how to deal with DS's behaviour in light of my mum's terminal illness

[Choufleur]

I'll try to keep this short. My mum has terminal cancer - she was in hospital for a long period earlier this year and has now lost use of her legs and is in a wheelchair. She also has limited mobility in both her arms.

We've not told DS that she is going to die as I don't want to until we know that we are nearer to the end.

DS is very close to my DM - she looked after him a lot when i went back to work and has always picked him up from school one or two days a week. he would also go for regular sleepovers at her house. This has all stopped very abruptly because of the cancer.

DS is obviously confused by the changes that have occurred. I've arranged for him to stay at his other grandparents for the night in a couple of weeks. When I said to him about going to stay there earlier this evening he completely broke down and was sobbing, saying that he didn't want to go; he wanted to go to my mum's; wanted things back to how they were etc.

he was like that for about 20 mins. He has regularly been quite upset recently about various things.

I reassure him that DH and I are always there for him, if he's worried he can talk to either of us, or my mum if he wants to but it breaks my heart to see him so upset.

Any advice on how to help him through this and the inevitable grief when my mum passes? My dad died nearly 2 years ago too which doesn't help.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him the truth...how old is he?

I think he is in essence ;grieving' hes having to accept the fact that his life has changed,his grandma to whom he shared a close relationship with has suddenly changed,the relationship has changed things are different....you need to explain to him that grandma is poorly but encourage him to speak on the phone to her and visit as much as possible for him and for your mum,the cancer may be terminal but love is eternal and a great medicine - sometimes its not the words we do speak its the words we dont.

Good luck op may God bless you all at this terrible time xx

He's 6. I don't think he needs to spend how ever many months worrying about her dying. She has secondary breast cancer in her bones - it's spreading fairly quickly but isn't in soft tissue yet.

choufleur I agree with you, but he is already worrying about it, clearly, and is upset by it, and may well feel that he is the only person who realises that she is going to die - it's a tough one, and if he was carrying on ok I'd go with not talking to him about it. Let him lead the way, maybe? get him to talk about her and the changes that have happened, let it come up naturally (if it does!). You sound like you are open and ready to listen - it's important to acknowledge his feelings, but not to let them define him - children will be terribly upset and then want to go and play when they are grieving.

Sorry - I wasn't meaning to sound so blunt. And this must be unimaginably hard for you as well - very sad for you all.