sons behaviour(6)nasty to me but not mum

[homer059]

my 6 year old son 7 in a few weeks behaviour towards me can be real nasty calling me names throwing things at me but is golden most of the times with his mum,he is very good at school and doing very well,i have tried everything from ignoring,taking things away the naughty door,i am a prison officer and i am strict but i will help at his school and play games i only tell him off when its needed.he has siamen lines on both hands and his behaviour is typical he becomes tunneld vision and can fly of the handle he does not handle being told off or disapointment well,i am at the end of my teather where it could split me and my wife up,we have a 2 year old girl we have also been together for 22 years,can any one help,my wife keeps saying the doctors but will not go through with it.

Sorry I'm no expert but didn't want to read and run. What I would say from what you've written is that your parenting style might be clashing somewhat with the personality of your son - he certainly sounds quite cross and like he's struggling to communicate with you. Perhaps he is trying to mimic your style, to a certain extent, by trying to establish being authoritative or in charge - inevitably this will bring you into conflict with him. The MN classic for diffusing or managing conflict is this book, and is based on a gentle style of parenting. Try not to 'believe' too much in the words he is using and focus instead upon what he is trying to communicate e.g. "I hate you" is usually "I'm really cross with you" and "you're stupid" is usually "you made me feel bad/ stupid". Also remember that while the cause of his feeling might be entirely unreasonable (wanting something inappropriate, wanting to be in charge, doing something dangerous which you've stopped, etc.) his feeling is nevertheless completely genuine and utterly horrendous for him. Which is not to say 'give in' to him or stop drawing appropriate boundaries; but you can nevertheless sympathise with how terrible he feels when you are curtailing his errant behaviour.