8yo DD and OTT reactions to stuff

[ChameleonCircuit]

My DD is 8, and doesn't seem to get the appropriate level of response to stuff. For example, if I'm brushing her hair and happen to catch a knot, I'll get "what did you do that for?!?" or last night I'd told her that when we got home, she was to go straight up and get ready for bed. I pottered about in the kitchen for a minute, then discovered she was sitting on the sofa, still in her coat. When I said to get ready for bed, she shouted "you haven't even looked at my arms!" I said I didn't understand what she meant, and she said that her arms were wrapped around her tummy because it hurt - I said I couldn't understand why she didn't just say "I have tummy ache".

These are just two examples of her "inappropriate" level of reaction, there are more, and I don't know if it's just how she is or if it's an indication of a problem.

When she was 3 1/2 we lost her brother at 24 weeks of pregnancy and I wonder if she could still be reacting to that. She was such a laid back, cheery toddler.

Sorry this is long, but I'm at a loss as to how to help her. We've since had another boy who is now 3 and she acts like a 4 year old where he's concerned - if he gets something, she strops before I even have a chance to explain why he's got something and not her. I thought with her being older there wouldn't be such a level of squabbling. How wrong can you be?'

Perhaps you need to set some time alone with her and have a chat. See what happens. Perhaps she may be frustrated which happens a lot to teenagers but I think you need to try speaking with her first before you decide how you need to respond to this. Have you spoken to her about the loss of her brother?

Thanks. We have had countless chats, but nothing seems to change. We talk about her brother a lot, but I had thought that maybe a professional counsellor might make more progress than we can.

She's 8, Drama queen is par for the course with a lot of them at my age, as is stroppy behaviour & trying to string out bed times, so be careful not to give her reasons that she can use for attention IYSWIM

Mine can be similar, started at 7 & is still that way at 9 if she thinks she can get away with it -

You need to sit your DD down & FIRMLY lay down some ground rules, ie, your not a mind reader, if her tummy hurts she has to tell you, not just sit there & ignore your instruction - also that stroppy prima donna behaviour isn't acceptable & she talks to you & anyone else in the way that she would want to be spoken too & she does as she's told with bed times etc etc

If you really think that her Brother is an issue for her, then speak with her School, you can probably arrange for her to see the Schools counsellor for a few sessions, which will help determine if this is really the root cause, but TBH at 8, this sounds like perfectly normal behaviour to me

good luck :)

I am sorry, I do not understand why do we need to react in this way to children's "attention seeking behaviour", rockinhippy? If they need attention, is it not better to respond to it by letting them know we are there to listen to them, rather than letting them know they are not worth our attention? Do you think it will lead to them constantly seeking attention? I doubt it. It is more likely that when we do not respond by offering our attention, we will have teenagers who do not come to us with their problems (because we regard this as pointless attention seeking).

Also, to tell a 8 year old that she needs to word her feelings in a particular way seems rather unrealistic. I think even adults, when troubled by something, especially when it might have to do with death, loss, fears, cannot always word their feelings and instead strop and whine. How can we expect a young child to be able to say "Dear mother, I have existential concerns which I would hope, when you have time, we could discuss..." Unlikely, I'd say.

WHich does NOT mean that you should let this all continue the way it is. Instead, I'd suggest, you try to create an atmosphere in which she is able to display and work through her emotions knowing that she will be listened to. One good source for tips and advice for tackling this kind of behaviour is, in my opinion, Aletha Solter's "Helping young children flourish" - it is on the age group that is so often not part of any parenting advice, i.e 2-8 years. The author does also emphasise that it can be applied at a later age. But the approach relieves parents from the constant feeling of failure when facing such behaviour, and offers advice how to help children face and benefit from their emotions - and eventually, learn to express them in a non-offensive manner.

It might be also worthwhile thinking whether anyone else in the household tends to behave in the way she does. You may be in for a surprise - I was :)

Best of luck!
M

So every adult who throws their toys out of the pram & throws a strop gets your attention then mamma

Surely its far better to teach our DCs that if they want our attention, this is not the way to go about it, otherwise we are at risk of raising divas - nowhere in my reply did I say IGNORE the OPs DD behaviour, but to teach that its not the right way to go about it & take it from there

& at 8, this sort of behaviour IS par for the course, even without the upset this family has gone through, so IME its important to bare that in mind, or you risk MAKING this upset the actual problem, rather than seeing it as a normal part of growing up & flexing their 8 yr old muscles so to speak

I do not think 8 year olds qualify as adults. Trouble is, you can only teach people when they are NOT upset. She is more likely not to get that message you are trying to deliver (how to ask for attention properly) but only hears that you do not want to listen to you. Same thing with sending children to their room, hoping they would think about their bad behaviour - in that room, they are more likely to fume of anger that they were sent away, not contemplate how to become a better person.
But yes, I agree, you have to keep in mind the particular age, and not make the upset the actual problem. Just I disagree that we can teach them at this point - rather, that we need to teach them the same thing, but simply in a somewhat more sneaky way :)

Sry, you do not want to listen to her, of course. Although listening to yourself is sometimes also an issue... :o

I didn't say they did, but ALL DCs are little adults in training & it's our job as parents to teach them well - that includes putting your foot down & not accepting bad behaviour as okay because they are seemingly upset

8 year old DDs will ACT upset to get out of going to bed on time FACT, they can also be stroppy mares & talk to you like dirt if you let them get away with it FACT - not addressing that behaviour, does them no favours at all.

