Help me get a grip and stop worrying about DD(11) and the future!

[sandyballs]

I'm not even a worrying kind of person normally but I feel stressed at the moment about DD who is 11 and in year 6. Ive posted on here before about her. She's misbehaving at school, silly show-off type stuff, trying to impress her peers, particularly boys. Her teacher yesterday said she started reading a magazine in class, ignoring her attempts to start the lesson and also wandered around the class, trying to get a laugh. She used to be extremely well behaved at school, this is quite a recent thing and she says he is bored. I know year 6 is all geared up to SATs and it is repetitive learning but how do I get it into her that she can't behave like that in lessons. Her teacher yesterday said she was very easily led and she worries about the type of kids she could possibly latch onto at secondary. DD is bright but I worry she's going to go mess about at secondary and waste it all, maybe a bit dramatic at a 11, but after reading some threads on here maybe not.

Another thing which is feaking me out is boys. She mostly hangs around out of school with a large group of boys from her year, most of whom are nice enough lads as far as I can tell. There are always boys knocking on the door or texting her and I am torn between thinking, great it's nice to have friends of both sexes (she does have girl friends too), and on the other hand I think hang on, she's 11. I was reading her texts yesterday and one boy sent her a text saying 'I'm sexy and I know it', she replied 'Do you think you are or do you know you are, because I know you are lol'. It just all seems too old for that age group , it's really upset me. I thought DH would freak but he dismissed it saying they were kids who hear things like that on the radio and on TV and they don't really understand it all. But maybe they do, maybe she is getting interested in sex, maybe the boys are. How do I know the boys haven't seen inappropriate stuff on phones or tv and are thinking about experimenting with DD, and as she's so easily led, would she say no?

DD does stupid dares constantly to stay 'in the crowd' and be seen as cool, we've talked and talked to her until we are blue in the face, saying you need to decide what is a fun silly dare and what is downright stupid and/or dangerous and learn to shrug them off and walk away. Real friends wouldn't have the hump with you over a stupid dare etc etc. Yesterday the boys were streaking in the park and mooning, she swore that she hadn't done anything like that and she thought it was disgusting but she could be just saying that to me.

She gets angry and defensive when we try and talk about anything, then thinks an apology and a hug and everything will be fine.

I'm rambling now but I'm so worried about her. She has a twin sister who is the total opposite, a real easy going home-bird type.

At the moment I've confiscated the phone and trips out are banned due to school behaviour but I can't lock her up forever. I just didn't expect all this at 11, she seems to have changed dramatically in the last couple of months.

Bump

You sound like you are going through a tough time.

I don't have loads of advice, but I do have twin daughters and picked up on the difference in personalities comment. Mine are very different too and the one who gives me the most worries is the one who is most insecure in her friendships like your DD. She is influenced so much more by her peers than her twin is, and while at the moment it is small things like not asking questions in class, ( not cool), only wearing a very set style of clothes and being hideously embarrassed by all adults who care about her, I worry about what this will mean for her in terms of standing her ground on the bigger issues later on.

Her twin is well liked with a good group of friends who she doesn't worry about pleasing, is thoughtful and comfortable around adults and has a very clear sense of self. They are so different, yet we have encouraged these qualities in both and have parented them as equally as possible. Personality must be a massive factor in behaviour.

I hope it is a phase for my DD, but what I have made sure of is that I always know, ( to the best of my ability) where and with whom she is spending her time to cut down on any surprises. I also try and make time just for her, incase she does want to chat or is in need of a hug and I take an interest in her interests so she doesn't feel isolated. I also am quite good at saying no to letting her do stuff just because her friends are doing it, ( she doesn't like it but it's that old cliche of boundaries: if they are quite strict your kids don't have to do much to feel like they are rebelling but on the other hand if you are lax your kids never know how far they have to push you to cross the line and will keep going.)

It sounds like this insecurity is part of your DDs character, it well may be that as she matures her self-esteem will grow and she will not need to draw attention to herself. All you can do is make sure she knows that lots of people value her for just being herself and the 'acting up' is only attractive to people who don't really care about her at all.
Good luck

Thanks emphatic you talk a lot of sense. Can't post much as at work but will come back to this