Advice re poor behaviour of 14yr old niece please

[ZuzuandZara]

A bit of history. My bro and sil recently split and bro has moved abroad. I think some of their problems may have been the behaviour of their (only) daughter. I get on well with sil although she has withdrawn from rest of the family a bit as she thinks we should have been telling my bro what a bastard he is and help them get back together. She was completely surprised by the break up.

My niece is a lovely girl, I think. She's only just turned 14. However, the story from my sil and school reports say something else. She's very rude to her mother (I have witnessed this) in a very Kevin teenager way. There seems to be no love at all. Sil has smacked her a couple of times. She's not doing well at school, just got her school report yesterday that says she's likely to be excluded for a day if she doesn't pull her socks up. 'abuse' of mobile phone is one problem, doesn't hand homework in on time, messes around in class, hangs out with other girls who mess around.

She's spoilt rotten and I see little parenting from her mum. She's out all the time with friends, stays up stupidly late on school nights on facebook, iphone, laptop, unlimited tv, mum doesn't check on homework, lovely holidays abroad with her dad (HK, LA, Thailand), lots of money from dad etc

When she's with me she's fab, polite, helpful, brilliant with my children.

I feel very sorry for my sil, she's still completely cut up by the break up but I feel she's not going about things the right way, niece doesn't seem to get any punishment at all for bad behaviour.

My niece is also very close to my mum, her grandma who plays a large part in her life and is very upset by it all.

What do I do? Stay out of it? I've spoken to niece a couple of weeks ago about making choices and how they may affect the rest of your life. It's difficult to support my sil as she's withdrawn from us.

Sorry for this mammoth post btw. Thanks for reading. Any advice gratefully received.

The niece's behaviour sounds pretty par for the course of a girl that age with disrupted home etc. She sounds like she has some basic decency and will probably come good in the end... long term.

Does sound like her Mum is struggling to impose any boundaries though. But all you (and your Mum) can do is try to influence the niece when she is with you, if she listens, you can try to get her to think about how her behaviour affects her mum and the wider family.

As for getting / suggesting the parents use more discipline, unless you have the sort of relationship where you could broach the subject without causing a rift I think all you can do is wait until you are asked for advice (if that ever happens).

Tough to see someone you love go through times like these, so totally understand why you want to step in.

FWIW I was pretty horrid to my Mum for a while in my teens, I was having some horrendous emotional problems (bad bullying, feeling suicidal) and had no idea how to handle it. We get on great now and have talked about it since. If someone had come along at that time to help me handle my problems and have any kind of understanding I would have been very grateful, as I was totally at sea with it all and didn't understand my own behaviour. I didn't enjoy being horrid to my Mum. No-one did come along in my case, and things improved only when the heat was out of the situation and I was old enough to have better understanding. :(

GinPalace, thanks for answering.

I agree with all you've said. I've always thought she'll come good in the end, I guess it's going to get worse before it gets better which is hard to watch.

I'll carry on lecturing guiding her.

It's very difficult to speak to sil with our current relationship, but I'm there if she wants to talk.

I find it so frustrating to watch the lack of parenting - I want to scream at sil to take away her privileges until she bucks up her ideas, not smack her! For her birthday recently she was so spoilt, with parties, presents etc, right after a terrible report from school. Aaaggh!

I'm sorry you went through similar but pleased to know you 'came good'!

She's probably pretty mixed up inside and is taking it out on her mum and school because that's the only way she can find to express it.

I can't imagine there is much you can say to her about making better choices than has already been said umpteen times by others. Perhaps instead you could try to be a non-critical ear for her to vent on. Someone to help her understand why her dad has deserted her and help her make sense of what must be quite overwhelming emotions.

She must be cross with her dad as well as cherishing the time she has with him and maybe she needs someone to help her feel ok about those emotions. She's unlikely to be able to talk to her mum about them.

I find that teenagers can really appreciate you treating them like an equal and expressing your own vulnerability a bit when they are going through times like this. It helps them to have an adult to bounce things around with who won't always act like they have all the answers.

Could you create an opportunity for a girly activity where you could perhaps both open up a bit and you could listen to what's going on deep down if she's prepared to share it?

Yes - I can well imagine your frustration! I would be chewing my knuckles so not to say anything!

I presume you have made it clear to SIL your support is unwavering and you are there for her? :)

Lets hope the spoiling doesn't permanently ruin an otherwise good character. :)

Your nieces behaviour sounds normal teenage behaviour. I know when mine were teens I could always rely on them to be polite to relations and my friends. She's taking stiff out on her Mum because that is who she's closest to and probably needs your SIL to help her through how she is feeling. She does need boundaries as do all teens. They may seem grown up but in reality they are still children and need an adults help. You sound a great aunt.

Mmm, I might need to reiterate that to sil GinPalace. I think the initial break up dust cloud has settled when we did a lot of talking and life's bumbling along now so I might need to speak to sil again to offer support.

Thanks Timandra. I have a quite grown up relationship with her and hope I do treat her like an equal. We've spoken about myself at her age, her dad and my other bro, the choices we made, how we're doing as adults etc. It must all be very hard for her to process that along with her own emotions. What you've said about her dad deserting her and her overwhelming emotions has reminded me of something. When they first split she used to cry a lot, and I used to listen, cuddle, support ask how she was, did she need to talk etc. But now I think about it, I haven't seen her cry for a long time and she's obviously dealing with her emotions in a different way so maybe I need to go back to how she's feeling about her dad etc rather than crapping on about school and making choices about behaviour.

Thanks both of you, I appreciate your input.

Thanks mummeeee. Yes I know she's definitely taking stuff out on her very closest! Maybe she blames her for the split. Her mum isn't the easiest person, lovely but quite shouty and naggy. It's the boundaries that seem to be the problem. There just aren't any.

Her mum's also lazy, chooses to work 10-6 (extra time in bed) rather than 9-5 so niece is with me, mum on at home on her own until 7 mon-fri. To me that should be the time she's at home with mum, no phone/laptop/tv doing homework, dinner etc. I can't say anything about that sort of thing though because I'd be interfering/criticising. (and I only have 2 year olds so haven't a clue what I'm talking about really!)