I do discuss these sorts of behaviours with mine, & she openly admits to having play-acted, she also admits to pushing to see how far she can get with bad attitude, because I've picked up on the fact she's play acting & she's angry I caught her out

& yes you are right, of course they'll sit in their room & fume when sent there - but I've never for one moment thought my DD would do otherwise - what I teach her by sending her there when she's being disrespectful, is that if she wants my attention, then she speaks to me, or anyone, as she would want to be spoke to, if she can't do that, then I don't want her company until she CAN come & speak to me properly & yes, she understands that, as when she's calmed down its discussed.

I do think it can sometimes be too easy to "over think" what in reality is very simple, but then I suppose thats down to how we grew up ourselves & what we were taught as DCs, or whether or not we've learned to listen & know ourselves BEFORE we have DCs :)

Chamelon I'm thinking on this further & wondering what you instinctively you're DD is doing - to me your title OTT reactions suggests you already know she IS over reacting & playing you, but because of the tragedy you've all suffered you are worried you are being unfair & questioning that instinct - thats why I suggested school counselling service, because they will route out any real problems or not & put your mind at rest - IME I would always go with my instinct, IME, when it comes to our DCs - its never wrong :)

My own DD did go through a phase where her Diva tantrums & stroppiness somehow changed - difficult to explain, but there was a more hysterical edge to it, very subtle as she's a very good little actress, but somehow I just KNEW it was different - that time round she was having bullying problems with her friends, but at first felt she was somehow at fault because they ALL turned on her at once & didn't speak out - she soon opened up & let it all out, but it took me holding her down whilst she was in a full on hysterical fit after confronting her stroppy behaviour

instinctively THINK - typo gremlins

I have similar issues with 7yo DS.
I am still muddling thru, but can say with 100% assurance that 1) Ignoring and 2) Zero tolerance simply don't work (tried both for many years).

Sitting and listening, figuring out what DS might really be anxious about & fixing it & helping him to fix it, anticipating things that will upset him before they happen, those work better, though not perfect.

I was going to say the same -- trust your gut feelings. And your child. I am sure there are occasional diva moments and some children have learned to manipulate, but the vast majority of cases they do not (unless we teach them by not trusting them).
In the end, whatever you decide to do has to be right for you and your faily, both short and long term.

I am sure there are occasional diva moments and some children have learned to manipulate, but the vast majority of cases they do not

I'm sorry mamma but I have to wholeheartedly disagree with that, its incredibly naive, as is your follow up statement - I can only presume that you either don;t have DDs (boys are very different) or your DCs are still very young.

That said I was equally naive to this possibility before DD reached the age of "playing me" by play acting distress at bed time - none of us want to think our DCs can be that way inclined, but its not the same as manipulation in adults, its just little girls flexing their muscles in a more cerebral way, as DDs tend to do, its game playing & fantasy, but one that gets us Mums jumping, which they see & naturally like.

My DD is very honest by nature, she also hasn't been taught negative behaviour with mistrust - sorry, but that sound far more bookish, than it does RL experience of 7/8 yr old DDs - When my DD started this play acting at bedtime & had me worried to death by some of the things she was coming out with - but my instinct screamed she was acting, yet I felt bad for thinking that - I had ALL our friends with older DDs laugh & tell me its normal at that age & the thread I put on one of these parenting boards, got EXACTLY the same response.

I also asked DDs opinion last night - she laughed & said, oh yes, all my friends did that to stay up later - she remembers it well :)

Rock - Not sure about your statements that all DDs do that. Not talking about my DC here but myself, I grew up in the 70s and when I was around 8 /9 I was trying to avoid going to bed at night for what I believe to be a pretty good reason. My mum never took my anxiety seriously and would invariably send me to bed on my own ignoring my tantrum. I ended up on pretty strong sleeping pills by the age of 11 because of I was so terrified at night and have had nightmares all my life (I'm 40 now). I wish my parents would have taken the time to talk and listen to me. Not all DDs are divas who manipulate, some really do have issues they can't express and Mayamamas' approach sounds like what I wish my mum had done.

Not all DDs are divas who manipulate, some really do have issues they can't express

Of course they do Olive & you obviously did & mammas approach would have been right in your situation, as it was for my own Dd when she DID have issues she was struggling with.

All I'm say is, that it CAN be perfectly normal behaviour at this age, WITHOUT any other issues - & I don't agree with calling DDs Divas, or manipulative - but if they learn this sort of behaviour works for them, thats what we risk them growing up into - basically its a fine line, which is why trusting out maternal instinct is so important - I'm sorry your Mum didn't do that