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Original poster

Can anyone help?

21 replies

jerry21 · 17/02/2006 15:24

Hi,

I am new here but have browsed for a while and saw how helpful everyone was so I was wondering if anyone could help me.
I have a 3 year old DS and at the moment, is not getting on well at nursery. His teachers are saying that he is disruptive, aggressive at times (towards the other children as well as the teachers), doesn't listen and is just generally naughty. This is upsetting for me as he is nowhere like this at home, he is loving, helpful, and very funny. I can take him to play with my friends children no problem so I don't know if something is happening at nursery that is bothering him. He is by no means an angel at home, he can be boisterous just like any other 3 year old, but he is not the monster that they describe.
He goes to this nursery 5 afternoons a week, but there are a few things that bother me. One of his teachers said that some of the other children tend to wind him up to get a rise out of him, as they know he will react. He is quite sensitive and I know he doesn't like this, so I don't see why they are letting it happen. The teachers also tend to tell me how naughty he has been right in front of him. He is constantly looking for reassurrance at home like "I'm a good boy am I Mummy" and "look at this picture, I'm a clever boy aren't I". He thrives on praise, and I don't think he gets much when he is there. It breaks my heart as he gets upset telling me he doesn't want to go to nursery and that its horrible, he wants to stay at home.
We have recently moved house so I wonder if this is a factor in his behaviour. I am at my wits end as I don't know what to do to resolve this, and would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.
Sorry if this is long.
Thanks
x

OP posts:
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Aero · 17/02/2006 15:56

Hi jerry - welcome to mn.

No wise words for you I'm afraid, but happy to bump this to the top of active convos in the hope that someone with more experience of this will have some advice for you.

csa · 17/02/2006 15:59

oh dear. your poor ds. the teacher should never discuss his behaviour in front of him and it doesn't sound as if they are helping the situaion. is this the only nursery in the area?

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 16:05

Well, to be honest there are nurseries closer to us now as we have moved, but I didn't want to unsettle him too much by taking him out of there as well. I have signed him for for nursery at the local school, but that doesn't start until August, so I either change his nursery or get a childminder.
It is a private nursery he is at at the moment, which is why I am so upset - I thought they would be a bit more professional than they are being. Don't get me wrong, up until now, I haven't had a problem with them, but when my son is constanly upset and doesn't want to go, and misbehaves when he is there, then I have got problem, and they don't seem to be helping as much as I thought they would.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 17/02/2006 16:07

Move him. He's not settled now.

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 16:09

I know I probably should move him, but I can't be sure this will solve the problem really. I'm just trying to think what is best for him.
Oh, I really wish kids came along with instructions....

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 17/02/2006 16:14

Go and see some of the other nurseries.

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 16:18

I know I should, thanks for your help .
I think I just needed that push, and to know I wasn't being too hasty. But in my heart of hearts I know it would make things better, and there would't be so much stress, as this has gone on for too long really.

OP posts:
csa · 17/02/2006 16:29

not sure if this will help but usually when we have an issue with the care, we arrange a meeting time with the nursery manager and the key contact or person in charge of that room. that way, we get to discuss the situation with them away from the children and try and find a way forward. and then, we usually have another follow up meeting a week later to assess the situation again. maybe you have already tried that?

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 16:35

Hi csa,
Yes, we had a meeting, which didn't really resolve anything as they suggested he go in a couple of full days which I don't aggree with, if he is unhappy only going in the afternoon as it is.
I just felt that they were questioning my partenting skills in a way, and DH put them straight as we are consistent with him, and we explained that he is quite well behaved at home. We have not arranged a follow up as yet, but I get the feeling if we do, theres not much else we can do apart from move him if this doesn't get resolved. DS even asks to go to a different nursery, so I just need to think about him and what he needs.

OP posts:
csa · 17/02/2006 16:37

guess that might be your only answer. good luck!

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 16:41

Thanks for all your help!!!
x

OP posts:
Elibean · 17/02/2006 20:25

How upsetting, Jerry...I agree: different nursery. It sounds pretty clear its the nursery thats the problem, and if they point the finger (at him, at you, anywhere but themselves!) when the issue is discussed...well, that seals their fate, in my book!
Good luck hunting...hope your little boy is happier in the new one.

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 20:35

Thanks Elibean, I really shouldn't have let this go on for so long.
Today seemed to be a bit better, they had no complaints, and DS hasn't said anything since he has been home, but that is only one day, and I'm no happier with the situation. I see my H/V next week so I can get everything off my chest and she is lovely. She should have some ideas about nurseries nearby, so I can get started to find a better place for DS. Its really horrible going to work and worrying about DS, when really I should feel that he is happy and being looked after by the right people.
Thank you for all your responses, it has actually made me feel so much better about this.

