DS2 attention seeking behaviour and aggression with his peers. I am at the end of my tether - PLEASE HELP?

[Pinot]

Oh lord am I hoping someone can advise me on this.

DS2 (just turned 11) has ADD. He has always had poor relationships with peers - he regularly behaves in irritating/annoying ways and is ignored/left out by school friends because of it. He has also lashed out recently and been physically aggressive to a child at school who was annoying him.

His teacher has no sensible advice (newly qualified) and I am at a loss as to what to do. I genuinely am terrified at him going to High School in September and what he will do there/how he will cope.

I veer from sympathy for him being left out, to being bloody cross that despite our repeated advice to him, he again and again goes back to irritating behaviour.

An example: yesterday DS2 was playing in the play park out front with DS1 and DS3 and some neighbouring kids. All getting on nicely, apart from DS2 who starts to rock the swings they're sitting on so violently that one of the boys falls off. Why? Just to be annoying? So sure enough the rest of the group move away from him and he is left by himself.

Please - what can I do to help him?

Please be kind to me - I've not slept much last night due to worry so am likely to cry :(

Pinot, I have no advice for you but yours sounds just like my singleton DD. If things aren't going her way, she'll spoil it for others. It makes me really sad that she can't see the long term effect this has on her relationships with her peers.
Mine can also be a know it all little madam. That tends to piss of her school friends too.
Can you talk to another teacher? even though yours is NQT she must have some suggestions. Does he respond well to being given responsibility? could he be the dinner money/tidy up/getting changed monitor?
If all that fails, send him over to me. He and DD can sit and sulk together.

(((hugs))) for you Pinot.

If DS's teacher can't help, can you request a meeting with the SENCO?

High School needn't be a frightening thing. You've got to start seeing it, and selling it to DS as a chance for a 'fresh start'. He will have a much bigger pool of children to make his friendships in, as well as a wider range of clubs and activities where hopefully he will find his 'thing'.

Thank you my gorgeous cyber chums.
I have something in my eye

I will arrange a proper meeting with a SENCO.

That's a good start. Even if she can't do anything in school (don't know if your DS has got a statement) push for information about things you can access at home.

Good luck.

I'd suggest in addition looking into parenting advice that would emphasise the therapeutic element - such as Aletha Solter "Helping young children flourish". She points out research according to which ADD children benefit from being allowed to rage and cry in supportive environment, and analyses such examples that you are giving as a kind of cry for help. It may not be your thing, but just thought I'd point this out.
Good luck to you and your son...!

Thanks Maya, I appreciate (and need) all input like this I can get. I am failing him, I know it. THANK YOU!

Maya, that book includes advice for kids up to age 8. Would it be suitable for DS2 (he's 11)? Would the principles apply do you think or have I missed the boat?

Yes, the book emphasises that it is not too late to start applying the principles (of allowing children to express the emotions in particular supportive environments) also later - although it might be more difficult. I am also not suggesting this is the only cure, I am sure you are looking for other help as well. But this approach that the book describes in some ways relieves us as parents from the feeling of failure and desperation that our children's crying, tantrums and ager creates. It helps us understand that this may in fact be what the child NEEDS to do in order to find an emotional balance and teaches how to support the child in this. He is still a child not even a proper teenager yet, so you will have the time to regain his trust and ability to control his emotions better, eventually. Solter has another book (which does not state the exact age so might relieve you from the feeling that it is not applicable :) ) "Tears and tantrums" this concentrates specifically on crying and raging. The book I mentioned before talks about other options as well, such as laughing, for instance. YOu can check also their website, Aware Parenting .