How to boost 6yr old esteem/confidence?

[recycleme]

My DS has always been extremely sensitive and relatively cautious but generally very happy and easy going. Recently at school teachers have noticed a change in his attitude, he has stopped contributing in class and doesn't complete exercises set by them, and got stroppy if they have told him off (not shouting)about something which is unusual for him as he normally loves school and mostly still does from what I can tell. I've noticed a lack of confidence and when I asked about his behviour at school he says he doesn't try because his work is rubbish and that he's rubbish etc. He is more aware that he struggles with writing compared to other kids. I don't know where this has come from and teacher's are none the wiser but something has obviously happened to trigger this change. When I try and give him encouragement and praise he used to take it but now he just says it's not true

At home he has been regressing toilet wise and pooing in his pants and often is lost in his own world. He doesn't always respond to what DH or I ask him to do or make any effort to go to the toilet. I am starting to lose my patience with the toilet thing and don't know what to do.

I know I have to keep positive but I don't know why this is happening or what to do about it, please help

This will not be a magic wand but I know a lovely activity that can help children with low self esteem.

You draw round them on some wallpaper/lining paper.
The outline goes up on the wall and you ask him what are his good points.
He will probably need a fair bit of prompting so you can start with 'you have a lovely smile' and stick a post-it or draw a big smile.
He might say 'i can do good lego' and stick a post-it on his hand.
He might say entirely negative things but at least that will be a starting point for a conversation about why he feels like this.

Get him to draw round you and join in.

Generally - keep being positive but be careful not to over do it. You dont want him to ignore you because he thinks you are pouring it on just to cheer him up. If he is sensitive he will probably catch on pretty quickly.

I am not sure what else to suggest because I suspect you are doing all the right things already.

Thanks for your reply, good idea i'll try that

Be very alert for signs of bullying.

Take every opportunity you get for praising and complementing him but makes sure you give each comment a reason.

"Thank you for hanging your coat up without being asked. It makes it much easier for mummy to keep the hall tidy."

I like taking you to xxxx because you are always so polite and I can be proud of you."

Just keep drip-feeding the message that he is a good person with lots to offer.

There is a book about raising confident kids - think it's by Gael Lindenfield (sp?). I haven't read it but spot it regularly on a friend's bookshelf - both her kids are pretty confident! :)

Might be worth a read?

Im havin a similar problem with my 6 yr old at the minute too. He always says he's rubbish, that he's got no friends and even started asking me if i hate him. I posted about it a few weeks ago cos it was breaking my heart. I thought it was bullying at first but i work in his school and am able to 'spy' on him at break times and lunch and he's always playing happily with his friends. Last Friday he threw an enormous tantrum in class over a broken pencil case, and literally sped out of his class and down the corridor to my class room...his teacher then had to physically carry him back to class kicking and screaming. I was in tears :( We moved to Spain in September so a few people suggested that it may be because of that...but that was 9 months ago now so I don't know. I've tried positive reinforcement, giving extra cuddles, praising good behaviour, more one to one time etc etc but every now and again he retreats. Its almost as tho he's in his own little dream world, like he's got the whole world on his shoulders. Its so hard isn't it?

My parents came to visit last week and undermined EVERYTHING i did or said with regards to DS and that seems to have aggravated the problem times a million! Hope someone has the answer on here cos it's so difficult seeing him so sad sometimes xxxxxxx

Recycleme and ccaatthhyy2 your sons sound v similar to mine although mine is 7 nearly 8 yo. I have been trying to get school to help but its difficult they are v good at positive reinforcement and he is a well behaved boy. This week we have had test week at school and several complete meltdowns from DS, I don't know what to do. Dh (who is a bit of a stress bunny about exams etc) says he thinks we should almost ignore it because positive reinforcement is a pressure too e.g drives a need to please and "achieve" the positive reinforcement. I don't know but he may have a point. Will look at the book Jinsei suggests

Funnily enough, someone said something similar to me about achieving positive reinforcements...and my bf thinks i'm mollycoddling him when i praise the smallest thing, like, 'well done for wiping ur own arse'!! Im at a loss...I've spoken to his teacher but it's difficult for me because we're living in Spain at the moment and the way they teach and deal with the children is so different to the way things are handled in the UK. My friend suggested that he may be feeling insecure about something and that I need to counteract this by telling him I love him and that he's amazing, which is what I do anyway. I tell him I love him all the time, spend quality time with him, and praise him...but, if he's naughty...then I will shout at him and punish him by not letting him watch tv or by not letting him take his football into school. I think he may have a bit of separation anxiety too because im having a lot of trouble getting him to go to bed alone at night...so i dont know whether this is all linked? I might look at that book too...altho im just glad that im not the only one out there having similar problems because i was beginning to think it was because i was an awful mum and doing something wrong :( xxx

You are not an awful mum at all and if you are you're not alone. If its any consolation I know of several other boys who have had similar problems at around same age, I have wondered if it's a developmental thing

caatthhyy2 - it's hard isn't it, sorry you're having so much trouble as well . I'm sure you're a fab mum, don't beat yourself up. I find myself doing the same and it really helps no one, least of all DS.

I did ask the teachers about bullying and they have been keeping an eye on him. There is the class bully who did pick on him last year and that really unsettled him. Things seem better but he still does annoy the kids in his class but DS doesn't really tell me much about it. His friend told me teh bully pushed him over the other day at school. Teachers didn't see him do it and DS didn't tell them about it.

I think in his case it's more an awareness problem and possibly one of the kids has rubbished his work or said something and DS has taken it to heart and applied it to all that he does.

Could be a developmental thing, I can see some of the boys in his class are starting to get really competitive.

Thanks for book suggestion will try and find it. Might help lift him out of this low patch