Worried about attachment

[fuzzywigsmum]

Hi, I left DD 9mo with the childminder for the first time today and she wasn't upset except for a minute's grizzling when I first handed her over. She also barely batted an eyelid when I came to pick her up an hour later. Have now been reading on Wikipedia about artachment theory and am worried she's not securely attached!

She generally is a v easy baby but maybe she just doesn't think there's any point to displaying emotions? Also she sucks her thumb loads, maybe she doesn't get enough comfort from me?

I know I probably sound ridiculous but I thought she might miss me a bit when I left her! Thoughts anyone?

Unless you have neglected her
ignored her
suffered severe and prolonged depression
abused her
she has had a chaotic and tramuatizing early infancy
she has an underlying SN

she is very, very unlikely to be suffering from attachment disorder.

Attachment disorder is a serious condition that is mostly found in adopted/fostered and institionalized (sp) children.
I am aware that other children can have AD but I do not know anything about this group. In fact if anyone could enlighten me I would be very interested.

Its much more likely that you have a placid, contented child who is well attached and is secure in the knowledge that you will be back to get her.

You might also find that she changes very soon and becomes clingly and tearful when you leave her. She is at that age.

I agree with MrsDeVere. After having DS, he started nursery at 9mo when I went back to work. For DS this seemed great timing as he didn't have full separation anxiety until he was about 12mo by which time he was settled in nursery. I think 9mo is sometimes too early for them to be aware enough. Especially if they are generally contented and interactive with a variety of people.

Sounds like she enjoyed the new experience, just wait till the honeymoon period passes then she will show it is you she prefers but will settle in other environments with people she has come to know.

My lo is 8 months and has never cried when I've left her. I get a smile when I get back but that's it. I wouldn't worry.

Most kids go through separation anxiety but not til around 12-24 months. Don't worry- you'll soon having a child screaming mummy when you leave!!!! Argh.

Thanks everyone. Think this probably has more to do with my feelings about leaving her :( And my tendency to run wild with small amounts of info gleaned from the Internet!

I totally agree with Mrsdevere.

Enjoy it and be proud ! My dd has been at cm since 7mo and is now 16mo and always heads off with DH happy and waving - It is a delight to see and I am pleased she is happy, goodness do you really want a screaming nightmare before you have to go to work every morning...
You may have a bit of a wobble at around 12 months (which is when many women return to work and have this 'battle' as our childminder points out) but I certainly feel that we avoided it as dd was settled and content by this point.
I have a friend with a 3yr old dd and goodness me the ridiculousness she endures and tolerates from her (as she's rarely left and then only with a family member) well put it this way I don't think the child is happy, confident and adjusted as she's far too attached..
step away from google!

I wondered this with DS1 - he never had separation anxiety at any point and still doesn't mind me going away really, he's 2.7now. Just very confident that I'll be there if he needs me! I think it's just the way he is, very chilled and laid back. Still runs to me for a cuddle if he's sad or hurts himself though

mistressploppy.. a friend told me that apparently if, like you say, a kid / toddler is happily playing, not clingy etc and just like you say 'check's in' for a cuddle / reassurance type moment that you are there you are doing a great role of parenting!

I read something recently (probably on here!) I'd never heard before - guess I wouldn't have been looking until 16mo ago.. 'Give them roots and wings'..

One way to look at it is that the less they mind the separation, the more securely attached they are (developmental separation anxiety milestones, notwithstanding). She wouldn't be OK with you leaving if she wasn't OK with the fact that you'll be coming back..

Yes. It's a sign that he's securely attached.

I am sure you'll get the clingyness to deal with at some point soon. In the meantime it's lovely that he has the chance to develop a new attachment to his childminder before separation anxiety kicks in.

Oops sorry! Distracted by children!

I meant she and her!!

What everyone else has said (especially mrsdevere's post)
I think at 9 months they are more amenable to being left. My DD was fine at this age too and I would come away feeling terrible as she didn't get upset! (we can't win!) obviously you are caring enough to be worried about attachment so I very much doubt there are any attachment issues!

One thing I will say though Happyjoyful, your friend's DD may just be exercising her 3 year old wiles.

My DD has been fine in nursery since 9 months but since she turned three she tells me she doesn't want to go, that she misses me and sometimes has tears too.

All this has only happened over the last couple of months. Nothing has changed in her life and she is securely attached, she is just more articulate and able to express her feelings emotionally blackmail me now!

All three of mine didn't get separation anxiety til 11-12 months.
Give it a few weeks,........

Attachment is not as was originally theorised. It is now believed that a child can have many attachment figures. I heard through a work colleague that up to around 12 people can offer care to a child and this will not affect secure attachment forming.

Please do not be hard on yourself. I always think of the saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' when I feel guilty about leaving my son.

And as others have said, attachment patterns do not become obvious until the child is around 12 months as I understand.

There are some ways to 'diagnose' insecure attachment, but 'not crying' when you leave baby at 9 months does not suggest an insecure attachment at all.

I think there is some confusion because when family is being assessed the reaction of the child is observed closely.

It would be a probable red flag if a parent walked out and left a baby and the baby remained impassive and didnt look for them at all.
BUT this would be along with a lot of other factors.

Have worked in the area of attachment and I agree with mrsdevere. It's a good sign you have managed the transition well. You haven't marched into somewhere utterly new and dumped her and run, that would probably result in crying and more of a reaction when you come back. This is more akin to the Strange Situation scenario you may have read about on the Internet. Fear of strangers ramps up to peak about 15months so you may find she doesn't settle as well with new people then, but 9months is a good time for an easier transition.

My DS1 was always very independent and happy to be left but we have an great attachment and talks more now about missing me whilst at preschool, but not in a sad way more in a "I'm looking forward to seeing mummy later" way. DS2 is a clingy bushbaby of a child on the other hand!

It's a good job there are so many intelligent and sympathetic women on mumsnet. Thanks again!