OP posts:
redstarfalling · 17/02/2006 20:40

I would seriously consider a different nursery or maybe a childminder where he can have more 1:1 to make him feel more secure until August. My dd 2.5 loves her nursery but does sometimes ask repeatedly at home are you happy with me which makes us a little concerned. I am quite shocked about the way the staff have talked about and in front of your ds. It would not happen at dd's nursery - the manager would act immediately if we raised the issue. I think the problem is definately nursery. I'm sure this doesn't help but it might give you a view of other nurseries. Good luck

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 20:48

Thats what bothers me redstarfalling, I know they have to tell me what has been happening all day, and obviously I want to know, but I feel I should be taken aside away from him as the slating him right in front of his face won't do much for his confidence, so no wonder he needs constantly reassured!
There was one instance a while ago where they did this in front of another parent which I did complain about, and it hasn't happened since.
I am going to arrange another meeting to stress all my concerns, I felt I didn't get to do this at the previous meeting as I was just being told how bad he was basically, which was quite upsetting to me - it just felt they were talking about another child as I have never seen my DS behave that way!

OP posts:
Lauraa83 · 17/02/2006 21:10

Hello

Have read you question jerry21 and some of the thread and would defintely move him to a different nursery if possible?

My ds doesn't actually go to nursery yet but that is defintely what I'd do

Laura

Sparklemagic · 17/02/2006 21:10

Jerry, I have had a very similar experience with my DS and I can wholeheartedly say MOVE HIM! It is HIGHLY unprofessional of staff to say negative things in fron of your son and simply shouldn't happen. As you say the staff should not let other children 'bait' him, they should be more on top of what is happening.

My DS was also in a private nursery, funnily enough. The negativity about him I found unbearable and just as you say, I didn't want my DS's confidence knocked in any way. I moved him to a local pre-school and the staff are much more human, more accepting and nurturing. I think that is the main thing boys of this age need - a nurturing ethos while they learn the important social skills.

If you moved him you might also be able to find a morning place - don't know if that fits in to your life, but I wonder if tiredness might make it more difficult for your son to cope with the whole experience. Mornings seem the better time for toddlers to me!

I have not for an instant regretted moving him - where I had negative comments and an air of disapproval, I now have smiles and lovely comments when he comes out, and he seems 100% more relaxed. Your son sounds a perfectly normal, lovely child and if he was being given the opportunity to cope at nursery, he WOULD be coping - take him somewhere they can appreciate him a bit more. A friend said to me when I was thinking of moving my DS "a child this age can't be wrong - the place is wrong".

Original poster
jerry21 · 17/02/2006 21:21

Sparklemagic, thanks for your advice. I actually work afternoons, so need childcare then, but hopefully he has a place at the local school nursery from August, so will need to arrange something for around the times (it is 12.30 until 3 there). He has recently just stopped his naps (I mentioned this on another thread ) so am unsure if this could play a factor in his behaviour. I do actually prefer the school nurseries beacuse, as you said, they do seem to be more understanding to your childs needs, and are much more human!!
I am more than willing to change my job to fit in with childcare, and am trying to change my hours. I know that a child that age doesn't do wrong, and that is something the nursery don't seem to understand.
I am glad that your DS is more settled and it reassures me that you have had the same experience, and the actions you took have helped him and he is more appreciated and happier where he is now. Thank you

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 17/02/2006 21:49

My ds3 was younger when something similar-ish happened (he atrted getting clingy nd screaming, not something he did at home) and I moved him to a childminder, much better- suited him a treat. he is still with a CM and starts Nursery at school next year (very young 2.5) and I am glad he had the break before strating a nursery he couldn't have been removed from without difficulty and sacrificing a school place.

FWIW my Sis took over managing the first Nursery last year and the first thing she did (without knowing this) was sack ds3's care worker on the spot for neglect / shouting at babies.

Sparklemagic · 17/02/2006 22:04

best of luck with it all Jerry x

kitegirl · 18/02/2006 03:51

Jerry - poor you how upsetting for you and your ds, it sounds like this nursery is not right for your ds. Unfortunately the fact it's private is not going to mean the care is better. Their lack of professionalism and process sounds appalling. I would not worry about unsettling your ds with a change, the most important thing is that he is happy and you are happy to leave him with whoever is caring for him. I have found MN a wonderful support and an unbeatable resource in problems like this, and as you see from all the posts we are all sympathising with you. Hope you sort it out
xxx

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