now.

DD still gets very depressed sometimes, but it tends not to be so acute. She writes a lot of poetry and draws a lot, listens to music, and gets her feelings out like that. She does talk to me, but when she's bad she prefers to be on her doing the writing, drawing etc.

If she wants to talk, I listen, cuddle. She doesn't want much else from me at those times. It breaks my heart that I can't do more, but it doesn't help her if I try so I don't.

I am so sorry about your boy. I'm not sure you can do more than try counselling, and listen to him when he wants to talk, and hugs (if he'll have them at his age!).

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